Bob: Hello, I know that you can’t see us but this is Bob Costas, with Matt Lauer, here for the opening ceremonies of the 22nd Winter Olympics. We hope to have electricity some time tonight. Apparently, we didn’t bribe the right people. In the meantime, Matt and I will be sharing this flashlight.
Matt: Thank you, Bob. Did you know that Russia is the largest country in the world?
Bob: Yes, I finished fourth grade. Would you also like to make an inane remark that Sochi sounds like the name of a Japanese restaurant?
Matt: You noticed that, too. And also, don’t you think that the Black Sea should be in Africa instead of here, and the Red Sea should be here?
Bob: Actually, I am not sure that anyone should be here. In theory, forty-four nations will be participating in the Opening Ceremonies. Most of the delegations, however, are afraid to leave their hotels. Yes, they risk cholera but it is nothing compared to what waits them on the streets here. The teams will still be represented, however, as they currently are being arrested.
Matt: Among the arrested notables is our own Billie Jean King. She is charged with being a gay terrorist.
Bob: Was she whistling “The 1812 Overture” with sarcastic intent?
Matt: Did you know that Tschaikovsky wrote that music as a wedding gift for James and Dolley Madison?
Bob: Yes, the image of a few hundred Canadians and Americans shooting at each other across Niagara Falls certainly impressed the Russians. Tolstoy wrote about it, too. Matt, hand me your notes. Okay, “The Brothers Karamazov” and “The Three Sisters” are not the Russian equivalent of “The Brady Bunch.” Sputnik is not the Russian word for potato–and I have warned you about stiffing your staff on Christmas bonuses. Underpaid Ivy Leaguers are dangerous.
Matt: They get free tee-shirts from the network’s cancelled shows. I save those snotty brats a fortune in underwear.
Bob: Now it is time for the Olympic torch. This will be memorable as the Russians are setting afire the uncompleted part of the stadium. At least, we finally will have some light.
Matt: Our audience now can share the spectacle with us.
Bob: No, Matt, I was looking for the exit.