Your RDA of Irony

The Teeth of Dorian Grey

My wife displayed an unusually sadistic pleasure in anticipation of my dental appointment. And most of you probably would have been on her side! Apparently, I am insufferable where teeth are concerned. No, I am not one of these hygiene fanatics who will brush and floss their teeth in a movie theater. On the contrary, my teeth are effortlessly and unjustly perfect. I chug soda, I devour candy and I inhale ice cream. Yet in 55 years, I had one cavity–at the age of 47.

But now Karen was confident that justice–or at least overdue vengeance–would prevail. You see, I had a new dentist. My old practioner finally retired and with him the old, minimalist standards of the past. In the 47 years I had been his patient, he had never seen a need to X-ray my teeth. He evidently knew a masterpiece when he saw one. Karen, however, was shocked that my mouth never had been x-rayed, sonared or carbon-dated. She knew that modern science would reveal a series of caverns and catacombs that could be a PBS special. (National Geographic and Nova discover an ancient Egyptian Temple in Eugene’s mouth.) Although she failed to sell the television rights, Karen did organize an informal pool to guess how cavities I would have. The lowest estimate was two. Karen guessed (hoped) between four and six.

Well, I went to the new dentist and was subjected to all the latest advances in dental technology.

And, on the subject of my teeth, I am as insufferable as ever.

  1. Bob Kincaid says:

    Bravo, Eugene!

    Apparently, it is, in fact, “safe.”

    Don’t go runnin’ off gnawin’ no diamonds just to show off, now, y’hear?

  2. Rothgar says:

    Yep, minimalist is the ticket. About 7 years ago I realized that every time they safely filled one of my cavities within 3 years, I had to have a larger one filled right UNDER the old one until I eventually needed a root canal. So I started refusing treatment. Yes I know there are 5 or so teeth an xray says need filling but until they hurt nothing gets done. The deal is that once they hurt I am NOT entitled to complain, bitch or grumble. Fair enough.

    So far in 7 years I have needed one root canal. I am concerned about possible links between tooth decay and heart disease but other approach wasn’t working.

  3. From the man who puts the pun in punishment–Dave Traini:

    Given yout miraculous molars, your incredible
    incisors, and your uncanny canines, I assume that you
    have never read Eliot’s Mill on the Floss or the other
    Eliot’s Book of Practical Cats, especially the section
    on McCavity. I guess the word caries carries no
    meaning for you.

  4. To you all, but especially Mr. Traini: cavity emptor!

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