Vanity Pharisee
On this day in A.D. 73, the Romans knocked on (in) the door of Masada and found that no one was home–anymore. My ancestor Yuyeniel Phinnermah had been the morale officer at the garrison but was courtmartialed after ordering out for pizza.
In theatrical parlance, Masada really was a show-stopper. Of course, the entire Jewish War had proved to be suicidal. With Jerusalem destroyed and a third of the Judean population dead, one could conclude “Render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s–or else!”
What had incited this disasterous war? Well, Nero was gross and odious. (At least, Caligula was dapper.) Our leading intellectuals of the time–the Neo-Sadducees–assured us that the Empire would be completely understanding if we chose to secede from Rome. The Neo-Sadds did not venture from their luxury suites in Alexandria to join us on the battlements of Jerusalem (they felt that they were a little too old to dodge catapults) but they guaranteed us the sympathy and support of the Parthians, the Chinese and even the Mayans.
How could we lose?
Well, we did. And the Neo-Sadds denounced us for fighting the war so badly. If only we had listened to them….
And what’s more, before the Neo-Sadds, you had a perfectly good insurgency going on with the Sicarii.
After all, how do you stop an insurgency of men in dresses? YHWH knows we’re not having much luck at it now!
With careful planning, Jerusalem and one-third of Judea’s population were wiped out. Just think how bad it could have been if we hadn’t planned.
The rebellion was the demographic equivalent of one Richard Dreyfuss taking on 16 Sylvester Stallones. (For those of you under 35, imagine one Seth Green against 16 Vin Diesels.) We obviously needed planning, perhaps 19 centuries worth until those bright Jewish boys at B’Nai Los Alamos came up with a really good plan.