If you had any doubts, yes I loved “The King’s Speech.”  The story of George VI and his valiant struggle to overcome his stammer is poignant and moving, with a wonderful cast.  It is a conventional film; there are no dazzling computer graphics, no possible video games from it, no tie-ins with McDonalds or Baskin-Robbins.   “The King’s Speech’ is merely everything you would want in a good movie. 

Yes, I also noticed the historical errors and distortions. Given our reverence for Winston Churchill, it is hard to think of him being in the wrong.  In fact, hidebound traditionalist that he was, Churchill supported Edward VIII in his royal snit to have both the throne and Mrs. Simpson.  The film gives the contrary impression, a tactful fabrication to protect Churchill’s reputation.  “”The King’s Speech” also gives the impression that Wallis was planning to redesign the royal crest, replacing the lion and unicorn with pugs.  However, in the Thirties the Windsors had yet to become pugherders.

I was also bewildered by a scene in which Prime Minister Stanley Baldwin tenders his resignation. According to the film, Baldwin admits his shame in failing to recognize the threat from Herr Hitler.  Actually, Baldwin did not have the scriptwriter’s hindsight.  In 1937, Baldwin couldn’t have cared less about Hitler, rather regarding him as antidote to Stalin. Baldwin probably was more affected by the death of Jean Harlow. No, he was just ready to retire, and leaving at his political pinnacle. A nice peerage was awaiting him.

But these faults do not seriously detract from viewing a fine film.

Now, if only a filmmaker would do justice to the Duke and Duchess of Windsor. Judd Apatow certainly would give them the respect they deserve. The thought of Seth Rogen playing him would torment the Duke more than anything he currently is enduring.

Helena Bonham Carter (whose forebears would have known the original cast) could recommend a talented, if somewhat surreal, director. Imagine Tim Burton’s portrayal of the Windsors. By comparison, the Romanovs might have gotten off lucky. And Johnny Depp would be just right for the role. Yes, I am thinking of the Duchess.

And let’s not forget the theological significance of this day;  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/01/21/patrician-noster/

A few weeks ago someone asked me my opinion of the Sea Hawks.  Of course, he was referring to the football team but–in my historical monomania–I began discussing the Errol Flynn swashbuckler of that name.  Looking for suitable scripts for its gorgeous, dashing star, Warners Brothers had bought the film rights to the best-selling novel, a pirate epic by Rafael Sabatini.  The original novel tells of a kidnapped noble, sold into slavery, who becomes the leader of a pirate fleet and the scourge of the Mediterranean. Warners Bros. only kept the title; its version would tell of an Elizabethan privateer who protects his beloved Queen and England from the growing and imminent menace of Spain.

“The Sea Hawk” premiered in 1940 and any semblances in the film to contemporary characters and events were magnificently intentional.  In the film’s opening scene, Philip II in Spain rues how his plans for world domination are defied and stymied by “”this puny rockbound island as barren and treacherous as her Queen.”  While Spain is preparing an invasion armada, Philip is counting on his collaborators in the Elizabethan court to keep England lulled and disarmed.  “With England conquered, nothing can stand in our way. Northern Africa… Europe as far east as the Urals… then the New World: to the north, to the south, west to the Pacific… over the Pacific to China and to the Indies will our empire spread. One day, before my death, we shall sit here and gaze at this map upon the wall. It will have ceased to be a map of the world. It will be Spain.”

Rest assured, Errol Flynn discovers the invasion plans and warns England in time.  A grateful (and infatuated) Queen Elizabeth knights the valiant privateer and then rouses the English fleet to defend freedom against tyranny. 

Of course, we clearly see the historical parallels and have no problems with the film’s obvious bias.  You don’t have to be objective when you are in the right.  Yet, when the film premiered, the prevalent mood of the American public was isolationist.  It was Europe’s war, not ours.  I was curious as to how film reviews at the time discussed the pro-British stance of “The Sea Hawk.”  This is what I found.  “Time Magazine” ignored the issue, preferring to regale its readers with anecdotes about director Michael Curtiz’s thick Hungarian accent.   The New York Times, however, did make note of the plot’s parallels.  While dismissing “The Sea Hawk” as an overblown trifle, Bosley Crowther added,

But count on the Warners to inject a note of contemporary significance. This time, it seems, Queen Elizabeth is undecided between a policy of appeasing Philip of Spain or building a fleet to oppose his growing Armada. A certain Lord Wolfingham, in the sheep’s clothing of one of her counselors, is doing a bit of fifth-column work within the castle for the Spanish ambassador, while her loyal subjects beg to build a fleet. But it is only after Geoffrey Thorpe, one of her most daring and dreaded sea rovers, has done a desperate turn on the Spanish Main, has been caught and impressed in galley slavery, has escaped and captured an enemy ship and come bounding home to inform her that the Spanish are coming that Elizabeth senses the peril. Quite an interesting parallel. Get it?

