Your RDA of Irony

Granadir

Posted in General on January 2nd, 2010 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment

January 2, 1492:  Alhambra Becomes the Name of Trailer Parks

Muhammed XII Abu Abdullah is better known as Boabdil because he was never worth the effort of a correct pronunciation.  Even his Moorish subjects did not think much of the last Emir of Granada; they kept trying to oust him.  However, one person did appreciate Boabdil’s myopic and incompetent leadership: Ferdinand II of Aragon.  The wily Ferdinand–one of Machiavelli’s pinups–was always willing to encourage civil wars among the Moors and support Boabdil against anyone more capable.

By 1487, Boabdil had been restored to the throne of the emirate, but his Spanish allies kept seizing Moorish cities–no doubt for safekeeping.  Indeed, the armies of Castille and Aragon were so solicitous that they were encroaching ever closer to the walls of Granada.  In 1491, the Spanish asked Boabdil if he would like to express his friendship and gratitude by surrendering his city.  Boabdil tried resisting, at least by looking for someone else to protect him.  He appealed to Morocco, Egypt and and the Ottoman Empire.  However,  Morocco knew he wasn’t worth the effort, Egypt was more worried about the Turks than the Spaniards, and the Ottoman Empire had a surprisingly peaceful sultan (but his son would fully justify Egypt’s fears).  On January 2, 1492 Boabdil surrendered Granada to Ferdinand and Isabella.  The last Emir of Granada was allowed safe passage to North Africa; he certainly proved that he was no danger to the Spanish, and even the Moroccan rulers found him too trivial to fear.  He and his family were relegated to obscurity and destitution in Fez.

Granada had been the last Moslem enclave in Spain, a remnant of a caliphate that once had controlled most of Iberia.  You might imagine that the Reconquista had been a continuous, unrelenting campaign by the Spanish to reclaim their land.  Think of the film “El Cid” lasting 7 centuries; it certainly seemed that long.  In fact, the Spanish had won the war more than 250 years earlier.  In 1212, the armies of Castille, Aragon, Portugal and Navarre had confronted the amassed Moslem forces at Las Navas de Tolosa in central Spain.  The battle was decided when the Christians attacked before the Moslems were ready.  (Chivalry was generally a theory even among Christians, and it was never meant to extend to heathens!)  The Caliph fled to North Africa while the remnants of his realm shattered into petty emirates.  Against the Christian forces, they offered little resistance.

Castille took Cordoba and Seville, Aragon conquered Valencia, while Portugal doubled in size.  (Navarre got moral satisfaction.)  Granada alone survived and it did so by surrendering; in 1238, the Moorish principality had become a vassal state of Castille.  The emirs of Granada now reigned at the sufferance of Castille, but there is steady work in being a toady.  As a center of commerce, industry and learning, Granada had much to exploit.  Castille even promoted Granada as a tourist attraction.  If a noble were obligated to perform some form of penance, killing a Moslem was a popular means of redemption.  But why go all the way to that godforsaken Holy Land, or to Egypt or Turkey–where those Moslems were inconveniently tough–when the aspiring Crusader might enjoy the proximity and weakness of Granada. “Visit Southern Castille:  slaughter and salvation in the morning, sangria for lunch!”

So, while Granada enjoyed this unique status, how did the Christian kingdoms of Spain occupy themselves for the next two centuries?  Castille tried to take Portugal, Aragon plotted against Navarre and fought France for control of Southern Italy, Portugal frustrated Castille while looking for sea routes to India, and Navarre tried surviving–see your atlas of Aragon for further details.  And given the surplus of princes and the scarity of thrones, Castille, Aragon and Portugal each had many civil wars.  The Castillian royal family was so enthusiastic about fraticide that by 1469 the remaining heir was Isabella.  And with a dowry like Castille, how could Ferdinand of Aragon resist her?

Boabdil never guessed what he would be providing as a wedding gift.

