Bonfire Voyage
JERRY FALWELL’S FIRST DAY IN HEAVEN: a Memoir
“That sure was a surprise. I thought that Hillary Clinton would have killed me in a Satanic ritual. All those doctors talking about cholesterol–but who would believe a Jew?
“How long have I been waiting in front of these Pearly Gates? Isn’t there an Express Line for Christians? If only my good friend St. Peter were here; I just learned that he retired in 1957. Professor Einstein is now in charge. I didn’t understand a word he said about the wait. Time space something and relativity. But I sure don’t appreciate being called Anti-Matter.
You know, Einstein’s type just doesn’t seem right here. I’m gonna to talk to Jesus about better casting. I’m surprised that Cecil B. DeMille didn’t complain.
Well, it’s about time. The Gates are opening and here are St. Paul and St. Jerome to personally guide me. They insist I freshen up; I had no idea that there were saunas in Heaven. And they tell me that there are no golf courses here. Golf is only in Purgatory. Paul and Jerome certainly are friendly…oh Jesus, this is a Gay Bath House!
So this is my choice. I can stay in Heaven as a bath house attendant or I can go to…”
JERRY FALWELL’S FIRST DAY IN HELL
“Hello. New York Times customer service. This is Jerry.”