FinermanWorks

I was going to write about the Oklahoma Land Rush, which probably would have meandered into discussions of slave-owning Indian tribes who fought for the Confederacy, a dreadful novelist named Edna Ferber, and the inexplicable existence of a Naval ROTC at the University of Oklahoma.

But we have a breaking news story….

On behalf of the census, the Social Security Administration and the future, I would like to welcome Benjamin Wyatt Miller to the world.  As I probably would admit to a grand jury, I am a friend of Master Miller’s grandfather–the somewhat inestimable Bob Kincaid.    So I can imagine what a dismaying annoyance Bob was in choosing the child’s names.  Ancient Scot that he is, Bob still feels some allegiance to the Stuarts; so he might have campaigned for a moniker like MacClaymore Caledonald.  On other the hand, Bob would want his grandson’s name to reflect American history and culture:  Civil Liberty Valance.  (Bob is convinced that  John Wayne and Jimmy Stewart shot Lee Marvin only because he was the town Democrat.)  Of course, Bob did consider the possibility of a granddaughter and he wanted a name that would determine her political preferences;  Newdelia.

Nonetheless,  Benjamin Wyatt makes a good name–even if it is an incongruous pairing.  Benjamin is a Hebrew name, meaning son of the right.  This would suggest that Benjamin was a Paleo-Neo-Con, but it really was his father Jacob’s attempt to improve the boy’s self-image.  The child was originally  named Benoni which loosely translates to “you pathetic loser, you killed your mother in childbirth.”  Somehow, Benjamin seemed a kinder name.

Wyatt originally was the Angle-Saxon name Wigherd.   If meant literally,  a herd of  wigs in Angle-Saxon England would confirm the existence of the medieval Rotary Club; that horrifying revelation could be the plot of the next Dan Brown novel.  However, Wighard actually means “war-hardy.”  Of course, if the Angle-Saxons really were that “wigherd”, the Normans couldn’t have changed the name to Wyatt.  (In hindsight, Hastings might prove a luckier name.)

In any case, welcome to the world Benjamin Wyatt Miller.  Your honorary great-uncle Eugene will help you with your history homework.

Finally, someone appreciates me.  I just received this email.

Hello,

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Our offer is actually quite interesting, a 3 way link as opposed to a reciprocal link. You link to http://www.hornymatches.ws and we link to you on SexDate*****.com  We offer the best type of link exchange. Also,SexDate****.com  has a very nice directory that we have been building so you are sure to find a category there for your site. If not, please just make your suggestion to us.

Here is our link info:

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Have a great week and I hope that we can do business with you in the very near future.

Regards.
Violet Smith

Of course, many of you have suspected that FinermanWorks really was a porn site.  Yes, I am a front for historic pornography.  Consider the portraits of  Byzantine empresses.  Under all those mosaics, they are naked!  True, it is a bit of an effort to pick away the right tiles to get to the good stuff. 

But if you order “Hot Babes of the Comnenian Dynasty” (in peel-off mosaics or peek-a-boo icons) , as a special gift, I’ll send you a collection of centerfolds from the Book of Kells.    See St. Brigid the way that you always wanted to!  (All right, those Irish monks couldn’t draw well but it is the closest we’ll ever get to Maureen O’Hara having nude scenes in “Miracle on 34th Street”.)

And if you happen to be that way, your panderer-in-chief can offer pictures of gay Japanese samurai from the 16th century.  Two of the leading warlords weren’t interested in warladies.  Really.  To Uesugi Kenshin and Oda Nobunaga, shogun was as much a proposition as a title.  

Remember, it is always an orgy at FinermanWorks.

Husbands throughout the Northern Hemisphere now may be confronted with a new reason for doing the yardwork. A Viking treasure might be waiting. Recently, a little yardwork uncovered more than 1,000 silver coins from the 10th century. Of course, that was more likely to happen in Gotland, Sweden than in Northbrook, Illinois but your wife will still hand you a rake.

The coins were Arabic. Indulging in modern stereotypes, we might imagine some emir flinging a fortune at Scandinavian blondes. In fact, that treasure hoard more likely was a Viking’s retirement fund, the measure of a life of successful looting.

