Your RDA of Irony

I, Evgenivs

Communication Consul
Company: Allstate

That is what the ad said, and it certainly is an interesting job offer. Of course, Communication Imperator would have been better, but I still am tempted by the prospect of six months of supreme power in communications, Imagine enforcing grammar and clarity on a major corporation.

As Consul, I would start by executing the Human Resources Department. Feeding them to the lions, although traditional, would be cruel to the animals. The appropriate demise would be to bury the HR jargoons alive under their own opaque paperwork.

Next, I would outlaw Powerpoint presentations. There was an appropriate time and place for pictures with a grunting narrative: cave drawings. I intend to advance corporate communications to at least 100 B.C.

On pain of death, no one will be allowed to say “pro-active.” There will be a strict quota on the following words: metrics, stakeholder, function, process, strategic. None of these words may be used more than three times a week, and they may never appear in the same paragraph.

Yes, I would make a very enthusiastic Consul. I am even starting to think with a British accent.

Fortunately, reading the ad for further details, I learn the bitter truth. In the jargon of Allstate, “consul” is short for consultant. That is quite a demotion: from Caesar to kibitzer. However, that only proves my point. Any company that thinks consul is the abbreviation of consultant deserves a Communication Caligula.

  1. David in Tenn says:

    Those that can pay you for such a job would be horrified with your efforts. They would be truly frightened by the adulation given you by the working stiffs. Unless there is so much money as to allow for nice trips to Europe once the “consult” is completed, don’t do it. Oh, you missed one word that should be restricted, empowerment.

  2. Bob Kincaid says:

    Is one of the perqs a team of “Communications Lictors?”

    Perhaps “Communications Praetor” might be more appropriate.

    Just imagine all the fun you could have delineating your pomerium and daring anyone from HR to cross it!

  3. To David:

    Empowerment will be added to the death list.

    And I will add synergy to the restricted list. It can only be used in a discussion of Byzantine theology (where the word originated).

    To Bob:

    Quo Vindictive

  4. Peggles says:

    Hail, Caesar!

    I want to add “benchmarks” to the hit list, along with “authentic assessment.”
    Educators’ jargon can compete with the worst business jargon.

  5. Richard Greb says:

    And don’t forget “synergy” with all its forms.

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