Yes, you smarmy Ivy Leaguer, we get it.  And London was about to get it, too.  As Crowther snipes, Warners Bros. was the interventionist, Democratic studio of Hollywood.  Jack Warner was not actually a liberal, but he felt compelled to be the political opposite of Louis B. Mayer.  (Even as late as 1941, Mayer wanted MGM to avoid controversy and “be even-handed about the Germans”.  Perhaps Mayer was hoping for a private shower at Auschwitz.)  Yet, even Warners Bros. made one concession to isolationist sentiment.  For the American release, “The Sea Hawk” ends with the hero’s knighthood; the Queen’s call to defend freedom was edited out. 

Nonetheless, films from Warners Bros. would continue to flout our official neutrality.  In the film “The Sea Wolf” you know that Edward G. Robinson is a monster because he reads Nietzsche.  (And which kultur was so fond of the syphilitic philosopher?)  Isolationists in Congress demanded an investigation of certain studios and individuals, wanting to know if they were the paid agents and propagandists of Britain.  The hearings were scheduled for December, 1941.  For some reason, the hearings were called off.  

So, why am I writing about “The Sea Hawk”?  Of course, I really don’t need a reason to be pedantic but “The Sea Hawk” is going to be broadcast this Saturday night on Turner Classic Movies.  Despite Bosley Crowthers’ opinion, the film is excellent–with an incisive and eloquent script, superbly acting–particularly the 38 year-old Flora Robson as Elizabeth, and with one of the greatest musical scores in Hollywood history.  (Composer Erich Korngold left Germany in a hurry but remembered to take generous amounts of Brahms and Wagner.)  Of course, Errol Flynn is unhumanly glorious.  Furthermore, Turner Classic Movies will be showing the uncensored version, concluding with the rousing call-to-arms by Elizabeth.

Even if you can’t see it this Saturday, you couldn’t find a better use for your DVR.

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic significance of this day:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/01/20/simon-says/

As you probably guessed, I have been tutoring Sarah Palin in medieval history.  You can now expect her to make erudite but casual references to Eleanor of Aquitaine, Thomas Aquinas and the Byzantine Empire. Of course, you have heard and read of her use the term “blood libel.”  Yes, I should take a bow.  

Ms. Palin had been unaware of the canard that Jews murdered young Christian children to improve the taste of matzoh–as if anything could.  Given her encounters with William Kristol and Ben Stein, she assumed that Jews only slobbered over Christian women.  (And but for the dry cleaning, she was quite flattered.)  Through the Middle Ages whenever a child died suddenly or simply disappeared, it had to be a Jewish recipe.  With the expulsion of the Jews from Britain in 1291, apparently no English child fell down a well ever again.   In the 16th century, Martin Luther added some variety to the blood libel by accusing the Jews of being vampires.  At the time, it was not meant as a compliment to our sensuous mystique.  But Luther had a bad word for everyone, and his Anti-Semitism did not incite violence; just four centuries of exclusion from country clubs.

Indeed, thanks to the Reformation, and Catholics and Protestants preoccupied with killing each other, Western Europe became somewhat safer for Jews.  However, Eastern Europe now was catching up with Anti-Semitism.  The blood libel, and its ensuing massacres, were still common in the early 20th century.  It is surprising that Tsarist Russia never issued a celebratory postage stamp:  Go Pogroms!  And today the Arab World is disseminating the blood libel, although the recipe has been changed to young Moslem children.  Evidently, when it comes to inciting Anti-Semitism, that age-old lie is more effective than “Curb Your Enthusiasm.”   

Of course, I had to explain this to Ms. Palin in terms that she would understand.  Medievel means media evil, and the blood libel referred to the New York Times’ recipe to turn her into quiche.

p.s.  And here is the Spanish example of blood libel:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2007/11/16/enhanced-interrogations-circa-1490/

 Jan. 11 (Bloomberg) — An Andy Warhol print of Mao Zedong that the late actor Dennis Hopper shot up during a wild night in the 1970s sold for $302,500 at Christie’s International in New York today.
 