Western Europe is familiar with the Danish and Norwegian Vikings; victims tend to remember. However, the Swedish Vikings were not exactly vying for the Nobel Peace Prize. In fact, they made their western cousins seem like underachievers. The Norwegians grabbed Normandy and Scotland. The Danes overran Ireland and England. That was not trivial; they could write home about that if postcards came in Runic. But the Swedish Vikings took over Russia!

Known by the Slavic pronunciation as Varangians, they in fact created Russia in the 9th century, merging the independent tribes into one nation. Any Slavic reluctance succumbed to Viking persuasion. However, it really was not much of a nation. The Varangians united the country only to divide it up among themselves, and they had no reason to trust each. Nonetheless, even thieves need a sense of etiquette, and the chief thief was acknowledged as the Great Prince of Kiev. The names of the first Great Princes reflect their Viking origin: Rurik, Oleg and Ingmar. (Then came Svaitoslav; by the fourth generation some assimilation was inevitable.)

Ruling Russia was pleasant and profitable, but the Vikings were never known for their complacency. There was a particular temptation directly to the South: the Byzantine Empire. Byzantium was the greatest and richest civilization in medieval Christendom. The Vikings were not really interested in illuminated manuscripts except to rip off the gold leaf, but all that gold leaf was incentive enough.

Oleg and Svaitoslav launched attacks on the Byzantine Empire. Oleg lived to regret it; Svaitoslav did not. It turned out that the Byzantines could defend themselves. Some of their erudition was very practical, especially a form of napalm known as Greek Fire. It incinerated Oleg’s fleet, further blackening the Black Sea.

After those debacles, the Vikings came to a depressing realization. If they wanted Constantinople’s gold, they would have earn it through honest labor. Fortunately, there was a market for Viking prowess in the Byzantine army. Indeed, that army offered a very promising career: good pay and ample opportunities for loot, and the decadent delight of spending it in the most luxurious city in the world. Hearing of such lucrative opportunities. many young men ventured from Scandinavia to make the very long journey to Constantinople. The Byzantine Army soon had thousands of Viking recruits who were organized into the Varangian Guard.

I would guess that the recently discovered trove of Arab coins had belonged to a veteran of the Varangian Guard. In the tenth century, the Byzantine Empire was expanding at the expense of the bordering Arab states, reconquering territory it had lost in the seventh century. Antioch was one of the great cities of Antiquity, and it still was tempting by medieval standards. When the city was captured by the Byzantines, there must have been a lot to loot.

Perhaps one Varangian guard discovered, stole or extorted 1000 silver coins as the victors ran amok. Of course, he would be expected to share with his fellow soldiers; but if he didn’t, he had all the more reason to move back to Scandinavia. With that fortune, he could retire in luxury.

Ironically, he evidently did not. Aside from the usual slaughter among vying nobles, tenth century Scandinavia was rift by a new reason for war: religion. Pagans and Christians were applying Viking means to debate theology. Although the Christians obviously had the last word, it was a long and heated debate. Our Varangian veteran (who had to become a nominal Christian to enlist in the Byzantine army) eventually was caught in this turmoil. He buried his treasure but apparently did not live to retrieve it.

In hindsight, he probably would have been better off spending the fortune in Constantinople, carousing among women of rentable affection. But then today we would not have this inspiring reason for yardwork.

If you are planning to apply for Icelandic citizenship, here is the naturalization test:

Eyjafjallajokull.  You have to say it. 

If you need a little help, here is the pronunciation guide: 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Eyjafjallaj%C3%B6kull.ogg

No, that doesn’t help either.  I played it five times and I still can’t say the name of that damn volcano.  I am renaming it “Smokull Jo.” 

And let’s not forget the historic significance of this day:

 https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/04/16/vanity-pharisee-2/

April 13-15, 1204: Just Some Old Scrolls

Today, if historians and librarians seem less vivacious than usual, they may be brooding over the lost works of Aristotle.  During a three day rampage by Crusaders, the last complete collection of Aristotle went up in flames along with most of Constantinople.  The Crusaders could not read their own language (French or Italian), so they certainly made no sense of classical Greek.  The ancient parchments meant nothing to them.  In their sack of the greatest city in Christendom, the Crusaders applied a simple criterion:  if you can’t cash it, drink it or rape it, then burn it.  Unfortunately, Aristotle made a fun bonfire.

