Posts Tagged ‘February 18’

Modern Psychology

Posted in General on February 18th, 2010 by Eugene Finerman – 2 Comments

“A lack of empathy, little ability to form friendships, one-sided conversation, intense absorption in a special interest, and clumsy movements.”

This is the description of Asperger’s Syndrome. It also is the college application for the University of Chicago.

Today we observe the birth of Dr. Hans Asperger who discovered a clinical reason for being obnoxious. We don’t know if the doctor himself had the syndrome. The birth certificate from 1906 does not indicate that the infant was unusually overbearing, belittling the aesthetics of his mother’s birth canal or the inferior education of the midwife. However, his high school yearbook did declare him “Man Most Likely To Be Wedgied.”

Fortunately, because of Dr. Asperger, we now have a better understanding of the chronically unbearable. When you find yourself confronted by an aggressively obnoxious individual–and you are not at a car dealership–you should respond by knocking out the buffoon. Then search his or her pockets to diagnose the nature of the psychosis. If you find the unconscious has a Nobel Prize in Economics or a large collection of used dental floss, then the diagnosis is Asperger’s Syndrome. Try to be sympathetic. If, however, the unconscious has a copy of an Ayn Rand novel, a regimen of sympathy is not recommended or even possible. In fact, feel free to hit him again.