Your RDA of Irony

The Appreciated Writer

As a writer in today’s market, I knew that I had to compete against Indian college sophomores (and they don’t even have to be English majors). But as I just discovered, my prospective employers insist that I take steroids and make a decent cup of coffee. Here is what a prominent accounting firm expects from an experienced writer. (This is an ad I really received!)

Description: At KPMG LLP, you can count yourself among some of the best and the brightest. We’re proud of our talented people. We are currently seeking an Internal Communications Manager to join us in our Chicago office.

Responsibilities• Conduct daily floor inspections and fill out appropriate check lists in an effort to help ensure facilities are clutter free and fully stocked
• Order supplies with Procurement team and help ensure supplies are replenished daily
• Monitor inventory of coffee, condiments and paper supplies
• Review conference room and hoteling schedules daily and provide necessary set-up and break-down utilizing established checklist procedures

• One year of experience performing general office duties and familiarity with office equipment such as computers, copy machines, video equipment, and LCD projectors
• Experience using MS Office Suite including Word, Excel and Outlook
• High school diploma or equivalent
• Able to lift a minimum of fifty pounds
• Excellent verbal and written communication, organizational and administrative skills

Well, in the age of George Bush, a speechwriter no longer needs a college education or even basic coherence. With Power Point, corporate communications is at a level with cave drawings: point and grunt. We superfluously literate might be more useful in the corporate cafeteria. “Does anyone need speeches or condiments?”

But a speechwriter really does need to lift a minimum of fifty pounds. The executive ego is at least five times that mass. I am surprised that more of my colleagues aren’t in wheelchairs.

And when I am not lugging crates and cleaning coffee pots, I could proofread the job announcements for KPMG and possibly spare the morons in Human Resources some embarrassment.

  1. Peggles says:

    Eugene, you underestimate the usefulness of your excellent verbal skills. When you drop a fifty pound crate on your foot, your curses should be truly spectacular.

  2. Bob Kincaid says:

    Good heavens, Eugene! Most of the time I can come up with something vaguely pithy or snarky, but this one just dried me up!

    A Manager! The coffee pot guy has been raised to management!

    I’m stunned.

    I’d be half-tempted to apply as a guy named “Bartleby,” get hired and, the first time my writing was interrupted for coffee duties, declare “I prefer not to.”

    It’s stuff like this that lets me know we’re on the way out the door as a nation.

  3. I am sure that posting was a mistake. The real job description would seek a “communicationalist for pro-active deliverables”.

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