 The price, which included buyer’s commission, was more than 10 times the high presale estimate of $30,000. “Warhol’s Mao: one plate” was among over 200 artworks Christie’s was selling from the estate of the actor, who died at 74 last year from prostate cancer.
 
 The blue-faced Mao print went to investment banker Amed Khan, who bested several telephone bidders to acquire his first Warhol.
 
 “I heard about it over the years,” said Khan, about the work. “It’s a remarkable piece of history.” Hopper shot the print twice when he mistook it for the actual Chinese leader, according to Christie’s.

This may lead to an unfortunate trend, however….

2050:  The estate of the late Charles Sheen is offering for sale his art collection.  The paintings include “Sunday Afternoon on the Island of  the Grand Jatte”, a collaborative work by George Seurat and Mr. Sheen.  The 19th century Frenchman did the original work and Mr. Sheen subsequently connected the dots with several cans of Cheez Whiz.  Presale estimate:  $4 billion, with an opening  bid of $27.

Another offered work was originally titled “The Execution of Emperor Maximilian”, Edouard Manet’s depiction of the unfortunate Austrian Archduke’s appointment with a Mexican firing squad.  To Mr. Sheen however, the scene seemed unfair.  So, with the use of some magic markers, he had the bullets bouncing off Maximilian and the Emperor firing back.  Presale estimate:  $700 million with an opening bid of just take the damn thing.

I recently encountered a person who claimed an interesting job:  teaching theater at a business school.  She said it with a straight face, although that could have been her botox.  But I think that we have all encountered a salesman who could have taught drama to Olivier.  Marketing and theater do seem synonymous. 

And we must remember that, after every major corporate scandals, MBA programs vow to include ethics in the curriculum.  The colleges probably realize the futility of teaching morals to ravenous sociopaths; but with a good acting class their MBAs can fake the ethics.

But how widespread is the Theater of Business?  Today, I saw this job posting.

So, it is not enough to make cheese.  You have to sing and dance.  Fortunately, a good talent and organization manager will have the foresight to hire Judy Garland and Mickey Rooney.  When the cruel bank threatens to foreclose on Widow Kraft’s dairy farm, the kids will put on a show to raise the money for the mortgage. 

Of course, I don’t think that Judy and Mickey are the answer to every scandal or shortfall.  No, for major investment firms you might want Dick Powell and Ruby Keeler.

My synagogue will be very disappointed in what I have to say.  Kate Middleton, the fiancee of William Windsor, is not remotely Jewish.  Yes, her mother’s maiden name is Goldsmith–which seems a Jewish moniker as well as occupation.  Furthermore, with the very same name, there is a prominent (and frequently notorious) British family which definitely is Semitic.  Remember the international playboy Sir James Goldsmith; you probably know someone he slept with.  That Goldsmith family founded the University of London at a time when Oxford and Cambridge wouldn’t allow Jews to graduate.  (They could attend the colleges, however;  English Anti-Semitism can be very polite.)

However, Kate Middleton ain’t one of those Goldsmiths–who originally were the Goldschmidts.  No, her Goldsmiths seem to be parishioners all the way back to Stonehenge.

If it is any solace at my synagogue, Prince William may be 1/32nd Jewish.  There were rumors about Prince Albert, the consort of Queen Victoria.  He did seem unusually brunet and intelligent for a Saxe-Coburg-Gotha, and his mother was said to be on very cordial terms with the Court financier.  Prince Philip did consent to genetic testing to help identify the remains of the Romanovs.  But I doubt that anyone in the Royal family will offer a swab sample to prove a relationship with Sacha Baron Cohen.

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic significance of this day:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/01/08/new-orleans-and-salaciously-old-orleans/

I can tell you the date of the battle of Manzikert but I have yet to memorize my cell phone number.  So how would I remember that today is the birthday of Joan Stewart Smith?  Of course, the name Stewart would trigger my mnemonic synapses.  And I would be just as cognizant if she were Joan Hohenzollern Smith, Joan Romanov Smith or Joan Qing/Manchu Smith.  However it really helped that she publicly announced that today is her birthday.  (She is in public relations but I am still willing to believe her.)

Happy Birthday Joan.  I hope that you don’t mind sharing it with Bishop Ussher.  He could use you as a publicist.

January 4, 1581:  Happy Birthday Bishop Ussher

Imagine being remembered for the most stupid thing you ever said.  And I mean “remembered“:  three centuries later, people would still be mocking you.  That is the pathetic legacy of James Ussher (1581-1656).  He’s the one who said that the universe was created in October, 4004 B.C.  Now stop your sneering.  He was not a village idiot or a charlatan, but a highly respected scholar and Anglican clergyman.   However preposterous his calculation now seems, it was a painstaking interpolation of history and the Bible.

