Your RDA of Irony

Yesterday’s Headlines

I am currently working against a deadline, toiling on a non-fictional satire known as my taxes. Of course, I am only adhering to the non-fiction out of an outmoded etiquette. With the diligence of the Bush administration, I could deduct the Mexican War as an expense. After all, I have been to California.

Over the last few days, a few headlines caught my eye. To save myself disillusionment, I did not bother to read the stories, preferring to make them up. And here are my versions:

Pope Hopes Trip to U.S. Will Soften His Image

Who is that stunning creature? Is Marlene Dietrich still alive? No, it is Pope Benedict XVI making the best of his German accent and fabulous legs. The Pope’s Dietrich impersonation has long been a hit at Vatican parties and at old soldiers’ homes in Argentina. His rendition of “See What the Boys in the Backroom Will Have” will delight the American audience just as it did the College of Cardinals.

Treasury Secretary Announces Plan to Regulate Markets

Responding to the crises in the financial markets, Secretary Treasury Henry Paulson announced a broad program of regulatory supervision. He explained, “We will be looking for any reckless or unethical financial practices and, when necessary, cover them up. Believe me, if our staff bozos could find the evidence, it must really be flagrant. So, to maintain market stability and the investors’ confidence, we will insist on a full and comprehensive cover-up.” The Secretary proposed punitive actions against financial firms that refused to hide the incriminating evidence or did a slipshod job in the cover-up. “Repeat offenders will receive bad tables at Republican fundraisers.”

Texas Awards More Delegates to Obama

In tribute to the late Richard Widmark, the Democratic Party of Texas has awarded additional delegates to Senator Obama. “It is in our by-laws” explained a party official. “Widmark was a liberal Democrat and he played Jim Bowie in ‘The Alamo.” The delegates were awarded to Obama because Widmark appeared in two films with Sidney Poitier. Of course, the decision was challenged by the Clinton campaign. Noting that Elizabeth Taylor starred in “Giant” and would eventually died, the Clintons asked for the Taylor memorial votes now.

  1. Bob Kincaid says:

    Call me crazy, Eugene, but I can’t help thinking that ending the condonation of little boy rape would go a LOT further in “softening” His Heiligness’ image, both here and in little boys’ bedrooms around the world. Then again, I’m just a cranky liberal who probably doesn’t understand the delicate pleasures of pedophilia.

    Moreover, on the second note, it appears to me that the Repiglickins have finally “jumped the shark.” They are now actually trying to argue that regulation caused BearSterns to dummy up all those fraudulent ponzi schemes to hustle subprime mortgages. It’s rather like saying that chemotherapy is the cause of cancer. What’s worse, there are millions of little “conservatives” out there, nodding their pointy little heads, drool dribbling from the open, breathing mouths and muttering “Yup, yup. Defintely free market solution. Definitely.”


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