Posts Tagged ‘Frederick the Great’

Prussian Wit Is Not Always an Oxymoron

Posted in On This Day on January 24th, 2009 by Eugene Finerman – 7 Comments

Today is the birthday of Frederick the Great! Genius is rare in royalty; in Prussian royalty it is extraordinary. Frederick was unique: imagine Oscar Wilde with an army. The politics of 18th century was based upon whom his scathing wit had offended. France and Austria had been enemies for 250 years. Frederick brought them together. He had ridiculed Madame de Pompadour, the mistress of Louis XV, for being an overreaching strumpet. Lest you think that Frederick was a self-righteous prig, he taunted the respectable Maria Theresa for her piety and fertility. Austrian empresses do not enjoy being described as broodmares. (Frederick had no empathy with heterosexual activities.) The strumpet and the broodmare overcame their incongruity and formed an alliance. This coalition was joined by Russia; theTsarina Elisabeth had not appreciated Frederick’s quips about her girth.

France, Austria and Russia planned the Seven Years War to be a going-away party for Frederick. Here is my dramatization of that conflict….

FinermanWorks presents: The Seven Years War

based on a farce performed on Frederick the Great

with

Frederick the Great, by his own assessment.

George II, a very German King of England. He is Frederick’s uncle but nothing like him.

Madame de Pompadour, mistress of Louis XV and the real ruler of France

Maria Therese, a nice conservative hausfrau–whose haus happens to be the Austrian Empire

Tsarina Elisabeth, the daughter of Peter the Great. She inherited his realm and his size.

Peter III, Elisabeth’s very strange great-nephew and successor.

George III, a king of England who finally sounds like one.

(George II and his nephew Frederick are walking down a street.)

Frederick: You actually like Handel? I knew England would ruin your appetite but your hearing too? Still I suppose I would trade places with you. You have non idee how much I hate the sound of German.

George II: But that’s wat ve sprech un London.  Ja, Parlamunt ist un Anglische; but I nod to vatever.  It werks.

Frederick: You may be spoiling them.

(The men are suddenly confronted by Tsarina Elisabeth, Empress Maria Therese of Austria and Madame de Pompadour.)

Frederick: Are you three planning to proclaim my uncle the King of Scotland? He already is.

Pompadour: I am sure that you would rather be Queen of France.

Frederick: At least, Madame Fishmonger, with me at Versailles someone could think in French as well as speak it.  You reflect only in the Hall of Mirrors.

Elisabeth: You are a mean little man.

Frederick: Certainly half your size.

Maria Therese: You are a sacrilegious swine.

Frederick: You confuse my contempt for you with sacrilege. There is a considerable difference. Actually, I rather appreciate your piety and take full advantage of it. “The Austrian army’s idea of military manuevers is to attend mass.” (Actual quote by Frederick)

Pompadour: Let’s see if my nails are as sharp as your tongue.

(She lashes out at Frederick; Elisabeth and Maria Therese join in the assault. George steps aside, keeping a respectful distance from Elisabeth and while making polite overtures to Maria Therese.

George II: How are der children? You are looking vell. I can’t help reminiscing about our old alliance against France.

(However, George does periodically lunge against Pompadour, slugging her in the back, grabbing her Indian jewelry, Canadian furs and purse. While Frederick is trying to fend off the assault, his uncle hands him some of Pompadour’s cash.)

George: Keep up der gut fight.

(Then Elisabeth manages to smash Frederick in the head, nearly knocking him out. However, the exertion also kills her. She is succeeded by her great nephew Peter III who has a big surprise.)

Peter: Oh, Frederick, what are those bitches doing to you! I’m switching sides.

George II: Excuse me, I have enjoyed dis immensely but I now must act mein age und die.

George III: I say, what, what. Jolly good war but I think that we should say cheerio.

Frederick: Frau Hapsburg, you’ve no more Russian army and I’ve no more English money. Shall we end this war?

Maria Therese: We’ll call it a draw.

Frederick: Since I am still breathing, I’d call it a victory.

Beat Your Children Well

Posted in On This Day on August 14th, 2008 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment

Today would be his 320th birthday, but Frederick William I would not want you to waste on a cake and candles. Just goosestep 320 times and that might suffice the Prussian king.

If you were a Prussian taxpayer, you might appreciate having a cheap king: no lavish court, no extravagant palaces, no wasteful bureaucracy. Frederick William was so equitably parsimonious that he even taxed himself. Of course, a king still has to maintain some appearances; but for a Prussian king, those appearances can be limited to the army. Even there, Frederick William could be stinting: no unnecessary wars! Prussia did not need any more territory, and glory was a frivolous expenditure.

Yes, Frederick William was an excellent king. You also would want to avoid him: the man was a horrible brute. He had no compunctions about caning the servants in the face. But he was equitable here, too–doing the same to his family. His favorite target–or greatest disappointment–was his eldest son Frederick. The prince was intellectual and “artistic.” Of course, Frederick William knew how to cure his son’s sensitivity.