His chronology was the culmination of four years of research.  Ussher was so diligent that he would not trust the Greek or Latin translations of the Bible; he went back to the original Hebrew.  (You may question the quality of Hebrew taught in 16th century Dublin, and if he ever practiced it with any merchants in London.)  The polyglot Ussher was also using the works of Greek and Roman historians to weave the pagans’ chronology with the Bible’s.   Finished in 1654, “Annales Veteris et Nove Testamenti” was in fact an unprecedented work of scholarship.

Until Ussher, ancient history had no precise chronology.  Yes, theater goers knew that Julius Caesar died on March 15, but the exact year was a guess.   When did Alexander the Great live?  You’d think that scholars would know; they didn’t.  History since Anno Domini had a defined order; but “before Christ” was a vague progression.  People knew that Rameses came before Cyrus, who came before Hannibal, but the specific dates were unknown.  Ussher changed that and with an impressive degree of accuracy.  He was the first true chronicler of ancient history.  The battle of Marathon–490 B.C.: correct.  Babylonians destroy Jerusalem–586 B.C.: give or take a year.  King David died–970 B.C.:  seems plausible.  Yes, you notice the diminishing precision.

Being a clergyman (an archbishop, no less) Ussher regarded the Bible as an infallible historical work.   So his chronological interpolation would extend to the beginning of history, and I do mean “The Beginning.”  If you take the Bible literally, then Ussher’s calculation cannot be faulted.  The universe was created in 4004 B.C.  But that is a matter of faith rather than history.

Unfortunately, Archbishop Ussher is best remembered for his worst assertion, not his genuine and lasting contributions to scholarship.  But history isn’t supposed to be fair–just accurate.

Client Fulfillment Consultant

 

Description

Responsible for independently acting as the primary interface with the client to establish all connectivity between organizations. Organizes all internal and external project related activities to ensure a timely and smooth client implementation process. Exercises judgment and discretion with respect to client relations and problem resolutions. Must be a team player, take end-to-end ownership, and drive for results to grow the business, sustain intensity and optimism while focusing on the client.

But what if the client’s idea of fulfillment would be coherent English?  Imagine if Aladdin had rubbed that magic lamp and a MBA had appeared.  “You have authorizational capabilities, within tertiary perimeters, to accumulatize your specificities.  Pre-tax status.”

Worse, what if traditional client fulfillment services–brothels–started operating like MBA programs.  A tired businessman or senator simply wants a woman dressed like BoPeep to spank him.  Instead, he is forced to read aloud the Eurodollar trades from the Wall Street Journal.  Yes, MBAs could even ruin masochism.

New Year’s Resolutions

I promise to always wear a helmet when I am riding with Hell’s Angels.

When encountering someone named Justin, I will try to refrain from a lecture on the Byzantine Empire.  (This resolution also applies to anyone named Zoe, Theodora and Nicephorus.)

I will try not to scream at the television whenever I see Ben Stein shamelessly shilling some product.  After all, someone must think that he is adorable–other than himself.

That is about it.  Otherwise, I really am quite content with my stagnant quo and I hope that we will continue our sado-masochistic (but intelligible) relationship in 2011.

Happy New Year!

p.s.  Of course, I have to question the specific year:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/12/31/happy-conspiratorial-new-year-3/

Spam of the Day

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You will be disappointed to know that this masterpiece was not from a porn site.  You will be horrified to know that it was from a medical supply company.  I would not want to buy a bed pan from this person, but this “fan” may be the source of my multi-vitamins or any of my annual medical tests.  Suddenly Christian Science seems like an excellent idea.

The Twelve Answers to My Christmas Quiz

1. Bethlehem is “house of bread” (answer c). If this was intended to be a franchise, it didn’t work.

2. Nicholas managed to be both a saint and a bureaucrat (answer b). In fact, Nicholas was a bishop, which is a bureaucratic job in itself. Furthermore, bishops in the late Roman Empire were part of the civil service, handling the judicial and supervisory responsibilities of their dioceses. The emperor tended to trust the clergy more than his relatives.

3. There would be no office Christmas parties under Oliver Cromwell (answer b). He outlawed the celebration of Christmas: It smacketh of Popery! Nonetheless, it is fun to imagine John Milton (Cromwell’s PR flack) getting drunk and poetically propositioning Mrs. Cromwell.