The Morbid the Merrier

Posted in General on December 30th, 2009 by Eugene Finerman – 5 Comments

There are several signs of my decrepitude.  First, my hair is becoming easier to comb.  (I may proclaim 2010 as “The Year I Went Bald.”)  Then, I have a mellowing of my perceptions.  When I now watch a Marx Brothers classic, I find Margaret Dumont to be quite attractive.  Finally, with my middled-age morbidity, I now read the obituaries to see if I knew any of the corpses.  Occasionally I do–but I would not recognize the person from the death notice.  Most obituaries would not pass a polygraph. 

Wouldn’t you like to see an accurate death notice?

Oblivious husband, resentful brother, dismayed father, stingy uncle, horrified brother-in-law.

Is that my planned obituary?  Well, maybe three out of five.

Speaking of dismal obituaries, December 30th is the Feast Day of St. Eugene! 

Here is what the Catholic Encyclopedia had to say about him.

St. Eugene
Feastday: December 30
unknown

Bishop of Milan, Italy, not documented at this time.

Well, that is edifying….Of course, I am relieved to know that he was not one of those medieval maniacs: “Converted Southern France by depopulating it.”

However, I do enjoy reading about the creative martyrdoms the exasperated Romans inflicted on those annoying saints. “Within three minutes of meeting Eugenius, Marcus Aurelius lost his temper and ordered that the complete works of Aristophanes be tattooed on the bishop’s tongue.”

Unfortunately, this Eugenius seems to be the patron saint of anonymity. Perhaps I can ghostwrite his hagiography, but Milan is not exactly an interesting place. If you had to have appendicitis in Italy, I really would recommend Milan; in Rome or Florence the doctors would take a three hour lunch in the middle of your surgery. (In Naples, the doctors would ship you to Rome or Florence…by bus.) Otherwise, Milan is just Zurich with pasta.

So, what could St. Eugenius have done there….

And, lo with one liter of gelato he did cure the models of Versace of anorexia.

Monday Medley

Posted in General on December 28th, 2009 by Eugene Finerman – 4 Comments

New Airport Security Measures

For flights lasting longer than two hours passengers will be subjected to a drug-induced coma.    (In deference to their religious principles, Christian Scientists will be knocked unconscious.)  Upon arrival at their destination, the comatose passengers will be placed on the baggage carillon until they are ready to reclaim themselves.

For flights lasting less than two hours, why don’t you just take the damn Greyhound.

Luggage will no longer be permitted on  flights.  If you need anything, you probably can buy it wherever you arrive.  Of course, you will have to get rid of it before your return flight; but the TSA was thinking of opening pawnshops at airports.

Truth in Advertising

The following story is 99 percent true.  Only the names have been changed to protect the guilty (an investment firm) as well as one litigation-fearing writer (alias me). 

EXPUNGED

The litigation-fearing writer caved in.

Scheduling the News

Posted in General on December 27th, 2009 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment

December 27, 2007:  Benazir Bhutto Apparently Assassinated

There was a general consensus that she was dead, but some question remained as to the method.  Was it a bomb, bullets or–as the ever-reliable Pakistani Ministry of Interior reported–a bad bump?  And since Ms. Bhutto was a Harvard graduate, perhaps she was just being ironic.  Her incredibly sleazy (even by the standards of your worst brother-in-law) husband refused to permit an autopsy.  He is now President of Pakistan.

If he found her death convenient, NBC did not.  Rather than disrupt its scheduled programming that morning, the network extended the life of Benazir Bhutto by one hour.  The Today Show did not want any distraction from its holiday theme. ABC’s Good Morning America could delay an interview with a veterinarian and his pet pug to report on Bhutto’s murder and its calamitous implications. BUT NBC’s audience saw Ann Curry’s interview with an “inspirational” basketball coach, followed by her visit with a chef and then a profound discussion with Willard Scott about “being home for the holidays.”

Really, the Today Show could have shown a little journalistic responsibility, and tried integrating the news into the show. For instance, Willard Scott could have announced, “And guess who now won’t be 100 years young!” Perhaps Ann Curry could have asked the guest chef, “Do you know any Moslem funeral dishes?”

Finally, at 9 a.m. Central Time, NBC decided that Benazir Bhutto’s current health was worth mentioning. Her death was one of three reported stories, the other two being a tiger attack in San Francisco and “a miracle rescue” of an 12 year-old American girl in Panama.

