A rather significant birthday approaches, and I face the prospect of being 20 for the third time.  It is daunting to realize that I have outlived Henry VIII.  At least I am still younger than William Frawley was on “I Love Lucy.”

However I just received a wonderful consolation from my friend–and fellow Jeopardy relic–Leah Greenwald.  She knows my love of both Byzantine history and marzipan, and so she crafted this masterpiece: an iconfection of the Empress Theodora.

Here is the birthday geezer with his marzipan pinup. 

If you are not familiar with Theodora, allow me to introduce her.

http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2007/02/05/the-first-draft/

Yes, I am reluctant to eat this wonderful iconfection.  But at Leah’s urging, I will commit this act of trampsubstantiation.

So you can see that my birthday–this Saturday–is off to a delightful start. 

Romney Encourages Rivals to Fold

Dear Newton,

Well, this certainly been a nifty competition.  It reminds me of my wild times at Harvard Business, and those all-night Risk games.  Being MBAs, we developed a more sophisticated version–with navies and sweatshops.   But you and I have gotten to a point in this game where I command all the countries, and Sheldon Adelson can’t buy you any new continents.  

So, let’s discuss your severance package.  If you quit now AND endorse me, I promise you that moon colony.  Yes, I will name it for you, and give you complete control.  But building that colony–and first getting the money from the Chinese–will take the better part of two terms.  So, what can I offer you in the meantime?  You know my daughters-in-law and nieces are younger than Callista.

Yours (if you are practical),

Mitt

————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Richard,

 Well, this certainly has been a nifty competition.  And now I think that you should give up this election for Lent.  It is what Jesus would want.  (Yes, we posthumously converted him, too.)  If you quit and endorse me, I would love to have you as my Attorney General. Or Grand Inquisitor.  We can change the job title.   Of course, we will have to agree beforehand on the definition of heresy.  Please, not all college graduates; maybe just the liberal arts majors.  (I am little more pro-science than you are.)

Besides, Grand Inquisitor is just a temp job for you.  Benedict XVI is not going to live forever.  I can promise that Bain Capital would be very happy to support you in that election.  The firm would be fine with some Raphaels and Michelangelos, and maybe a few cathedrals converted into condos; we already have the buyers in China. 

It is win-win.  Me in this world, and you in the next.

Mitt

The following story is true.  One name has been changed to protect the guilty, although I don’t know why I am bothering.  I would win the libel suit.

The proud parents insisted on showing me their son’s business card.  It identified him as a financial analyst at a firm called “Tradere.”  The card also offered a lesson in Latin.  “Tradere means trader!”  I probably was expected to be impressed; courtesy at least required a simpering smile.  However, my response was “That’s wrong.”

I explained to the stunned parents that the Latin word for trade is “mercari.”  It is the root and etymological ancestor of such words as merchant, market and mercenary.  It even provided the Romans with the name of a God:  Fleet-footed and sleight-of-hand, Mercury was the patron of traders…and thieves.

The father, having accumulated a flotsam of facts in his doctoral studies, grudgingly agreed with my translation.  But his wife, in the fiercest tradition of the Jewish mother insisted “But it says so on the business card!”  Her son’s card had to be infallible.  What was the basis of the word “trader”?  This linguistic dispute occurred in my home, so I was only a few steps away from my office–with its shelves of reference works.  After a few minute absence, during which I was probably subjected to maternal wrath, I returned with the answers.

Our word “trade” is derived from the Angle-Saxon “trada” which means “tread.”  The nature of honest labor has its element of drudgery, and the working conditions of the Dark Ages further dampened the soul.  Ready for today’s 12 hours of serfdom!  You would more likely tread than skip to your labors.  Over time–nine centuries of the Middle Ages–the plodding, weary resignation became synonymous with work itself.  Some vocations involved the exchange of goods, and the noun evolved into the verb “trade.”  That is the etymology of the word, and Latin had nothing to do with it.

