Your RDA of Irony

Despise and Consent

For some reason, I have on my mind the Senate confirmation hearings for Son-of-Sam Alito….

Sen. Biden: I’d like to begin my question by reading aloud the first 200 pages of “Finnegan’s Wake” which I may claim to have written.

Sen. Specter: While we are waiting for Sen. Biden to finish, the other Senators will continue their questioning.

Sen. Lindsey Graham: Judge Alito. You are a credit to your race. I’d like to know how you would have improved “Godfather, Part III.”

Judge Alito: I would have killed off Sofia Coppola in the first three minutes.

Sen. Kennedy: In your previous testimony, you repeatedly refer to Starry Desirous.

Judge Alito: That is “stare decisis.” Starry Desirous sounds like a stripper.

Sen. Kennedy: I was hoping she was.

Sen. Specter: Senator Coburn will be questioning Judge Alito while hiding under the table to avoid radio transmissions from the Martians.

Sen. Coburn: Thank you, you evil Jew. Judge Alito, are you aware that homosexuality is a Masonic plot to destroy humanity.

Judge Alito: I can’t comment on any case that might come before the Supreme Court.

Sen. Feinstein: How do you envision your role on the Supreme Court? Will you be just another of Scalia’s shameless toadies or will you be revealing a warped, sadistic personality of your own?

Sen. Hatch: Please, Sen. Feinstein. Under oath, Judge Alito has clearly and repeatedly proved that he has no personality.

Sen. Sessions: Do you believe that a state has a right to secede from the Union?

Judge Alito: I can’t comment on any case that might come before the Supreme Court…y’all.

Sen. Durbin: While you were in the Justice Department, you wrote the following memorandum. “The Bill of Rights is for wimps.” Could you explain that?

Judge Alito: Certainly. I meant that wimps are entitled to the same rights and protections as is any citizen.

Sen. Spector: Judge Alito, you have spoken of your great admiration for Judge Robert Bork. Judge Bork is certainly a man of unique intellect. For instance, during his nomination to the Supreme Court, Judge Bork said the following: “I like to eat the eyeballs of children.” How do you reconcile Judge Bork’s diet with your pro-life stance?

Judge Alito: It really is not necessary to kill the children in order to eat their eyeballs.

Sen. Leahy: Tell us about an organization called The Young Stormtroopers of Princeton.

Judge Alito: I think that it was students interested in meteorology.

Sen. Leahy: Actually the club is a reactionary organization whose aims are to return Ethiopia to Italy and to overturn the Magna Carta. Now, why would you want to join a group like that?

Judge Alito: I was hoping to get lucky with Phyllis Schlafly.

Sen. Hatch: Which of your sterling qualifications have so impressed our Commander-in-Chief that he has nominated you to the highest court in the land?

Judge Alito: I let him call me “Toto.”

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