4. The answer is d: three sons. Don’t worry; Herod still had four sons to spare. He also executed one wife and one son-in-law. None of his daughters were so honored. To his credit, Herod never executed any of his grandchildren.

5. Magi were priests of the Zoroasterian religion, the dominant faith of the Parthian Empire (answer a). Peloponnesia (southern Greece)  Phoenicia (alias Lebanon) and Phrygia (central Turkey) were Roman provinces, and their versions of wise men would have been Hellenized sophists.

6. Prince Albert (answer d), the German-born husband of Queen Victoria, introduced the tannenbaum to England. He also may have introduced both intelligence and hemophilia into the Royal Family. The hemophilia made more of an impression.

7. The Pompeii REIT (answer b) would have been a good investment until AD 79. Being Augustus’ heir would be a terrible bet. All of his heirs had mysterious accidents or succumbed to surprise diseases. The Janus Theology Fund didn’t turn a profit until the fourth century, when a small-cap religion known as Christianity got Emperor Constantine’s celebrity endorsement. While philosophy was the first artificial intelligence, Microsophist would have been too ahead of its time.

8. Unfortunately, the answer is b. Berlin’s first memories were of the Cossacks’ version of “The Easter Parade.” Encouraged by the anti-Semitic policies of Czar Alexander III, the vicious mob could have been called “Alexander’s Rage Time Band.”

9. Would you try growing cotton in December? Neither would Sally Field’s character in Places in the Heart (answer a). In The Lion in Winter, the Plantagenets gather to celebrate Christmas and kill each other. In The French Connection, one of Gene Hackman’s transparent guises was as a street-corner Santa. Between planning escapes and beating up William Holden, the prisoners of Stalag 17 celebrated Christmas.

10. Alexandria (answer d) was the think tank of the Roman world. Its scientists developed the Julian calendar and correctly calculated the Earth’s circumference. One of them, Hieron, invented the first jet engine; however, he had no idea how to use it. Alexandria’s scientific community also successfully promoted a chronological concept called the “week.” The seven-day period once had been dismissed as just another Jewish idiosyncrasy. But when Alexandria adopted the idea, everyone loved it.

11. The Oracle of Delphi (answer c) offered incomprehensible utterances and was worshipped for them. Mr. Greenspan’s unique style of rhetoric would have hindered his career as a messiah. Imagine his version of the Golden Rule: “A proactive behavioralistic mode should be vectored to an optimalized spectrum with expectational reciprocity.”

12. The leaders of the rebellion hated to give up power (answer d). Unfortunately, the Maccabees were better soldiers than kings. The history of the dynasty is a sorry series of conspiracies and civil wars. Maccabee rule and Jewish independence ended in 63 B.C. when two princes were fighting over the throne. Each unable to eliminate the other, the brothers asked Rome to judge who should rule Judea. The Romans accepted the invitation, marched in, and didn’t leave.

Scoring Key

Now add up your correct answers and find your place in the Nativity.

12 correct: The center of attention
10-11: Star of Bethlehem
8-9: Host of angels
6-7: Wise men
4-5: Kindly shepherds (bewildered by Latin-singing angels)
2-3: Kindly sheep
1: Innkeeper

On this day in 1776, George Washington proved himself to be an immoral secular humanist by ruining a British Christmas party. While the Hessian garrison in Trenton, New Jersey was celebrating the birth of Jesus by compressing the 12 days of Christmas into one hangover, the sacrilegious Continental army crossed the Delaware River and attacked. We all know the painting of that Freemason Washington standing in a boat as his men rowed to battle. Of course, truly devout Americans would have walked upon the water.

Yes, the Americans won that day, but the Continental Congress should have disavowed such godless cheating. Why wasn’t George Washington court-martialed for his impiety? In fact, as an apology to Jesus, we should have called the Revolution off.

Boxing Day

This day celebrates the invention of production placement when Arena Sports Productions gave the infant Jesus a pair of authentic Spartacus boxing gloves.  There were tentative plans to arrange a fight between Jesus and the future emperor Claudius.  However, some doubted whether the palsied, stammering Roman would be a fit match for a carpentry major at Nazareth Community College.  It was hoped that Jesus would cure Claudius before beating him up.

As you know, however, that fight never happened.  The first real Boxing Day bout occurred between St. Stephen the King of Hungary and St. Stephen the Very Tactless over whose feast day this was.  Since this was prior to the Marquess of Queensbury rules, Tactless Steve and Paprika Breath fought it out with poison tipped crosiers.     (Fight available on pay-per-view.)  And it was a split decision.

(So, do I have a career with Wikipedia?)