Now Benazir Bhutto was officially dead–at a convenient time.

Christmas Medley

Posted in General, On This Day on December 25th, 2009 by Eugene Finerman – 4 Comments

Good Duke Wenceslas–if you want a historically accurate Christmas carol

Wenceslas is the slightly Latinized name of Vaclav, a Bohemian duke who earned a sainthood for his Christian sanctity and an assassination for his Germanophile sycophancy.

In the early 10th century, Bohemia was in play by the missionaries. The Byzantines had first introduced Christianity to the area, offering a theological alternative to such Slavic divinities as Perun the Thunderer.  The Roman Catholics missionaries came with the added incentive of German armies. Wenceslaus (907-935) found that very persuasive. Of course, when he insisted on wearing lederhosen and yodeling, that was a little much for the nobles and his ambitious younger brother.

Nonetheless, Bohemia was stuck being a German satellite. The realm became a monarchy in the late 12th century, but even that was a reward conferred by the Holy Roman (alias German)Emperor to his faithful Czech duke.

The Nativity

Now showing at Mangers anywhere.  Check your local listings.

Here’s what the critics have to say.

“A Pre-Proustian Bildungsroman”:  The New York Times

“Obama’s socialized medicine wouldn’t permit Virgin Birth”:  The Wall Street Journal

“Esther Williams is great”:  Larry King

The Perfect Christmas Gift

December 25, 800:  Felonious Christmas!

What Christmas gift can you give the man who has everything–or at least control of France, Germany and Italy? That was the challenge confronting Pope Leo III. You just couldn’t give Charlemagne a Christmas card. It would only remind the Warlord that he was illiterate. Charlemagne was a widower, so there was no point in offering him a gift card for an annulment. Then Leo thought of the perfect gift for his Frankish friend. True, Leo had to steal it; but a Pope can always absolve himself.

So, on Christmas Day in 800, the Pope proclaimed Charlemagne as the Holy Roman Emperor. Unfortunately, Charlemagne was not pleased with his fancy new title. Western Europe’s King was not ostentatious, and he certainly was uncomfortable with a “hot” crown. The real owner–in Constantinople–would certainly object.

The Pope–looking perfectly innocent, which should be a prerequisite for the job— had a perfect rationale for his crowning presumption. He had only made Charlemagne an Emperor; the reigning sovereign in Constantinople was named Irene. The Empress Irene was a widow, which she probably arranged; so there was no Byzantine male to contest the role of Emperor. (Irene had a son, but she had him ousted, blinded and killed; to her credit, she never harmed her grandchildren–who happened to be girls–and one would become Empress.)

In proclaiming Charlemagne to be Emperor, the Pope was not criticizing Irene. On the contrary, the Church liked her. When Irene overthrew her son and seized the throne, Pope Leo had congratulated her. That unfortunate young Emperor, like his conveniently dead father, had been proponents of Iconoclasm, a dogma condemned by the Roman branch of Christendom. Irene, however, agreed with the Roman reverence for art; she certainly preferred icons to her family.

Of course, with her aesthetic refinement, Irene would not have appreciated sharing the most prestigious title in Christendom with an illiterate warlord. The Byzantines refused to recognize Charlemagne’s title. Frankly (sorry about that), neither did Charlemagne. To legitimize his Imperial rank–and make an honest man of himself, Charlemagne offered to marry Irene.
The Empress was not flattered or tempted: she declined the proposal.

Given Irene’s family history, Charlemagne probably was lucky. At least, he lived another 14 years. His Empire did not last much longer than he did: squabbling grandsons whose ambitions surpassed their competence shredded it into warring states. For another three centuries however, Byzantium would remain the greatest power (and only civilized one) in Christendom.

Its only rival was, ironically, the Roman Church. When Pope Leo III assumed the right to appoint and crown an Emperor, he had also given the Church the perfect Christmas gift: authority over the temporal world.

None of your gifts will be that good, but try to enjoy the holidays anyway.

The Hystery of Britain

Posted in General on December 24th, 2009 by Eugene Finerman – 1 Comment

In 2004 Hollywood released a film on “King Arthur” that purported to be historically accurate. Films on Arthur usually garb him in costumes left over from Henry V productions: a slight discrepancy of 1000 years.

