Five Medieval Relics Vying for One Throne
Why, after all these years, am I so eager to be back on Jeopardy! Do you see Sally Field begging for another chance to play “The Flying Nun”? Well, has anyone offered her the role? You don’t think that Sister Bertille would want to teach comparative religions at Hogwarts?
Jeopardy is enticing me with a chance to appear in the Tournament of the Decayed. Unfortunately, I have to defeat four other people to do so; two of them are friends. No doubt, they are just as rueful about my demise. I am comforted that Leah Greenwald would put my head on a nice stake. Teak, perhaps–with a marzipan crown on my skull.
So have I committed myself to betrayal and destruction, just to answer Alex’s clues on medieval history? You betcha! Am I willing to risk my self-respect and soul for intellectual vanity? No, I am doing it for the bribes. There is a fortune to be made in product placement.
Let me tell you what my agent has already arranged. I would appear on the show with a Speedzilla yarmulke and a Tiffany’s nose ring. We are still negotiating with Wendy’s about the tie. I also am to feign a lisp and mutter, “If only I had used ‘Polygrip.’”
Unfortunately, I cannot tell you what Roger Ailes just offered me. However, I can say what he offered the other contestants. Perhaps, hypothetically, Fox News and Goldman Sachs might hate a Jeopardy contestant who is the Director of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. I believe the word bounty was used. Maybe, $50,000 for defeating him, $100,000 for reducing him to tears. Perhaps something seven figures if he tries hanging himself with the buzzer cord.
Of course, I had tell the producer about this plot. She naturally was horrified and is deciding whether it would be good for the ratings. Welcome to the Gameshow of Thrones.
And since I am still breathing, I must still be in the running. And I need your votes!
The voting period continues until October 7th, 7 a.m. Hollywood time. And you can vote each day, at three different sites, and vote at each site. (I will take Byzantine Rules for $2000, Alex.) Yes, you can legally vote three times a day.
http://www.Facebook.com/Jeopardy to vote for your favorite relic via the Fan Favorites Voting Tab. Fans can choose their Fan Favorite (still ME!) from the pool of five nominees and click “Vote Now!”
Registered Twitter users can vote for me via http://www.Twitter.com simply by tweeting in the following format:
Eugene #JeopardyVote (Remember to leave a space between Eugene and #)
Just one tweet per day during the voting period will be counted.
Please vote and keep voting!
Thank you, Your Aspiring Marketing Mannequin