Your RDA of Irony

Penury Saved is Penury Earned

I just had some wonderful financial news.  One of my mutual funds can still afford postage.  Arriving in the mail was a reassuring brochure that the company was doing a splendid job and so I should vote for the emergency reforms it required.

The quality of the brochure reflected the dour mood of the economy.  In the affluent days,  the  publications were slightly more lavish than a Cecil B. DeMille production.  Doesn’t everyone want an annual report printed on zebra skin?  Now, however, the brochure demonstrates how serious the company is about costs.  Having closed the employees’ cafeteria, it is using the leftover napkins for mimeograph paper.

Why is the company even splurging on postage?  Apparently the Bush administration forgot to abolish a few regulations, so as an investor I am entitled to vote on certain company policies.  For instance, I am expected to approve whomever the chairman wanted on his board of directors…

Fitzpercy “Winky” Wappleshire: college roommate of chairman and always lets him win at golf.

The Hon. Nils Sipher:  former congressman, internationally recognized sycophant  and  professional board member.

Dr. Sejanus Freiboot: professor of sociopathic economics at the Heritage Foundation.

Now, however, my vote is being solicited for more urgent matters than whether or not the chairman needs a new trophy wife.  (The Uma Thurman lookalike is getting close to 40!)  The company wants my approval for “fundamental investment restrictions and revisions” on a number of  bewildering and deliberately obtuse  topics.  My vote may be required but my comprehension is not.  The company is convinced that the less I understand, the more complacent I will be.  The lobotomized must be very trusting.

Guess what: I am voting “No” on everything.  I won’t be avenging my diminished retirement plan, but at least I will be fighting for intelligible English.

  1. Brent says:

    Eugene: Consider yourself fortunate. My 401K has been downsized to 201K. My financial advisor, who once touted himself as the “wisest man on the street,” is now selling “Streetwise.” And my mutual fund company sends me pamphlets with a routing slip and instructions to “read and pass on.” –Brent, P.S.: It’s great to have you back.

  2. Hal Gordon says:

    I like your new look very much.

  3. Leah says:

    I see you voted the straight (G.) Marxian ticket: “Whatever it is, I’m against it.” I approve.

    Welcome back to cyberspace and your new tailored, businesslike appearance. Although I’d go for one type-size larger for your prose.

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