FinermanWorks

Romney Exhibits a Change in Tone on Immigration

LAKE BUENA VISTA, Fla. — Mitt Romney struck a more conciliatory tone toward illegal immigrants on Thursday than he took during the Republican primary season, but he backed only limited steps to address the concerns of many Hispanic voters as he confronted one of the trickiest issues in his efforts to build a broad general election coalition.  Speaking to a group of Hispanic officials in the heart of a swing state, Mr. Romney made his most extensive remarks on immigration since President Obama announced last week that he would use executive authority to allow many young people who are in the country illegally to avoid deportation.

Attempting to establish a rapport with the Hispanic community, Mitt Romney announced that he was moving the Velasquez painting from the guest bathroom to the living room.  When asked in which of his homes, Romney conferred with his advisors before exclaiming, “All of them.”

The former governor added, “I really don’t think you are inferior.  In fact, Ann tells me that your King Juan Carlos is much better at polo than Prince Charles.”  Romney further gushed his enthusiasm for Man of La Mancha-“What great Spanish music”– and asked the audience to sing along with him “The Impossible Dream.”  When the crowd proved unfamiliar with the Broadway music of an American Jew, the still chipper Mr. Romney proposed “How about Carmen?”

At least, the audience knew the word “toreador.”

Romney campaign touts his tax return transparency

AP

Romney released two large sets of documents Tuesday on his campaign website.
The 2010 federal return shows that he paid about $3 million on nearly $22
million in income. The 2011 return indicates he will pay $3.2 million on nearly
$21 million income. Much of Romney’s earnings came from investments made by his
blind trust and associated with his long career as a private equity manager.

From a reading of the finally released documents, Romney seems heavily invested in Wite-Out.  According to his 2010 taxes, Romney’s $21 million income was derived from his newspaper route, getting the deposits on soda bottles and the Viking gold found in his backyard.   His 2011 taxes report the same.

His rival Newt Gingrich accused Romney of being an accessory to “Viking secular-humanist crimes” and demanded that the gold be returned to the looted Irish monasteries.  Immediately amending the tax forms and press releases, the Romney campaign then insisted the regularly found treasure was Carthaginian gold and “we refuse to return it to suspected Arab terrorists.”

Mr. Gingrich’s 2010 income was $3 million, one seventh of Romney’s total.  Gingrich explained, “My chief income is the immense satisfaction of inspiring anyone who knows me.  So what if Mitt made $21 million?  I would have won twice that much on Jeopardy, but they won’t let me on the show because the liberal media doesn’t want the public to appreciate my brilliance.”

As the Republican presidential race narrows down to Jethro Bodine and Eddie Haskell, voters are eager to learn each candidate’s plan for improving the economy.  Gov. Bodine speaks proudly of his record in Texas:  “We execute the unemployed.  So either you get a job or you provide the public some free entertainment.”  The governor also presented his plan for economic expansion: it turned out a history of the War of 1812, with the chapters on invading Canada underlined.  When asked for an explanation, Bodine retorted “I don’t care what a bunch of geographers say.  I don’t believe in Canada, and I don’t see why we don’t take all that empty land.”

After consulting a focus group, former Governor Haskell defended the existence of Canada.  He spoke glowingly of maple syrup, which reminds many people of Haskell’s personality.  He then expounded on his own economic record: the creation of 15,000 jobs at Haskell Metalworks, Waste Disposal, Pharmaceuticals and Catering.  When asked why it was headquartered in Shanghai, Haskell blamed the American economy.

“If only we got back to our founding principles, and my economic plan will do that.  I call it the Secure Employment and Resettlement Foundation.  Under the SERF system, anyone who needs a job or a home would be welcome to stay on the private estates of designated participants.  In return for this hospitality, the guests would be obliged to express their thanks with a little work: cleaning pools or moats, yard work, windows, crops.  In certain locations, the SERF assignments would include building walls along the Mexican border.

“Guests can be reassured: SERF housing and employment would be in perpetuity.  The system includes a food plan–and it is a dietitian’s dream:  all the advantages of root vegetables and none of the risks of meat.  As for healthcare, life expectancy would not be an issue.”

Asked if the SERF system would pay its workers the minimum wage, Haskell replied, “You don’t need to pay your guests.”  The editorial page of the Wall Street Journal praised the plan, noting that it had been used in a previous Dark Ages “And look how well things turned out.”