Your RDA of Irony

Giving Thanks–Eugene style

I’ll interrupt my usual litany of historic scandals to wish everyone a Happy or at least Tolerable Thanksgiving.  Even without reminders from Hallmark commercials, I have reasons to give thanks.

First, I am truly grateful that I was not at Plymouth in 1621.  Among those lunatic Calvinists, that was no place for a nice Jewish boy.  But even tarred and feathered, I would have been grateful not to have been Catholic.  The Pilgrims really hated them. 

I am profoundly grateful for history.  My wife says that I should get out of the house more often.  Thanks to history, I can, eavesdropper and Peeping-Tom on the most fascinating people in the world.  Megan Fox might look better in a swimsuit but Catherine de Medici is much more interesting.

Of course, I am grateful to my wife Karen–if only because she never had the opportunity to run off with Roger Federer.  And if she ever did, I would be grateful if she left me the pug.   

Furthermore, I am grateful for my undeserved good health.  If there were any justice in the world, I would be 300 pounds and toothless. 

Of the three thousand channels I get on cable television, I am reverently grateful for Turner Classic Movies.  Yes, it is another outlet for my history addiction.  Megan Fox might look better in a swimsuit but Lillian Gish is a much better actress.  (When Demi Moore remade “The Scarlet Letter”, she thought that the “A” referred to Miss Gish’s cup size; that explains why Miss Moore’s Hester Prynne wore a D.)

I am grateful to Megan Fox for two punchlines; otherwise I would have been stuck with Britney Spears or Kim Kardashian.

And, of course, I am grateful if anyone is reading this.  Thank you.

  1. Dennis Pennington says:

    Have a great holiday Eugene & All

  2. M Cullen says:

    Have a good turkey day!

    • Eugene Finerman says:

      I am grateful for your good wishes. Happy Thanksgiving to you. However, I can’t say that I enjoy turkey. Had I been at Plymouth–and had the rare prudence to keep my theology to myself–I still would have made myself a pariah. I would have suggested ordering in French food from Quebec.


  3. Bob Kincaid says:

    Happy Thanksgiving, Eugene and Karen!

    Not to worry about that first “thanksgiving” menu. You’d have had plenty of other stuff to choose from, among them Venison au Indios and Lobster Wampanoag. Granted, those two might not’ve been kosher, but then again, noting it might’ve not been good for your continued good health, as you’ve noted.

  4. SwanShadow says:

    Megan Fox might look better in a swimsuit but Lillian Gish is a much better actress.

    How about Annabeth Gish? A fine actress, and she could totally rock a swimsuit, I’ll wager.

    I hope you and Karen enjoy a happy Thanksgiving, Eugene!

  5. Leah says:

    I think of the Calvinists (and the British puritans especially) as being a little bit philosemitic, in theory at least; and at its worst even their practice never came near that of the Church. As you say, they were too busy hating the Whore of Babylon to waste their epithets on Jews.

    But I do agree about Plymouth; no sidewlaks, no subways, no shops, and worst of all, no plumbing. Of all the technological augmentations in our lives, the one which I appreciate most is plumbing. That’s what I’m really thankful for. I’d far rather have no electricity than no plumbing. Computers, cars, TV, radio, even movies wouldn’t even come close to making up for life without plumbing. And that’s not even counting its greatest boon: the benefit to public health in its being the source of potable water and sanitation. Why people go camping is beyond me.

    Anyway, I believe our ancestors would have preferred Martha’s Vineyard to the Cape anyway. Happy Thanksgiving to you and Karen!

  6. Peg Pruitt says:

    Have a wonderful Thanksgiving, Eugene and Karen.

  7. Brent Hoffmann says:

    Gene: I’m grateful for your humorous, history-packed, tongue-in-chic musings, jeremiads, screeds, retro-rants, whatever, delivered to me daily. No matter how bad things may be, you remind us that, once, long ago, they were worse. Happy Thanksgiving to you and Karen — and remember to brine that bird. –Brent

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