FinermanWorks

As the chief of the neighborhood, it was Massasoit’s responsibility to get rid of the Europeans. They could not be ignored. The Hurons to the North had tried coexisting with their intruders, those who seem to call themselves the “Mondieux”. Now the poor Hurons were being enslaved to strange rituals, serving red wine with muskrat but white wine with pelican.

If these Europeans were so meticulous about food, Massasoit would use their obsessive quirks against them. He would convince these aliens that the local food was disgusting, so they might as well leave. He plotted the most inedible menu and then brought over the abominations as gifts.

The main course was what the tribe called mutant chicken. None of the locals would eat anything that ugly. For a side dish, there were bog berries. Those tongue-shriveling fruits were said to be healthy, but most people preferred scurvy. The most laughable squash and roots were passed off as delicacies rather than weeds. Finally, and most cruel of all, the Europeans were served maize. That alone should have sent them fleeing home for dental floss.

But to Massasoit’s amazement, these Europeans were impervious to this awful parody of a meal. He had failed to realize that these were different Europeans. Yes, the Mondieux would have been horrified; but these aliens were called English, and they had no tastebuds or teeth.

They were here to stay.

Molded by grade school lessons and Hallmark commercials, we reverently refer to those brave pioneers at Plymouth as our “Pilgrim Fathers.” Of course, if we actually did file a class action paternity suit, most of us couldn’t prove it. Furthermore, we really wouldn’t want to be related to them. The Pilgrims were a bunch of 17th century Jerry Falwells.

They were the loony fringe of the Puritans; compared to them, Oliver Cromwell was a liberal softie. We were taught that the Pilgrims fled religious persecution in England and Holland. In fact, they fled religious tolerance in those countries.

Pilgrims could not abide other Protestants (except the equally morbid Presbyterians); you can only imagine how they regarded Catholics. The Pilgrims wanted nothing less than a theocracy where only they had the freedom of worship. In England, however, the Anglicans seemed unwilling to persecute themselves. Holland was even more sectually depraved; it tolerated Catholics and (gasp) Jews. That was the Pilgrims’ idea of Hell.

And the Pilgrims were everyone else’s idea of obnoxious. If the Calvinist bigots wanted a theocracy, England did have a practical solution. In the most generous way of saying “good riddance,” the Crown offered the Pilgrims their own colony in North America. Thousands of quiet miles from England, the fanatics would be free to bore and bully. If they survived, then God and England had a new colony. And, if they didn’t survive…well, we mustn’t think that the Crown was actually rooting for the Indians.

p.s.  And now for the menu:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2007/11/21/the-real-first-thanksgiving/

I’ll interrupt my usual litany of historic scandals to wish everyone a Happy or at least Tolerable Thanksgiving.  Even without reminders from Hallmark commercials, I have reasons to give thanks.

First, I am truly grateful that I was not at Plymouth in 1621.  Among those lunatic Calvinists, that was no place for a nice Jewish boy.  But even tarred and feathered, I would have been grateful not to have been Catholic.  The Pilgrims really hated them. 

I am profoundly grateful for history.  My wife says that I should get out of the house more often.  Thanks to history, I can, eavesdropper and Peeping-Tom on the most fascinating people in the world.  Megan Fox might look better in a swimsuit but Catherine de Medici is much more interesting.

Of course, I am grateful to my wife Karen–if only because she never had the opportunity to run off with Roger Federer.  And if she ever did, I would be grateful if she left me the pug.   

Furthermore, I am grateful for my undeserved good health.  If there were any justice in the world, I would be 300 pounds and toothless. 

Of the three thousand channels I get on cable television, I am reverently grateful for Turner Classic Movies.  Yes, it is another outlet for my history addiction.  Megan Fox might look better in a swimsuit but Lillian Gish is a much better actress.  (When Demi Moore remade “The Scarlet Letter”, she thought that the “A” referred to Miss Gish’s cup size; that explains why Miss Moore’s Hester Prynne wore a D.)

I am grateful to Megan Fox for two punchlines; otherwise I would have been stuck with Britney Spears or Kim Kardashian.

And, of course, I am grateful if anyone is reading this.  Thank you.

Yes, to answer that endemic question of  Thanksgiving, the main course was named for the country. Europeans of the 16th century thought the North American bird resembled a fowl common to Turkey.   

The Turks, however, never thought of naming the fowl for themselves. They call it the Hindi, which refers to India. (I have no idea what the real Indians call the bird but it might be something vicious about Pakistan.)

Furthermore, but for a slight Byzantine miscalculation, we would be referring to that misnamed bird as the Anatolia.

Until the 11th century, there were no Turks in Turkey.  In fact, the peninsula then was known as Anatolia.  It was a nice, thoroughly Greek region, and one of the most lucrative parts of the Byzantine Empire. In 1071, however, a Greek aristocrat named Andronicus Ducas became the inadvertent founder of Turkey.

The Byzantine general simply wanted to kill his emperor Romanus IV but was too finicky for an assassination. Ducas waited until the imperial army was fighting Turkish nomads in eastern Anatolia, near the town of Manzikert. He then ordered a retreat, abandoning the emperor to the enemy. Ducas rushed backed to Constantinople to install his cousin on the now empty and available throne.

(In fact, the Emperor Romanus was captured alive. Under the circumstances, the Turkish Sultan could coerce a favorable treaty. Romanus was soon after released; but his return to Constantinople was unappreciated by his usurping successor. The Byzantine retirement package consisted of blinding and exile.)

Unfortunately, the Byzantine Empire was in just as miserable shape. Andronicus Ducas had overestimated the army’s ability to retreat. It disintegrated, leaving Anatolia–half of the empire– defenseless. The Turks weren’t nomads after that.

And we won’t be trying to digest an Anatolia on Thanksgiving.

p.s.  A Further Tribute to the Pilgrims:  https://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2006/11/22/our-grim-pill-fathers/