Your RDA of Irony

A Tangential Man and A Scholar

Karl Rove described Barak Obama as an Ivy League, martini-sipping, country club elitist. Barak Obama denies that Barbara Bush is his mother.

Zimbabwe tyrant Robert Mugabe has announced that he is taking a leave of absence in order to run John McCain’s campaign. The new campaign manager criticized his candidate’s only theme: ‘Vote for McCain or the terrorists will kill you.’ According to Mugabe, the threat is too weak and vague. “Which terrorists? Somebody Muslim? I don’t want people to respond to our ads by public burnings of Omar Sharif’s bridge column. We have to focus the paranoia. No, our theme should be ‘Vote for McCain or WE will kill you.’ Voters will believe that. Homicidal hysteria is the one issue where Republicans still have any credibility.”


Using clues from star and sun positions mentioned by the ancient Greek poet Homer, scholars think they have determined the date when King Odysseus returned from the Trojan War and slaughtered a group of suitors who had been pressing his wife to marry one of them. It was on April 16, 1178 B.C. that the great warrior struck with arrows, swords and spears, killing those who sought to replace him, a pair of researchers say in Monday’s online edition of Proceedings of the National Academy of Science.

Now that the “Odyssey” can be taken as gospel, this divinely-inspired book should be taught in high school biology classes. We all know that puberty turns boys into pigs but “Odyssey” tells that it can be done literally. In fact, the Odyssey should be the core curriculum of all classes. Don’t worry–Odysseus is consistently heterosexual. The book’s advice for dealing with unwelcome house guests should be the basis of our immigration policy. (Perhaps Odysseus could have spared the lives of any of Penelope’s suitors who were willing to do yardwork.) The Odyssey can be also be the foundation for an improved criminal justice system; blinding certainly discouraged Polyphemus and is likely to have the same effect on drunks, cannibals and the annoyingly handicapped. Finally, Homer’s divine work offers us a winning strategy for Iraq: a giant wooden horse. If that ruse ended one war in Asia, why not another?

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