Why I Became a Christian Scientist
Posted in General on August 20th, 2009 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to commentI just endured a series of sadistic trials called a check-up. The aforementioned check could subsidize a trophy wife for the doctor or at least make a down-payment for his offspring’s semester at an Ivy League school. (Yes, my health care reform would limit the practice of medicine to eunuchs or monks; if that was good enough for Charlemagne, it’s good enough for you!)
The doctor wondered if I might have a case of lactose intolerance. It apparently is the latest rage among middle-aged Jews, and the doctor didn’t want me to miss out on the fad. Indeed, being lactose tolerant on the North Shore could label me as a pariah. An aging SDT could run me over with her BMW, and no jury here would convict her. I might even be billed for the cost of her interrupted cellphone call.
I explained to the doctor that I am lactose indulgent. I consume a pint of ice cream a day. I have done more for Wisconsin than Robert La Follette has lately. The doctor suggested that I forego dairy products for two weeks; I told him that period of abstinence would put me on a suicide watch.
Of course, Karen realizes that I am serious. She also knows that it would take me about 25 years to finish the suicide note. As in all my writing assignments, I do tend to wait to the last minute.
So, you all have ample time to buy your copies of “My Calendar of Irony” and “Theodora” as well as send a sympathy note to Karen. (Unless you want to console her for her taste in husbands–in that case, federal express it.)
p.s. Let’s not forget the historic significance of this day: https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2008/08/20/on-this-day-in-636/