Constantinople and the Byzantine Empire never recovered from the Crusaders’ attack.  When the Ottoman Turks showed up 249 years later, they scavenged only the despoiled remnant of the city.  However, I will defer the story of the Fourth Crusade for another day.  Today, I would rather pick on the victims.

Between barbarian invasion and Christian censorship, much of Greek and Latin literature was lost.  Of the great cities of the Roman world, Constantinople alone survived–and indeed thrived.  It had an university and libraries and, at least, the tolerance and intellectual curiosity to preserve the writings of pagan authors.  In the 9th century, a Patriarch of Constantinople would brag about possessing the collected works of Aristotle; at the time, western Europe had forgotten who the philosopher was.  The Patriarch referred to books that are now lost; today we  only have a third of Aristotle’s writings.

Why didn’t the Byzantines safeguard that invaluable trove of ancient scrolls and make copies for posterity?  Well, Aristotle wasn’t exactly on the top of their syllabus.  It was one thing to collect his works, but far more controversial to teach them.  Education in Byzantium had to comply with Christian values, and Aristotle was lamentably pagan.  Since his books on rhetoric and logic were not explicit endorsements of polytheism, they were permissible in the Byzantine curriculum.  But that was  just a fraction of his writings.  Imagine if Dostoyevsky were only valued as a primer on epilepsy.  The works of Aristotle were more often dusted than read.

The monks and scholars of Byzantium could keep busy transcribing the Patriarch’s sermons and writing biographies of the most obscure saints, but why waste their time and parchment making copies of pagan literature.  One set of Aristotle’s works seemed sufficient.  The Byzantine scribes would do just enough to repair the mice gnawings.  But in 1204 the Crusaders proved a little more destructive than that.

Aristotle was unappreciated by the Byzantines and unknown to the Western Europeans; ironically, his most enthusiastic students were Moslems.  They had found fragments of his work in the libraries of Syria and Egypt, and their scholars had translated his writings into Arabic.  Yet, even with their incomplete texts, the Moslem intellectuals would introduce Aristotle to western Europe.  In the 12th century the Moors of Spain were reading him, and they thought that he was too good to hoard.  Jewish and Christian Spaniards were making translations, and the Latin editions eventually got past the Pyrenees.

By the mid-13th century, the scholars of western Europe could not get enough of this “new” philosopher.  Because of Byzantine dogma and Crusader destruction, they never would.

April 15th is both the income tax deadline and the feast day for the patron saint of laundresses. Either way, you get taken to the cleaners. Since you probably know the IRS more than you wish, let me introduce you to St. Hunna. She was a German noble of the seventh century who turned her fetish into a sainthood. Hunna liked to wash the poor.

Everyone in 7th century Western Europe was filthy. (You would not want to be a flea in the Dark Ages.) Hunna’s fellow nobles were just as encrusted as the peasants, but at least they could not be bullied by a shrew with a wash rag. The poor, however, were in no position to refuse Lady Hunna. Let’s hope that she coaxed them rather than terrorized them. “I’ll give you a slice of bread if you let me bathe you.” (Footnote for our younger or unattached readers: this is a lousy pickup line. At least offer a whole pizza.)

Soap had yet to be introduced into Europe; those decadent Moslems were inventing it at this time. So Hunna’s method of washing would have been limited to soaking and scraping. She would have washed a body the way that we would clean a pan. The miserable but clean poor: I don’t know if any of them became saints, but they all were martyrs.

Considering how many psychopaths and pyromaniacs have been canonized, Hunna’s fetish does seem comparatively holy. Happy Saint Hunna’s Day to you all

Act I:  The Limits of My Masochism

On this day in 1865, Abraham Lincoln had a really bad time at the theater.  Of course, many of us have sat through plays, wishing that John Wilkes Booth would put us out of our misery.  Let me recall some of my traumas….

