New Focus on Incendiary Words in Paul’s Newsletters

Kim Jong-il Dead

At such times, I miss Larry King…

Welcome to Larry King Live. My guests tonight are former secretary of state and not bad golfer Colin Powell, former secretary of state and still a looker Madeleine Albright, and classy historian but regular mensch David McCullough.  Our topic tonight:  What is the impact of the death of Kim Novak, and how did a beautiful Chicago Polish girl become dictator of North Korea?  Of course, I am not surprised that she had the atomic bomb.  Did you see the way she danced with William Holden in “Picnic”?

Powell:  “Picnic” was a very good movie, but I think that there is some confusion here.

Larry:  You weren’t suppose to look at white women that way?

McCullough:  Kim Novak is still alive.  It is Kim Jong-Il who is dead.

Larry: So will Alec Baldwin get custody of their child?  Let’s call Alan Dershowitz to find out.  Hello eminent professor and killer lawyer, have you been watching the show?

Dershowitz:  God help me, yes.  Alec Baldwin was married to Kim Basinger. He has never been married to Kim Novak, Kim Stanley, Kim Hunter, Kim Darby, Akim Tamiroff or Kim Jong-il.

Larry:  You know Akim Tamiroff looked sorta Jewish, but I think that he was Armenian.  Madeleine, do you ever confuse the two?

Albright:  No, I try to mistake myself for Episcopalian.  But weren’t we suppose to discuss Korea?

Larry:  Absolutely, and after this break, Paula Deen will join our conversation on the death of Kimchee.

And let’s not forget the pathetic psychological significance of this night:  http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/12/01/my-hanukkah-medley/

So what are my symptoms?  I am eating oatmeal, trying to ferment peat, imagining myself in a tartan and thinking of dyeing my leg hair red.  Yes, I definitely have Scotsophrenia.  But the most obvious and obnoxious manifestation is my singing.  While I do have a good voice, how many times would you want to hear me sing “Wha Wadna Fecht for Charlie?”  My wife should explain that to a grand jury; it probably would spare her a murder indictment.

But there is a method to my monotony.  In the 18th century, songs served as news, editorials and opinion polls.  Yes, even my singing is pedantic.  My Highland medley is a musical history of the Jacobite Rebellion–from its early, exuberant triumphs to its mouldering, embarrassing nostalgia.

In 1745, Prince Charles Stuart landed in Scotland to reclaim the British throne for his ousted dynasty.  “Wha Wadna Fecht for Charlie” reflects the Highlanders’ enthusiasm for the Young Pretender.

Wha wadna’ fecht for Charlie?
Wha wadna’ draw the sword?
Wha wad nae up an’ rally
At the royal Prince’s word?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lK7hLNxCY9E

Ironically, the Bonnie Prince could not have mastered the lyrics himself.  With his French accent, his version would have been “Oo oodno feet fo Charlee.  However, his opponent George II was just as unintelligible, having a German accent.  The War was not a contest of grammar.   But the rival songs of the rebellion would indicate the war’s outcome.  The English were marching to “The British Grenadiers”, a good tune in itself and an indication of an ample supply of gun powder.  The Scots were massacred and the Bonnie Prince wandered the Highlands disguised as a woman before finally escaping to France.

So the next song in my Highland medley is a dirge.  The English were not gracious winners.  Their hangmen were fully employed;  as for the resulting widows and orphans, they found themselves indentured servants in North America.  The Crown attempted to eradicate the Highland culture.  Bagpipes were outlawed, and even the spelling of “Wha Wadna Fecht” would have gotten you six months in prison.  However, the Scots did not blame the Prince who had led them to disaster; on the contrary, they were hoping for his return.

Will ye no’ come back again?  Will ye no’ come back again?                                                                                                                                                             Better lo’ed ye canna be,  Will ye no’ come back again?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=482C-WQsk4o&feature=related

Luckily for the Scots, their incompetent Prince preferred to drink himself to death.  He left no legitimate children and his only sibling was a Catholic cardinal.  So there would be no Stuart heirs for the Jacobite cause.  The Bonnie Prince died in 1782, but a Jacobite resistance continued–even if it amounted only to pointless mayhem.  In 1792, an exasperated Robert Burns told his fellow Scots to grow up and get over it.

Ye Jacobites by name, give an ear, give an ear;
Ye Jacobites by name, give an ear;
Ye Jacobites by name,
Your fautes I will proclaim,
Your doctrines I maun blame–
You shall hear.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1yA6Zu-Ll8&feature=related

Was Burns a traitor to Scotland?  No, he was an exhausted realist, pleading an end to the futility.  His song fittingly ends this history and my Jacobite Bandstand.

