Monday Medley
News Headlines:
“ISRAEL LAUNCHES LATEST SPY SATELLITE”
Designed to monitor the Iranian nuclear program, the Kibitzer Spy Satellite knows when you’re overpaying for uranium and using more heavy water than you should. The Kibitzer can also tell if there are any new Pakistani or North Korean physicists in the neighborhood, if they are married, where they go to brunch and what’s wrong with those restaurants.
JON VOIGHT CAMPAIGNS FOR RUDY GIULIANI
In the long awaited sequel to “Midnight Cowboy” we find Ratzo Rizzo and Joe Buck in Florida, and Ratzo is running for President. Although Ratzo died in the original film, the U.S. Constitution does not exclude corpses from the Presidency. Furthermore, there is a remarkable similarity between Rudy Giuliani and a decomposed Dustin Hoffman.
FRENCH WORLD WAR I VETERAN DIES
By Associated Press
PARIS – World War I veteran Louis de Cazenave died Sunday at age 110, his son said, leaving just one known French survivor of the 1914-1918 conflict.
The Wall Street Journal said Mr. de Cazenave’s death was proof of the inferiority of French socialized healthcare. Columnist John Fund insisted that de Cazenave would still be alive if only he were American. “Just look at all the Confederate veterans running for President.”
No, No, No, Mon dieu, they just think they are Confederate vets.