I wanted to see it, but I wasn’t quick enough. The film was a commercial failure; apparently not even the prospect of a tattooed Kiera Knightley in a fifth century halter could lure an audience. This latest version of King Arthur vanished from the theaters to make way for more popular depictions of the Dark Ages: American Pie III, etc.

Now, in Arthurian Legend, the King promised to return. Merlin obviously foresaw cable television. I am one of its addicts and so I finally had the chance to see the Hollywood history of Arthur.

The errors began with the opening credits. The setting is Roman Britain in the year 453. Rome’s legions are guarding Hadrian’s Wall against Pict incursions and Saxon invasion. Someone’s sundial must have been running fast. The Roman legions abandoned Britain 45 years earlier. The Saxons–and the Angles–may have been in Britain around 450, but they first came as hired mercenaries to protect the docile Romanized Britons against the Picts. (Yes, the fox would protect the chickens against cats.)

We then meet Arthur, a Roman aristocrat who leads an elite cavalry unit. The film wants us to admire him for his intelligence, sensitivity and compassion. As a minor concession to accuracy, he does not play the piano or belong to the ACLU. However, he is a personal friend of the British theologian Pelagius.

Pelagius really did exist and, for a fifth century theologian, he seems a very modern humanist. He disputed the idea of original sin, he espoused Free Will and doubted the existence of the Devil. Pelagius even believed that virtue was more important than dogma. Yes, of course, he was condemned as a heretic. He may have been killed; he certainly disappeared. His writings have all been destroyed but we can infer his beliefs from the Church’s condemnation of them.

However, Arthur is his personal friend. The slight problem is that Pelagius disappeared in 420. You’d think that Arthur might have noticed after 33 years.

The film’s choice of languages raises another historical issue. You will be relieved to know that the Angle-Saxons speak English. And why not–they invented it. The Romans write in Latin but speak English–with Italian accents. Perhaps the Romans were being cosmopolitan. However, the Picts speak Celtic–and require subtitles. That morsel of accuracy seems incongruous. Just have Merlin (the Pict leader) sound as if he were in a summer stock production of Brigadoon.

The film ends with Arthur’s triumph over the Saxons. I guess that they were never a problem again.

It is a good thing that I didn’t write the script. I would have had the defeated Saxons gather around a surviving chieftain called Wodenston who would rally them with “You ask, What is our aim? I can answer in one word: Victory — victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror; victory, however long and hard the road may be; for without victory, there is no survival…Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties and so bear ourselves that, if the Saxon tribe and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will still say, ‘This was their second finest hour.

Will the Editors Notice?

Posted in General on December 23rd, 2009 by Eugene Finerman – 2 Comments

I am working on two magazine articles.  The topic of one is Genghis Khan and the other is on William Safire.  Whether it is the ravages of middle age or the demands of the deadlines, I am starting to blur the assignments.

 

Here is what I have written so far:

Article I:  The Word Conqueror

Genghis’ first assignment did not go well.  To his terror, he was immediately summoned to the office of Pat Buchanan. Buchanan looked both surprised and relieved by Genghis’ appearance.  “With the name Khan I thought that you might be a Jew.”  However his smile immediately resumed its customary snarl.

“The President needs a speech for a Boy Scout jamboree and this is what you wrote. 

The greatest happiness is to vanquish your enemies, to chase them before you, to rob them of their wealth, to see those dear to them bathed in tears, to clasp to your bosom their wives and daughters.

“Listen, kid, Nixon wants a tougher speech than that!”

 

Article II:  Lend Me Your Ears or I Will Cut Them Off

William Safire ordered the massacre of Samarkand’s population when the citizens consistently confused flout with flaunt.

Sex and Sects

Posted in General on December 22nd, 2009 by Eugene Finerman – 4 Comments

First, let’s wish Giacomo Puccini A HAPPY BIRTHDAY. The playboy, lecher and composer would have been 151 today but for the fact that he smoked. To the modern audience, Puccini would be known as the “pre-composer” of Miss Saigon and Rent.  In his honor, sing Tosca in the shower–with someone else’s spouse. 

