Oprah Gets Swiss Apology for Being Treated Like A Tourist

With Switzerland’s existence in peril, a representative of the Tourist Board begged to explain why a sales clerk would be rude to Ms. Winfrey.  “You must understand.  Geneva is really French, and they are rude to everyone.  That would not have happened in Zurich.  We never question anyone here.  Ask Martin Bormann.  The old gentleman still pays his chalet mortgage in gold teeth.”

For an apology, the Swiss only have tax evasion and renamed mountains to offer the indignant Ms. Winfrey.  She apparently has no interest in Roger Federer.   Perhaps its blandness may spare the country the fate of France.  The curriculum of West Point now includes a course on Oprah’s tactics.   As you may recall, the Paris manager of Hermes refused to let Oprah in after the store had closed. Oprah then announced her intention to destroy France.

France immediately capitulated. Le President  groveled, “Heroic resistance to a demanding barbarian is completely out of French character. We will gladly change Hermes’ store hours to collaborate with Ms. Winfrey.”

In related atonement, the French government offered to move the Eiffel Tower to suit Oprah’s feng shui. Complying with her demand, Napoleon’s Tomb was opened so that she could “give the little fellow a hug.” Oprah, however, was disappointed with the accommodations of Notre Dame. The baptismal font was too small for a bath and Oprah did not like the scent of the candles.  In its repentance, the Church announced that Notre Dame referred to Oprah.  That pleased her.

Ms. Winfrey has offered Switzerland “a teaching moment.”  Her invitation to fly the entire Swiss population to Chicago is hoped to be a friendly gesture. 

Oprah’s Last Show

Some 500 motorists on Michigan Avenue were surprised this morning to have their cars confiscated, although most were delighted once told that their vehicles would be melted down to create a giant bust of Oprah.  Once completed, the masterpiece will be planted on the top of the Sears/Willis Tower.  The art critic who thought that the work would look like a giant Pez dispenser is now believed to be in the molten metal, but Oprah forgave him first.

And from the archives…

“OPRAH OPENS SCHOOL IN SOUTH AFRICA”

Following the precepts of its founder, patroness and deity, the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy offers a curriculum based on Oprah’s adaptation of the Socratic method. The instructor-known as the Oprahator– presents profound and probing questions, and then hugs the students–breaking their ribs. Preoccupied with their pain and trying to breathe, the students can’t get a word in edgewise.

The curriculum of West Point now includes a course on Oprah’s tactics, despite their obvious violation of the Geneva Convention. Of special interest to military historians was Oprah’s conquest of France. (Even the Germans are envious.) As you recall, the manager of Hermes refused to let Oprah in after the store had closed. Oprah then announced her intention to destroy France.

France immediately capitulated. Le President Chirac grovelled, “Heroic resistance to a demanding barbarian is completely out of French character. We will gladly change Hermes’ store hours to collaborate with Ms. Winfrey. We did the same for Hermann Goering, who by the way wore the same dress size as Oprah.”

In related atonement, the French government offered to move the Eiffel Tower to suit Oprah’s feng shui. France then gave Oprah carte blanche. Complying with her demand Napoleon’s Tomb was opened, so that she could give a little fellow a hug. Oprah, however, was disappointed with the accommodations of Notre Dame. The baptism font was too small for a bath and Oprah did not like the scent of the candles.

Hoping to make amends, the Catholic Church arranged to have Jesus as a guest on Oprah’s show….

Oprah: We have so much in common.
Jesus: Yes….
Oprah: I just love your Beatitudes. Let’s hear them.
Jesus: Blessed are the meek….
Oprah: Thank you. I bless you, too. Have you ever tried bathing with scented candles?
Jesus: No. The candles would keep slipping into the Jordan River.
Oprah: I understand you had issues with your father. We’ve all been there. If you feel like crying, I’ll hug you.
Jesus: Well….
Oprah: How many people heard your Sermon on the Mount?
Jesus: 300?
Oprah: Honey, I’ve got that twice that many TV stations. Did you like me better in “The Color Purple” or “Beloved”?