The Prince would be punished for any signs of weakness. If the child fell off his horse or wore gloves in cold weather, he would receive an invigorating, manly beating. The prince knew how to survive and learned the family business–soldiering–but he dreamed of escape. His uncle George in Britain had a good job and a decent nature; perhaps he would give his battered nephew sanctuary. The 18 year-old attempted to escape–along with a “special friend”–but the two were captured. Frederick William charged them with treason–although Prussia was allied to Britain (and George II was both his first cousin and brother-in-law). The King ordered his son to be court-martialed; however the very methodical, compunctional and cost-effective Prussian bureaucracy explained that it lacked the jurisdiction to try crown princes. No doubt some hapless bureaucrat got caned in the face, but Frederick William did defer to his own laws.

The special friend did not have any royal immunity. He was beheaded, and Prince Frederick was forced to watch. The Prince spent several months in solitary confinement, but eventually was allowed out on a work-release program. Frederick was assigned duties in the auditing office of the department of agriculture. After a year’s rehabilitation, Frederick was permitted again at court. The apparently dutiful Prince was willing to oblige one of Dad’s demands for manliness; Frederick agreed to get married. The luckless bride, just another German duchess, never expected to marry for love; but she would not even get the physical facsimile of it. Even Frederick William never tried to coerce the marriage’s consummation. (Oh well, he had other sons who weren’t artistic.)

The Prince just bided his time, and that time came in 1740. King Frederick intended to be the opposite of his father. He provoked wars–which he at least had the talent to win. He created an intellectual court where he insisted that French be spoken. (Frederick hated the sound of German.)

And guess which of the two–Frederick William or Frederick–does history bestow the accolade of “The Great”.

However, Frederick the Great was personally very cheap. Some things can be taught.

Prussian Wit is Not Always an Oxymoron

Posted in General, On This Day on January 24th, 2007 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment

Today is the birthday of Frederick the Great! Genius is rare in royalty; in Prussian royalty it is extraordinary. Frederick was unique: imagine Oscar Wilde with an army. The politics of 18th century was based upon whom his scathing wit had offended. France and Austria had been enemies for 250 years. Frederick brought them together. He had ridiculed Madame de Pompadour, the mistress of Louis XV, for being an overreaching strumpet. Lest you think that Frederick was a self-righteous prig, he taunted the respectable Maria Theresa for her piety and fertility. Austrian empresses do not enjoy being described as broodmares. (Frederick had no empathy with heterosexual activities.) The strumpet and the broodmare overcame their incongruity and formed an alliance. This coalition was joined by Russia; theTsarina Elisabeth had not appreciated Frederick’s quips about her girth.

France, Austria and Russia planned the Seven Years War to be a going-away party for Frederick. Here is my dramatization of that conflict….

FinermanWorks presents: The Seven Years War

based on a farce performed on Frederick the Great

with

Frederick the Great, by his own assessment.

George II, a very German King of England. He is Frederick’s uncle but nothing like him.

Madame de Pompadour, mistress of Louis XV and the real ruler of France

Maria Therese, a nice conservative hausfrau–whose haus happens to the Austrian Empire

Tsarina Elisabeth, the daughter of Peter the Great. She inherited his realm and his size.

Peter III, Elisabeth’s very strange great-nephew and successor

George III, a king of England who finally sounds like one.

(George II and his nephew Frederick are walking down a street.)

Frederick: You actually like Handel? I knew England would ruin your appetite but your hearing too? Still I suppose I would trade places with you. You have non idee how much I hate the sound of German.

George II: You like der army.

Frederick: Well, I do like young men goosestepping.

(The men are suddenly confronted by Tsarina Elisabeth, Empress Maria Therese of Austria and Madame de Pompadour.)

Frederick: Are you three planning to proclaim my uncle the King of Scotland? He already is.

Pompadour: I am sure that you would rather be Queen of France.

Frederick: At least, Madame Fishmonger, with me Versailles would have something brighter than a Hall of Mirrors.

Elisabeth: You are a mean little man.

Frederick: Certainly half your size.

Maria Therese: You are a sacrilegious swine.

Frederick: You confuse my contempt for you with sacrilege. There is a considerable difference. Actually, I rather appreciate your piety and take full advantage of it. “The Austrian army’s idea of military manuevers is to attend mass.” (Actual quote by Frederick)

Pompadour: Let’s see if my nails are as sharp as your tongue.

(She lashes out at Frederick; Elisabeth and Maria Therese join in the assault. George steps aside, keeping a respectful distance from Elisabeth and while making polite overtures to Maria Therese.

George II: How are der children? You are looking vell. I can’t help reminiscing about our old alliance against France.

(However, George does periodically lunge against Pompadour, slugging her in the back, grabbing her jewelry and purse. While Frederick is trying to fend off the assault, his uncle hands him some of Pompadour’s cash.)

George: Keep up der gut fight.

(Then Elisabeth manages to smash Frederick in the head, nearly knocking him out. However, the exertion also kills her. She is succeeded by her great nephew Peter III who has a big surprise.)

Peter: Oh, Frederick, what are those bitches doing to you! I’m switching sides.

Pompadour: That’s an understatement.

George II: Excuse me, I have enjoyed dis immensely but I now must act mein age und die.

George III: I say, what, what. Jolly good war but I think that we should say cheerio.

Frederick: After 46 years of ruling Britain, someone in the royal family finally learned English. Shall we end this war?

Maria Therese: We’ll call it a draw.

Frederick: Since I am still breathing, I’d call it a victory.