April 12, 1633:  Galileo’s Date With the Inquisition 

At least, it was the Italian Inquisition.  Galileo Galilei would only be tortured and executed after conviction.  In Spain, suspects often did not live through the trial, but their corpses would be re-executed in public.  Of course, Galileo would be found guilty; even the Italians weren’t that lenient.  But with ample groveling and recantation, the scientist was allowed to survive.  He would spend the remainder of his life–nine years– under house arrest.

And he really had committed a form of heresy: tactlessness.  His espousal of the Heliocentric Theory was not the problem.  In fact, the Church knew that the earth evolved around the sun.  It had the proof when Galileo was still discovering girls.  In 1582 the Church had premiered a new and improved calendar and, with rather obvious product placement, named it for Pope Gregory XIII.   But the same mathematical precision that calculated the correct length of the year and the exact date of the equinoces and solstices left the Church’s staff of astronomers with an unavoidable conclusion.  Oops, the Bible was wrong.

Frankly, the 17th century Church was not fond of the Bible, if only because the Protestants were.  A press release from the Vatican could have announced:  “Earth Actually Evolves Around the Sun.  Jews Lied to Us.”  But the Church preferred not to publicize the awkward truth.  (The Church seems to love keeping secrets.)

So the problem with Galileo really had nothing to do with science.  It was all a matter of tact–and Galileo didn’t have any.  Galileo had nothing new to say on the subject, but he just had to say it louder. The Church even gave him permission to publish his conclusions, so long as he followed Pope Urban VIII’s recommendation to be diplomatic to the supporters of the geocentric theory.

Unfortunately, Galileo did not feel like being polite to advocates of idiocy; and he wanted to insult anyone who even tolerated the geocentric club. So instead of a nice, scholarly discourse, Galileo had to write a satire. In his “Dialogue Concerning the Two Chief World Systems”, Galileo has the geocentric theory espoused by a pretentious fool named Simplicius. Apparently overestimating the Church’s sense of humor, Galileo gave Simplicius a remarkable resemblance to the Pope.

And this was in 1632, right in the middle of the Thirty Years War. In the midst of religious genocide, the Church really did not need the distraction of a debate among its parishioners over the sun’s and the earth’s itinerary. On the contrary, everything had to evolve around the Church. If Galileo couldn’t keep a civil tongue, he was lucky to have a tongue at all. The Church had nothing against the actual science; it was just at a really inconvenient time. Yes, the first convenient time turned to be 350 years later.

But it was Galileo’s fault. Did the Church condemn any other scientist or physician?  No, because they were polite.   Newton was willing to give God credit for inventing gravity. Einstein, Heisenberg, and quantum physics were no problem; as long as it is unintelligible, the Church approves. Freud–well, that was just Jewish psychosis.  Edward Jenner never bragged, “Why didn’t Jesus think of this?”  Otherwise, the Church might have had to endorse smallpox. As for Darwin, he and the Church got along fine by ignoring each other.

So, Galileo really was condemned for his bad manners.  And perhaps all those polite scientists learned from his example.

 Confederate History and Heritage Month 2013

April 1-30^th 2013 is Confederate History and Heritage Month throughout the USA!

The Confederate History and Heritage Month Committee of the National and Georgia Division Sons of Confederate Veterans proudly recognizes and appreciates the signing of proclamations by Southern governors, mayors and county commissioners since 1995 designating the month of April as “Confederate History and Heritage Month.”

 

The Reason for the War:

In November of 1860,a shifty liberal lawyer named Abraham claimed to have won the presidential election.  In fact, he only had a minority of the popular, God-fearing American votes; but you know how those Abie lawyers can always find a loophole.  As if the Electoral College really counted!  Well, real Americans (and with the foreskins to prove it–you’ll notice that Abraham never was willing to show his) wouldn’t stand for such an electoral fraud.   Rather than kneel to such slavery, we fled his tyranny.

