Your RDA of Irony

While Flossin’ My Teeth With My Unibrow….

The New York Times has a preconception of me. Forsakened in the Midwestern wilderness, I am presumed to be unibrowed, toothless and married to a first cousin. My Masters’ degree–being only from Northwestern–must be in manual labor. Yes, I do vote Democratic–as the Times would wish–but it is only because my unibrowed, toothless alderman promised me a garbage can lid, which I would use as a plate and an umbrella.

So imagine the shock to my drooling neanderthal sensibilities to read the Times article on the dynamic, presidential, charismatic Rod Blagojevich. (Apparently, Senator Obama does not have a monopoly on those adjectives.) That glowing description of Illinois’ governor is all the surprising because I don’t know anyone who likes him. Blagojevich is sleazy, corrupt, incompetent and abrasive. The governor has practically institutionalized bribery. His Republican predecessor went to prison for corruption–and he was more subtle. Blagojevich even has a bad haircut; a page boy does not suit his fifty-year old head. The man is a Democrat but I would gladly vote against him.

Unfortunately, the Republican party of Illinois cannot decide whether it is dead or just surreal. Its last senatorial candidate was Alan Keyes, who lives in Maryland. (Yes, but he was a documented migrant worker.) The party’s senior statesman is the Presbyterian Ru Paul; who knew that kilts came in hot pink! Against the execrable Blagojevich, the G.O.P. slated a lady who looked like she owned 18 cats and never seemed quite sober. The National G.O.P. has simply written off Illinois, at least until the Second Coming and Lincoln’s resurrection (although Lincoln now would be a Democrat.) In other words, we are stuck with Blagojevich–at least until he decides to run for President.

So what does the New York Times see in him that evidently escaped the notice of everyone in Illinois? He is not “IVY” and he did not name his children for his favorite characters from Proust. Perhaps incompetence, corruption and outlandish hair are post-modernist irony. I have long suspected the Times despises the “people:” Government of the vulgar, by the vulgar and for the vulgar. Now it is no longer a suspicion.

  1. Bob Kincaid says:

    Sounds like the kind of guy who would get on famously with Don Giovanni Mancini, our West Virginia governor, who’s sneaking by as “Joe Manchin.” Just getting within fifty feet of this guy makes you want a shower.

    I can just see them both looking suspiciously at the little watercress sandwiches at a NY Times luncheon.

  2. Rothgar says:

    I’m so confused.

  3. Jason says:

    Man, Eugene. Your description of the Illinois governor makes Pennsylvania’s Ed Rendell look like the star of “Mr. Smith goes to Harrisburg.” I actually caught the recent NPR edition of “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me” that featured Ed, he actually came off as somewhat affable. I just can’t get over his desire to toll I-80, or his attempt to cut funding for blackfly spraying in the Susquehanna Valley. I strongly suspect that if he could put a slots parlor in every community, he would! It would fund education and create a place for the neighborhood kids to hang out at the same time. However, I wouldn’t trade our Ed for your Rod.

  4. Rick says:

    I’d love to chime in and throw Gubernatorial stones but I’m from California…

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