Your RDA of Irony

The Age of Asparagus


Associated Press

Oct 24th, 2007 | WASHINGTON — The White House significantly edited testimony prepared for a Senate hearing on the impact of climate change on health, deleting key portions citing diseases that could flourish in a warmer climate, documents obtained by The Associated Press showed Wednesday.

The White House on Wednesday denied that it had “watered down” the congressional testimony that Dr. Julie Gerberding, director of Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, had given the day before to the Senate Environment and Public Works Committee.

But a draft of the testimony submitted for White House review shows that six pages of details about specific disease and other health problems that might flourish if the Earth warms were not delivered at the hearing.

When asked about the bruises on her face, Dr. Gerberding explained that she repeatedly ran into doors.

Addressing another scientific question President Bush today denounced the Heliocentric Theory. “The earth does not evolve around Hell.” When a reporter suggested that Helios was a Greek allusion to the Sun, the President replied, “I don’t approve of Greek lewdness. I just know what Hell means in English.”

The State Department then urged “necessary restraint” on the use of Greek words. “We wouldn’t want to offend our Turkish friends.” In the U.S. Senate, Sen. Mitch McConnell proposed a motion to condemn Hell. “Let the American people and God know if you are for or against Evil.” The cowed Democrats agreed to the bill as well as the amendment to remove Helium from the Periodic Table.

Some scientists and journalists did attempt to explain that the Heliocentric Theory referred to the Earth’s revolving around the Sun. Unfortunately, these self-confessed Heliocentrists made matters worse by admitting that Copernicus and Galileo were not Americans. As Sean Hannity demanded, “If Galileo is not a Satanist, why does he look like Osama Bin Ladin!”

  1. Bob Kincaid says:

    Once again, Eugene, you have pointed to a larger truth: Hell IS other people . . . mostly Repiglicans.

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