Posts Tagged ‘Auntie Christ’

The Auntie Christ

Posted in General on April 22nd, 2011 by Eugene Finerman – Be the first to comment


Obama the Anti-Christ? Maybe in New Jersey

New Jerseyans are apparently having a difficult time figuring out whether the president is the devil or not, the Washington Independent reports. To be sure, a Public Policy Polling questionnaire has 79% of respondents responding “No” to the question “Do you think Barack Obama is the Anti-Christ?” Among “conservative” voters, 18% are sure of it, while 17% are undecided.

Of course, Barack Obama is not the Auntie Christ. How could anyone possibly mistake him for a 2,000 year-old-Jewish woman?

The Auntie Christ actually would be Marla, the older sister of the Virgin Mary. As Mary consoled her Son on the cross, “Believe me, living with Marla is worse.” Marla was the terror of Galilee; no one else had decent taste in togas or a palatable recipe for brisket. Worse, once she bullied her way into being the Chairlady of the Temple Sisterhood, Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur had to be scheduled at times convenient for her. (She had season tickets for the Caesarea Repertory Theater and belonged to a Mahjong club.) Never known as the Virgin Marla, for a year or so she dated Herod the Great. Archaelogists attribute to her influence the more garish bathrooms at Masada.

Nothing Mary ever did was good enough for her domineering sister. When told that Mary was with child from the Holy Spirit, Marla said “A Greek God would be better looking.” Indignant at the prospect of an unwed mother in “her” family, Marla threatened to sue God for palimony. A settlement was reached; Mary received a complimentary husband and Marla was promised (God’s word of honor) that all of her descendants would get into the best colleges.

Marla was just as brutal an aunt as she was a sister. When Jesus turned the water into wine, guess who complained about the glassware? Upon seeing Lazarus raised from the dead, Marla chided her nephew, “If you had been a doctor, maybe he wouldn’t have died in the first place.”

Naturally, the writers of the Gospels remembered Aunt Marla as the incarnation of evil. And if her presence heralds the end of the world, who among us fits the description of an ancient, terrifying yenta? It must be Joan Rivers.