Posts Tagged ‘pollution’

Citius, Altius, Filthiest

Posted in General on July 7th, 2008 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment

Although the United States does not have an official village idiot, this country will protest China’s human rights abuses by sending President Bush to the Beijing Olympics. A State Department spokesman explained, “We are going to let the President be himself.” Mr. Bush’s itinerary will include using Ming vases as bowling pins, betting reporters who can urinate the farthest standing on the Great Wall, and greeting the Chinese officials with “No tickee, no washee.”

President Bush may go unnoticed, however, because no one will see him through the Beijing smog. China had attempted to improve its catastrophic environment in time for the Olympics. To lower the city’s 140% carbon dioxide levels, the government encouraged the population to breathe less. Known hiccuppers were arrested. Beijing hoped at least to improve ecological appearances by adding blue dye to the air. The finance ministry, however, realized the potential for product placement of the carbon dioxide-saturated atmosphere. Chinese posters now advertise “The effervescent air of Beijing–It’s Like Breathing Coca Cola.”

Fearing the environmental hazards of Beijing, many of the Olympic teams have suggested moving to a safer locale–such as Bhopal, India. Acknowledging those concerns, the International Committee is making several adjustments to the games. Medals can be awarded posthumously. All athletes will be allowed to compete in hazmat suits. In this year’s decathlon, the goal is to complete any one of the ten events. And swim teams are encouraged to provide their own water.