Next, a timely investment in theology:

The Wailing Wall Street Journal: 

December XXV, annum I

HEARD IN THE FORUM
New Management, New Image for LORD & Co.

How to Teach an Old Dogma New Tricks

JERUSALEM:  In a land this poor, it is not surprising that the Jews could not afford more than one God. Nor could the choosing people offer their deity the customary “perks” of divinity. Their generic God has to be invisible: it saves a fortune in marble. The Almighty can also forget about hosting theater, orgies and gladiator games. Here Heaven has a low overhead.

The question is can this religion be marketed? Gaius Phelonius of the Janus Theology Fund sees the potential. “Paganism is a headache. You have to sacrifice to all these Gods. You forget one, and you end up in a Greek tragedy. Now, if you had one all-purpose God, and a very cost-conscious one at that, think of what you’ll save in this world and the next.

“Monotheism can sell. Our focus groups show a decline in brand loyalty. People don’t see a real difference between Ceres and Isis. This is the biggest market erosion since the collapse of the Mother Earth cult. The public is ready for a change, and they are going to love this product. Think of it: a God with morals. A deity you can trust with your daughter.”

Phelonius did concede that monotheism had certain image problems. “All right, in terms of charisma, He’s no Apollo. That can be overcome. He’ll seem more likable if He has a wife and Son. The real challenge is to make Him less ethnic. Right now, He’s a little too East Coast. His idiosyncrasies about pork and foreskins won’t sell in Ephesus or Corinth. But it’s only a question of packaging.”

Your Cultural Tyrant Speaks

Posted in General on December 20th, 2009 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment

Public Service Announcement: Turner Classic Movies is dedicating the day to “epics”.  You can watch for the fourth or fifth time “Ben Hur” and “Doctor Zhivago.”  So, leave this computer and turn on your television immediately.  If you don’t subscribe to TCM at least go to your nearest appliance store and stand in front of a television for the next fourteen hours. If that store doesn’t get TCM, then complain to the management and take yourself to a store with better taste.

Here is my summary of the films.  It may be somewhat subjective but you don’t have to be objective if you are correct:

Doctor Zhivago:  The film is gorgeous, a sweeping romantic epic–and it has absolutely nothing to do with the novel, which is a soporific dissertation on poetry.  The author Boris Pasternak only seemed animate during his periodic tirades about how much he hates being Jewish. Self-loathing may be an artistic inspiration but Julie Christie makes a much cuter muse.

Ben-Hur:  It inspired me to buy a rowing machine.    And, yes, Messala does look longingly at Ben-Hur.  Director William Wyler told Stephen Boyd to add that subtext to the plot. 

The King of Kings (directed by Nicholas Ray):   As the risk of repeating myself–actually I love it–

https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2006/12/23/the-greatest-story-ever-miscast/

The King of Kings (directed by Cecil B. DeMille):  With DeMille’s usual prurience, he depicts a romantic triangle between Judas, Mary Magdalene and Jesus.  DeMille was half-Jewish and all-chutzpah.

Well, you have your schedule and instructions.  Enjoy!

But Doesn’t a Comma Look Suggestive?

Posted in General on December 19th, 2009 by Eugene Finerman – 2 Comments

Senate Dems reach 60 vote threshold on health bill

AP

Democratic leaders secure the support of Sen. Ben Nelson to provide the 60th and deciding vote for sweeping health care legislation in the Senate, capping a year of struggle and a final burst of deadline bargaining on President Barack Obama’s top domestic priority.

Nelson, D-Neb., said he made his decision after winning fresh concessions to limit the availability of abortions in insurance sold in newly created exchanges, as well as tens of million in federal Medicaid funds for his home state.

Senator Nelson also demanded changes in the bill’s punctuation.  Semi-colons would be removed because they suggested dirty parts of the anatomy.  For the same reason, periods were also deleted.  With no further objections from the Senator, the bill’s sentences now end in exclamation points. 

And in a further concession to the Senator, chinchilla toupees would be covered by the healthcare bill.

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic significance of this day:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2008/12/20/khedives-sultans-and-kings-job-titles-in-egypts/