The War Itself

You know that we actually won the war, but the cheating North kept changing the rules.  How many times did we have to win Bull Run?  We won the first day at Shiloh, and the first two days at Gettysburg; but those Yankees kept insisting on overtimes and do-overs.  They wouldn’t play like gentlemen.

A Certain Misunderstanding

The interfering socialists of the North just didn’t understand how we treated certain of our pets.  We loved them.  Why they practically followed us home from Africa, and it wouldn’t have been right to let them succumb to neglect.

And now you know Confederate History.

Branding Comes Early in Filmmaking Process

New York Times

 

LOS ANGELES — Jordan Yospe had some notes on the script for “The 28th Amendment,” a thriller about a president and a rogue Special Forces agent on the run. Some of the White House scenes were not detailed enough, Mr. Yospe thought. And, he suggested, the heroes should stop for a snack while they were on the lam.

“There’s no fast-food scene at all, but they have to eat,” he said.

Mr. Yospe was not a screenwriter, not a producer, not even a studio executive. No, Mr. Yospe was a lawyer with the firm Manatt, Phelps & Phillips. He was meeting with the writer-producer Roberto Orci, who co-wrote “Transformers” and “Star Trek,” to talk about how to include brands in “The 28th Amendment.”

In the past, studio executives made deals to include products in films. Now, with the help of people like Mr. Yospe, writers and producers themselves are cutting the deals often before the movie is cast or the script is fully shaped, like “The 28th Amendment,” which Warner Brothers has agreed to distribute.

Now, having Campbell’s Soup or Chrysler associated with your project can be nearly as important to your pitch as signing Tom Cruise.  

For the moviegoer, the shift will mean that advertising will become more integral to the movie. The change may not be obvious at first, but the devil is going to wear a lot more Prada.

Manufacturers can stipulate that a clothing label must be tried on “in a positive manner,” or candy or hamburgers have to be eaten “judiciously.” A liquor company might sponsor a film only if there is no underage drinking or if the bar where its product is served is chic rather than seedy.

The more intricately a film involves a product, the more a brand pays for the appearance, offering fees ranging from a few hundred thousand dollars to several million a film.

Trying to justify my exorbitant cable TV bill, I recently watched “The Island.” It was two hours of death-defying adventure, intelligence-defying plot and taste-defying product placement. For instance, after a busy day of eluding death squads in the dystopic future, you can refresh yourself with a bottle of Aqua Fina. And why not make your harrowing escapes in a BMW.

(BMW’s publicity was minor compared to the product placement that Mercedes Benz received in “Triumph of the Will“. Now that was a celebrity endorsement!)

But why should product placement be limited to movies or television?

Wouldn’t the astute corporation want the Bible, William Shakespeare and Leo Tolstoy to shill for its products? I am pleased to announce that my new editing service–Masterpiece Marketing– can offer product placement in the greatest works of literature.

Think of the promotional opportunities in The Odyssey. For instance, the astute sponsor could add some helpful details about the construction of the Trojan Horse.

“Now sing of that wooden horse,

the ambuscade Odysseus planned,

The wily Greek knew where to shop

For all his needs at Home Depot.”

Among other Homeric endorsers, Circe is very popular among pet-lovers, and Polyphemus would make a credible user of Visine. And, as each member of Odysseus’ crew is devoured or drowns, his dying words could be “This wouldn’t happen on a Carnival Cruise.”

The Bible can perform miracles for your marketing. For instance, the Ten Plagues of Egypt needs corporate sponsors. Frogs, flies and locusts tie in nicely with Orkin; boils and the deaths of the first-born are good reasons to have Blue Cross/Blue Shield. And why did the Magi bring gold, frankincense and myrrh?  They first checked the baby registry at Target. We can also arrange to have your company included in the Beatitudes.

Would your company like to appear in Shakespeare? “Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by YOUR NAME HERE.” “Oh, brave new world that has YOUR PRODUCT in it!”  For a slight additional fee, your endorsement will be included in Cliff’s Notes.

Masterpiece Marketing also offers a multi-media package, providing product placement in a novel and its film adaptation. For example, “Anna Karenina” offers memorable endorsements for vodka, mattresses and trains.

Masterpiece Marketing: creative ways to improve the truth.