My Scotsophrenia, however, continues.  I tried convincing my Hebrew adult education class that Maccabee was a Scottish name.

Imagine if The Three Stooges had been attractive women.  Just substitute Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis and Wynona Ryder for Moe, Larry and Curly and you have the slapstick riot “The Black Swan.”  True, the cream pies were omitted but the eye pokes are even more effective when using broken glass and nail files.  I initially was a bit squeamish at director Darren Aronofsky’s ghoulish fantasies–Portman’s character can’t clip a nail without losing a quart of blood–but I eventually saw the humor in this Hadassah macabre.  (Barbara Hershey evidently had her plastic surgery done by Josef Mengele.)  During the last half hour I was laughing at the alleged drama.  Judd Apatow would have been jealous.

In fact, Apatow and Aronofsky should star as the psychotic halves of “the Jewish man”.  Apatow envisions a world where there are no Jewish women, only gorgeous, lovable shiksas and they all want Seth Rogen.  Aronofsky’s world has only beautiful Jewish women, but they are all demented and evil.  (Do you think that he had a friendly parting with Rachel Weisz?)  Imagine his casting of “The Dick Van Dyke Show”:  Joan Collins as Millie Helper–and she is out to destroy Rob and Laura, and turn Richie into matzoh.

So, what would we call this golem of Apatow and Aronofsky, only with more wit and depth?  How about a young Woody Allen?

State of the Union address scheduled for Jan. 24

 AP
President Barack Obama’s State of the Union address is set for Jan. 24.

As tradition requires, House Speaker John Boehner invited the president to
speak to a joint session of Congress. The White House accepted.

In a letter to the president, Boehner said Republicans “welcome the
opportunity to hear your new ideas for working with Congress.”

Speaker Boehner offered a choice of two times:  3 a.m., when he could promise uninterrupted electricity for the microphone and the lights, or 9 p.m.–with a few conditions.  The 9 p.m. broadcast must have a split-screen simultaneous televising of the Republican response:  Eric Cantor playing selections from “Oklahoma” on his accordion.

Most of the major networks have not yet agreed to televise the President’s address.  ABC has offered to let him have a three minute guest appearance on “Body of Evidence” where he can discuss the state of the union with Dana Delany during an autopsy.  PBS will cover the broadcast if the President mentions the free copy of “Pride and Prejudice” for any subscription renewal.  MSNBC would prefer that Rachel Maddow delivers the speech.  Comedy Central will let “The Daily Show” have five minutes to salvage the adminstration.

As its educational alternative, Fox News will feature Megyn Kelly, Martha MacCallum, Gretchen Carlson and Dano Perino in “William Bennett’s Strip Poker Symposium.”

MITT ROMNEY NAMES FIVE NEW WIVES

In an effort to broaden his appeal to Republican voters, Mitt Romney announced that he was marrying Betsy Ross, Snooki Polizzi, Ann Coulter, Ayn Rand and Nancy Reagan. Only Ms. Coulter has actually accepted. Neither Ms. Ross nor Ms. Rand were available for comment, but Mr. Romney insisted that they had agreed. Ms. Polizzi seems reluctant unless there is an open bar at the Mormon Tabernacle; however, in deference to Mormon beliefs, Snooki would only be allowed to swig from a paperbag during the service. Nancy Reagan refused the Romney proposal, but Mr. Romney assured voters that she would marry him in the next world.

And let’s not forget the historic significance of this week:

December 11:  http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/12/11/edward-viii-becomes-windsor-i/

December 12:  http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2008/12/12/apocalypse-then-december-12-627/

December 15:  http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/12/15/happy-esperanto-day/

December 16:  http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2008/12/16/happy-birthday-professor-santayana/

December 17:  http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2008/12/17/december-17th-happy-incompetence-day/

Donald Trump to Moderate Republican Debate

And here is the likely transcript…

His Profuse Eminence Donald Trump:   According to the rules, all the candidates will have a chance to beg for my endorsement.  But rules were never meant for people like me. Do you think that my time is going to be wasted on Ron Paul and Jon Huntsman?  Maybe Michele Bachmann if she were 15 years younger.  There are only two people I want to hear:  Willard Romney and Newt Gingrich.  All right, boys, start your groveling.

Romney:  You are looking wonderful, Mr. Trump, and so is this very handsome and beautiful audience, and the magnificent American people.  But all of you should know that Newt Gingrich did not wash his hands after using the washroom.

Gingrich:  As you are probably too stupid to know, hygiene is a foreign word–reflecting the depraved values of the Roman Empire.  George Washington and Jesus never took a daily bath, but Caligula and Nero did.  And these Roman monsters are the type of people that Willard would rather smell than hard-working Americans.

