Your RDA of Irony

Prostate of the Union

McCain Says Report on Lobbyist Not True
Associated Press

Feb 21st, 2008 | TOLEDO, Ohio — John McCain emphatically denied a romantic relationship with a female telecommunications lobbyist on Thursday and said a report by The New York Times suggesting favoritism for her clients is “not true.”

In fact, the Republican Party is delighted to have a heterosexual scandal for a change. The Wall Street Journal was about to promote the story, with Peggy Noonan claiming to be John McCain’s love slave.

But who would have imagined that the New York Times would have been so obliging to print the story? The Times tends to regard heterosexuality as just a vulgar exertion popular only among state university graduates. Ivy Leaguers evidently rationalize it as a contribution to the alumni fund. (Oh, you think that I am exaggerating. The Times just printed a story on the harm that children can do to your decor.)

However, I wonder if John McCain is mistaken to deny the rumors–even if he is innocent. Consider the advantages for him of being a lecherous old goat.

1. This will appeal to the Bible-thumpers. McCain merely has to announce that he is following the example of the Old Testament Kings, and that this young woman is his concubine. In his dotage, King David had a young “lobbyist” named Abishag; for McCain to do less might even be sacrilege.

2. The story certainly makes McCain seem more youthful and vigorous. He’ll be guaranteed the vote of the Viagra generation.

3. This is the perfect contrast to the appeal of Barak Obama. If Barak is presented as the new John Kennedy, McCain can be the new Joseph Kennedy. (Karl Rove already insinuated in 2000 that McCain had a black child; so why couldn’t it be Barak, the result of McCain’s liaison with–say–Pam Grier?) Why wouldn’t we want Joseph Kennedy for President today? If he was a successful bootlegger, he is a role model for modern executives. If Papa Joe wanted to appease a right-wing monster intent on tyrannizing the world, he would be ready for Rupert Murdoch. And if Joseph Kennedy was a shameless lecher, he had excellent taste. Gloria Swanson was a lot classier than Marilyn Monroe; in fact, a President of France would have been jealous.

So, in the face of this scandal, John McCain’s correct response should be “thank you!”

  1. Rothgar says:

    Sorry dude looks like McCain didn’t get your memo. All I gotta say is the anti-McCain ads are easy.

    Lead off with

    Powerful Leader?

    Show the stupid picture of McCain hugging Bush.

    Followed with these words (or something a whizard such as yourself could whip up.

    In the 2000, GOP So Carolina primary alleged (to keep legal) Bush operatives push polled statements attacking John McCain for having a Black Child (he adopted a Bangeledeshi child).

    So what did John McCain do in respone to this outrageous attack on his family

    Show hug again followed by a collage of other Bush and McCain smiley appearances.

    Follow with

    Strong Leader?


  2. Alan says:

    Perlman’s Rule of Truth for Sexual Rumors: if she’s hot, the answer is YES. Men think with their little heads, always; power attracts sex; hot, smart women shamelessly use their attractiveness to get ahead. These are immutable facts of life.

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