Your RDA of Irony

Saddam Hussein’s Next Career

Dear Karl,

I have repeatedly begged them, but the Iraqis won’t delay the execution until the next State of the Union speech. We will just have to catch Osama bin Laden if we want similar theatrics.

But here is some good news! The Iraqis will let us have Saddam’s body. I just need to talk to the Disney folks about animatronics for the corpse.� That would be so much better than just taxidermy. It can be programmed to dance, say funny things or admit to any crimes we want. Now just imagine the Saddamatron in the Oval Office! The President will have hours of fun with it, making his Saddam talk and move.� I’d feel sorry for the batteries on the remote control.

And who wouldn’t want to be photographed with the Saddamatron. Think of what we could charge. That would probably pay for the Iraq War, if we didn’t need the money for the defense lawyers: damn Democratic Congress.

I think that there is one problem, however. Italy might want the body. It is a question of vendetta–and the Bush family can certainly appreciate a grudge.

Here’s what happened. In 260 the Roman Emperor Valerian evidently was looking for weapons of mass destruction in Persia. Boy did he and his army find them! At least, the Emperor survived but as a prisoner. The Persian Shah used Valerian as a footstool. Since it was not a pampered captivity, Valerian soon died and then began his second career. He was stuffed and mounted as a public trophy.

So the Italians do have a claim on Saddam. Maybe we can let them have the body after the President leaves office. Unless he wants the Saddamatron in the Presidential Library. In that case, maybe we can offer the Italians the Lincolnmatron. Put a toga on him and he could pass for Marcus Aurelius.



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