But I could offer this solace: ”tradere” really is a Latin word.  As any Roman or Jesuit could tell you, it means to betray.  “Tradere” is the ancestor of our words traitor and treason.  Given the history of financial firms, the company’s name might be accurate but unwise to advertise.  Yet, checking their website the following day, I saw the proclamation means ”Tradere means trader!”  Several months later, I revisited the website.  The company had not changed its name but now had a more modest assertion:  “Tradere loosely translate to trader.”  Yes, very loosely, in the same way that the word murder loosely translates to “Hello.”  Just the other day, I again visited the website and now saw that Tradere offered no explanation of its name.

As for the young man with the business cards, he now has the reputation in his company of being a classical scholar.

Remind me to blackmail him.

Scarlett Johansson has nabbed the plum role of Janet Leigh  in Fox Searchlight’s “Alfred Hitchcock and the Making of Psycho”, an upcoming biopic that sheds light on the difficulties Hitchcock suffered during the making of the classic horror film. Leigh was, of course, one of the stars of the film – an A-list movie actress who audiences were shocked to see being violently killed off before the halfway mark.  Anthony Hopkins will portray Hitchcock.

In the two hour film, 100 minutes will be about the shower scene.  Hollywood’s plumbers union was remarkably conscientious.  Union local president Gus Guido (played by Jack Black) was very concerned about the water’s temperature and offered to stand with Miss Leigh in the shower stall.  There was political controversy as well.  J. Edgar Hoover feared that the movie would be interpreted as an assault on American Motherhood.  The FBI Director was brought in as a consultant and proved quite useful in advising Anthony Perkins how to dress like one’s mother.  Mr. Hoover will be played by Rosie O’Donnell.

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic significance of this day:  http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2011/03/03/bulgarian-rhapsody/

AP sources: Israel wouldn’t warn US on Iran strike

There might be some hints, however….

Dear President Obama,

In two weeks, we will be celebrating the bar mitzvah of the Weintraub twins:  Schuyler and Beaumont!  Our party theme will be aircraft carriers in the Persian Gulf.  We would really appreciate it if you could lend us a fleet for each child, and perhaps two more for any out of town guests.  It should be just for that weekend.

You might be concerned that the party will be a bit raucous and the neighbors might complain.  On the contrary, the usually cranky Mr. Saud has written us a blank check for the “festivities.”  Yes, he addressed it to the “Zionist Vampires” but there will be no problem cashing it.  Furthermore, he wrote a rather endearing note, “I still want to drive you into the sea but you can use my chauffeured limousine.”

Naturally, we understand if you would like a security deposit.  How about the electoral votes of New York, California and Illinois?

Just leave the carrier keys at the front gate.  Thanks.

Chutzpah Party Planners

Until last week, Girolamo Savonarola was a fairly obscure historical figure.  His identification would be worth a $2000 question on Jeopardy.  Somewhat remembered as a tyrannical fanatic in 15th century Florence, the Dominican friar now has had a revival–if only as a simile.  Rick Santorum has been compared to him.

Which of the two should feel more insulted?

http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/05/23/on-this-day-in-1498-2/

Dead for 32,000 Years, an Arctic Plant Is Revived

New York Times

Living plants have been generated from the fruit of a little arctic flower, the narrow-leafed campion, that died 32,000 years ago, a team of Russian scientists reports. The fruit was stored by an arctic ground squirrel in its burrow on the tundra of northeastern Siberia and lay permanently frozen until excavated by scientists a few years ago.

The scientists will next try this on Mitt Romney, but they are less hopeful.

Rick Santorum: Prenatal testing encourages abortions

Politico

Santorum Demonstrates the Value of Home Schooling

“The idea that the Crusades and the fight of Christendom against Islam is somehow an aggression on our part is absolutely anti-historical,” former Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA) told a South Carolina audience. “And that is what the perception is by the American left who hates Christendom.”

Referring to the “American left,” Santorum observed: “They hate Western civilization at the core. That’s the problem.” Santorum also suggested that American involvement in the Middle East is part of our “core American values.”

Jerusalem, 1099:  While the European crusaders were slaughtering the city’s Moslems, Jews and Greek Orthodox, the American crusaders were distributing Hershey bars.  The chroniclers noted the severed hands clutching the candy and found melted chocolate among the ashes of synagogues and mosques.  But with his winning All-American smile Sir Kilroy gushed, “That Hershey bar makes a great last meal.”