Romney:  Cleanliness is next to Godliness.

Gingrich:  Of course, you would be quoting that European socialist, John Wesley.  Can’t you quote any Americans?

Romney:  When I wash my hands, whether I need to or not, I am thinking of the noble and photogenic Americans who made that sink, those faucets, the soap, and the water.  My cleanliness is the miracle of Free Enterprise, and I want to thank everyone of you because I am not sticky like Newt.

Trump:   Okay, boys, now tell me how you would deal with Iran.

Romney:  That is a brilliant question, Mr. Trump, and I am certain that the dazzling businessman like you will appreciate my strategy.  I would buy Iran.  Of course, I would borrow the money from China, using Iran’s oil as collateral.  Since I then will also be President of Iran, I will repeat the same managerial techniques that I used at Bain Capital:  looted assets, massive layoffs, crippling debts.  There won’t be a country left.  Iran may have been conquered by Alexander the Great and Genghis Khan, but they were nothing compared to a Harvard MBA.

Gingrich:  And yet your high-falluting Harvard degrees didn’t win the war in Viet Nam.

Romney:  I was never in Viet Nam…and neither were you.

Gingrich:  But I was here in America, ready to protect this country, when you were a spoiled rich kid vacationing in France.

Romney:  I was doing missionary work there.

Gingrich:  And is France now a Mormon country?  Have the Osmonds headlined at the Follies Bergere?  No, you failed–just as you would in Iran.

Trump:  Newt, your critics think that you are too evil to be President.  What is your response?

Gingrich:  By definition, my critics are imbecile.  Evil is a prerequisite to greatness.  Sociopaths make inspiring leaders.  Think how Hannibal Lecter could administer America’s healthcare.  He would be my first choice for Surgeon General.  Evil shows a creativity and initiative.  It adds charisma to my brilliance.  Who wants Goody-Two-Shoes here?  To quote Disraeli, “He does not have a single redeeming vice.”

Romney:  So you are quoting Disraeli?  Well, he was foreign.

Gingrich:  Are you saying that a Jew can’t be an American?

Romney:  Of course, a Jew can be an American.  Jack Benny was swell, and Irving Berlin and…

Gingrich:  So, you are flip-flopping again.  Now you just love all those New York liberal types.   Can you at least be a consistent bigot?

Romney:  Besides, maybe I didn’t know that Disraeli was Jewish!

Rick Perry:  Come on, Mitt, even I knew that.

Trump:  So, Willard, your critics think you are too nauseating to be President.  Don’t bother to respond.

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic events of this week:

December 4th:  http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/12/04/pyromantic-2/

December 5th:  http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/12/05/finding-a-good-scapegoat-2/

December 6th:  http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/12/06/fool-russians-where-mongols-love-to-tread-2/

December 7th:  http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/12/07/valet-forge-2/

December 9th:  http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/12/09/nobel-lousiest/

December 10th:  http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/12/10/wikileaks-1905/

Judy Lewis, Secret Daughter of Hollywood, Dies at 76

New York Times

The most intriguing spam of the day…

You are receiving this email because we wish you to use our 3D/2D Animated
Movie/TV Series Services.

We are a China based Animated Movie/TV Series
Studio. with the technical,  creative and production capabilities to create a new generation of animated
feature films, merchandise and other related products. Our objective is to
combine proprietary technology and world-class creative talent to develop
computer-animated feature films with memorable characters and heartwarming
stories that appeal to audiences of all ages. We utilize the finest equipment
available in the industry, offer efficient data delivery and unrivaled quality
and work until the client is fully satisfied with the end product.

Core  Offerings
2D Animation
3D Animation
4D Animation

4D Animation!  You know I can’t resist time travel.  So I may no longer be posting here, but look for me in history books and scripture….

Matthew 14:13:  And so the droll and rather handsome Pharisee said unto the Lord, “Fish and loaves are adequate, but you really should serve cream cheese as well.  What is the point of being omnipotent if you are not omniscient?  And how about some gelato afterwards?”

Rome, 1508:  Pope Evgenivs V explained his legalization of gay marriage.  “It was the only way that I could prompt Leonardo to invent refrigeration.  History will thank me when, centuries from now, tourists will be visiting the Sistine Gelateria.”

Washington–April, 1865:  The performance of “Our American Cousin” was interrupted by the assassination of Mary Lincoln.  “Damn,” complained actress Laura Keene, “That got a bigger laugh than the play.”  The culprit seems to have escaped.  In apparently unrelated news, the social event of the year was the ice cream social at the Stantons.

Versailles–1871:  The Prussian Chancellor pledged to unify Germany with “reisling und marzipan.”

And the world lived happily ever.