FinermanWorks

State of the Union address scheduled for Jan. 24

 AP
President Barack Obama’s State of the Union address is set for Jan. 24.

As tradition requires, House Speaker John Boehner invited the president to
speak to a joint session of Congress. The White House accepted.

In a letter to the president, Boehner said Republicans “welcome the
opportunity to hear your new ideas for working with Congress.”

Speaker Boehner offered a choice of two times:  3 a.m., when he could promise uninterrupted electricity for the microphone and the lights, or 9 p.m.–with a few conditions.  The 9 p.m. broadcast must have a split-screen simultaneous televising of the Republican response:  Eric Cantor playing selections from “Oklahoma” on his accordion.

Most of the major networks have not yet agreed to televise the President’s address.  ABC has offered to let him have a three minute guest appearance on “Body of Evidence” where he can discuss the state of the union with Dana Delany during an autopsy.  PBS will cover the broadcast if the President mentions the free copy of “Pride and Prejudice” for any subscription renewal.  MSNBC would prefer that Rachel Maddow delivers the speech.  Comedy Central will let “The Daily Show” have five minutes to salvage the adminstration.

As its educational alternative, Fox News will feature Megyn Kelly, Martha MacCallum, Gretchen Carlson and Dano Perino in “William Bennett’s Strip Poker Symposium.”

You may wonder what President Obama will say in his State of the Union speech?  I wonder how the Republicans will keep him from saying it.  Giving him the wrong location is worth a try.  However, the President might be suspicious about giving a speech from the top of a minaret. And even if he does make it past the changed locks and overwaxed floors of the Capitol, Mr. Obama still must contend with a hundred more Republican strategems.

Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann will attend the session wearing only teabags, and she intends to do yoga.  That should preoccupy the video portion of the program.  However, there is still a risk that the President might be heard.  To prevent that, the Republicans will insist that the session begin with “The Lord’s Prayer”; Eric Kanter and Joseph Lieberman will be allowed to say it in Hebrew.  This will be followed by “The Pledge of Allegiance”, all four verses of “The Star-Spangled Banner” and the entire score of “Annie Get Your Gun” (According to Fox News, Irving Berlin’s tribute to Sarah Palin).

If, at anytime, the President attempts to speak, the Republicans will accuse him of being partisan.  They then will proceed to drown him out by singing “There’s No Business Like Show Business.”  No speech can compete with that.  After the closing musical number, the Republicans will announce that there has been a bomb threat.  Several congressmen will detonate themselves to prove it. 

Of course, the President will be blamed; and in view of the carnage, the State of the Union is much worse than the President would admit.  How dare he lie to the public!

And now back to your regularly scheduled programs….