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic significance of this day:  http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2011/02/21/brilliant-plans-1916/

Charlie Chaplin’s real name a mystery says UK spies

Reuters

The real name and birthplace of legendary silent-film star Charlie Chaplin is shrouded in mystery, Britain’s domestic spy agency concluded after a probe into U.S. claims he was a communist sympathizer, documents released on Friday revealed.

British MI5 agents were asked in 1952 to investigate Chaplin’s background by the FBI, which believed he was using an alias and that his real name was Israel Thornstein, over long-running U.S. suspicions about the actor’s left-wing leanings.

Chaplin, one of Hollywood’s first and greatest stars famed for his “Little Tramp” character, believed he was born on April 16, 1889, in south London.

And here was the response from MI5…

Dear Mr. Hoover,

While we share your bewilderment with heterosexuality, we do not always find it subversive.  And it does apparently predate Communism.  But as for your other suspicion, Mr. Chaplin is small, dark and talented.  Indeed, his somewhat recent wife Paulette Goddard is actually Marion Levy.  But she was his third.  If I correctly remember “Oliver Twist”, only the first wife is expected to be Jewish.  So that would preclude Mr. Chaplin from being Mr. Caplan.

But while we are delving into international conspiracies, we would like you to verify our suspicions of the following radicals:  Sam and Jake Abrams, Benjamin Frankel, Gershon Vashinstein, Al “Chaim” Milton and Tevye Cheffershein.

Yours (at discreet bars),

Guy Burgess–not Bergess

Pekingese Malachy Wins Best in Show at Westminster Dog Pageant

Malachy explained–in perfect English–that his celebrity status would have no real effect on his life.  “I will continue the 80-hour-a-week job for Apple while using my free time to earn a PhD from M.I.T.  But I wouldn’t refuse an invitation for Celebrity Jeopardy.”

The champion explained his fluency in four languages.  “Of course, I was born speaking Mandarin.  I subscribe to the New York Times, Le Monde and Asahi Shimbun, and I read each thoroughly before I go on them.”

Family Values Book Project 

(This is an actual ad for writers.)

We have begun working with a politically oriented first-time author who is looking for help telling her unique, only-in-America story.

The client is a black, Orthodox Jewish, single mother who grew up in the Midwest, now splits her time between her home state and New York City, and serves on the Republican National Committee.

Now the client is interested in writing a book that gives a fuller account of her experiences and uses them as a jumping-off point to address a mix of weighty cultural, moral, and racial issues.

The client is seeking a collaborator to first hone a proposal (we are working on lining up an agent for the project) and then develop the full manuscript.

She would prefer to work with someone who shares and can effectively channel her views on the value of faith and family.

I don’t watch “Downton Abbey.”  Yes, I suppose that I am betraying my stereotype:  the history-infatuated, vicariously-social climbing Anglophile.  But bear in mind that I am also monogamous.  Nearly forty years ago, the young Eugene gave his heart and some 50 hours of his Sunday nights to “Upstairs, Downstairs” which basically is the same story of “Downton Abbey”:  a rich portrait of the classes and characters of a household that was a microcosm of early 20th century Britain.  The servants were often worse snobs than the aristocrats.  In the first season, the housemaid Rose bossed around some old gentleman who got in her way.  Fortunately, Edward VII was very good-natured.  This is not suggest that the “Upstairs” class was consistently warm and lovable.  When Lady Majorie died on the Titanic, I was surprised; encountering her, the iceberg should have succumbed to frostbite.  Her son James was a fatuous, callous rake.  One of the tragedies of the Great War was his surviving it.  (Corporal Hitler missed his chance at a good deed.)  Alastair Cooke, the host of Masterpiece Theatre, opined that Captain James might have justified a Bolshevik coup.  Alas, the closest thing to social justice was a blackmailing chauffeur, a charming rogue named Thomas.  Yes, four decades later, I have yet to forgive or forget.

So, what can “Downton Abbey” offer me?  First love only happens once.

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic significance of this day:  http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/02/09/turkey-in-distraught-2/