Your RDA of Irony

The Morose Code


The Mafia’s Ten Commandments have been found after police arrested a top Godfather in Sicily.

The list of rules emerged from documents seized after the arrest of Salvatore Lo Piccolo, 65, at a secret mob meeting in Palermo, along with his son Sandro, 32, and two other godfathers.

The 10 ‘Mafiosi’ commandments are:

1. No one can present himself directly to another of our friends. There must be a third person to do it.

2. Never look at the wives of friends.

3. Never be seen with cops.

4. Don’t go to pubs and clubs.

5. Always be available for Cosa Nostra, even if your wife’s about to give birth.

6. Appointments must be respected.

7. Wives must be treated with respect.

8. When asked for any information, the answer must be the truth.

9. Money cannot be appropriated if it belongs to others or to other families.

10. People who can’t be part of Cosa Nostra are anyone with a close relative in the police, with a two-timing relative in the family, anyone who behaves badly and doesn’t hold to moral values.

Actually, that was the old list. I was hired to write the new one. (David Chase is on strike) Here it is.

1. We will never hire MBAs. Even we have some ethical standards.

2. We are committed to the environment. Everyone we outsource is biodegradable, and they are considerably less toxic after we’ve wasted them.

3. We are a non-partisan organization but our PAC will support any candidate who promises to give us back Havana.

4. We can afford to dress well. It is time that we stopped looking like a community theater production of Guys and Dolls. You can also afford the dry cleaning if you spill fettucine on your Brooks Brothers. If you have any sartorial questions, ask yourself: What would Regis Philbin wear?

5. We believe in Affirmative Action. Not everyone can be Italian and we do need the accountants. But they have to sorta look Italian: Edward G. Robinson, Paul Muni, Lee J. Cobb, James Caan. And don’t let them get too pushy. The real reason we killed Bugsy Siegel was for saying that Columbus was Jewish.

6. We respect our wives and daughters so much that we won’t let them in the business. Just because Frankie Coppola lets his daughter be a director doesn’t mean we have to.

7. When frisking someone, keep it Platonic. That’s what distinguishes us from the Jesuits.

8. There is an etiquette to a hit. If you must gun down someone in a restaurant, do it during the main entree. It is an insult to kill someone during the antipasto; on the other hand, he obviously doesn’t deserve dessert. And it is up to you leave a tip for the waiter.

9. Bowing to pressure from PETA, we will no longer stuff a canary in the mouth of an informer. A copy of the National Enquirer is cheaper and it is even more humiliating.

10. We also have a musical code of conduct. Thefts and car chases should be done to Rossini. Killings should be done to Verdi. Seductions should be done to Puccini–but that is on your time.

  1. Peggles says:

    Don Eugenio,
    Loved it – one of your best.

    Actually, many of the original
    commandments make pretty good sense!


  2. From Dave Traini, who is in the witness-protection plan:

    The Mafia has a person in charge of enforcing their
    most sacred code, Omerta, the code of silence. His
    name is Donatello, Donatello Nobody!


    Dave “I Aint Sayin’ Nuttin’ to Nobody” Traini

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