“Palin rejects nearly 30 percent of stimulus funds”

Citing reasons of patriotism and Christian values, Alaska’s governor is refusing any federal money with portraits of Democrats or liberals.  “The one dollar bill is hunky-dory”, an endorsement that President Washington would have found gratifying.  However, President Lincoln’s denomination was rejected.  “The man wouldn’t have let Alaska secede from the Union.  What kind of American is that?”  Palin found ten dollar bills were acceptable, after William Kristol explained whom Alexander Hamilton was.  Although most historians regard Hamilton as an amoral,  sociopathic megalomaniac,  his defenders say that Hamilton was merely a proto-MBA. 

Alaska will not accept the twenty dollar bill; Andrew Jackson was the wrong party.  The fifty dollar bill is welcome; Ulysses Grant was one of the more successful Republican presidents–being only corrupt and incompetent but not provoking any losing wars.  Unfortunately, the hundred dollar bill is also banned in Alaska.   Benjamin Franklin was a deist who could speak French.  According to Gov. Palin, Christians should speak in tongues except French.

As for coins, they are all prohibited except for quarters that commemorate the states that voted for John McCain.

Sarah Palin, Republican John McCain’s running mate, tried to burnish her foreign policy credentials by meeting here with Israel’s ambassador to the United States. “We look forward to working with your Jewish agency,” she told Ambassador Sallai Meridor.

Governor Palin seems to be under the impression that any Jewish state would be a talent agency. That is true of William Morris (not his original name), Creative Artists Agency and ICM, but not Israel. (Israel, however, could give Mrs. Palin a good deal for its Philharmonic to play at Bristol’s wedding.)

But the Governor certainly would want a Jewish agent to negotiate for her book deal and Fox talk show. A Gentile agent–if one actually exists–could be raptured in the middle of the negotiations. That is not only inconvenient but unprofessional. No, Gov. Palin would want an agent who expects to be damned–and does business accordingly.

Sarah Palin has just defined herself as “Joe Six Pack.” That might mean that she is a transsexual alcoholic. However, I suspect that she is trying to identify herself as a paragon of simplicity: the homespun, ordinary soul who meets the travails of life with a can of beer. This is her rebuttal to those who criticize her ignorance: the ignorant are entitled to representation, and she is their candidate!

While I would never question her inadequacies, I do wonder about the term “Joe Six Pack.” Do those homespun, ordinary folk really aspire to the image of being alcohol-besotted slobs? Is that how they would publicly identify themselves? No, the term is demeaning and reeks of condescension. In fact, I first heard the term used by another Republican governor: Pierre Du Pont IV. At least, the lord of Delaware wasn’t pretending to be one of the folks. On the contrary, the message of his campaign was:Vote for me or I will fire you.

But Sarah Palin is not threatening the serfs; she is claiming to be one. Yes, Governor Palin can empathize with every hand-to-mouth, hardscrabble soul who also happens to have a monomanical vanity, a ruthless desire for power, and a tyrannical personality.

She is an elitist without the encumbrances of etiquette or education. “Joe Six Pack”? No, Debbie Demagogue.

On This Day in 1939

Upon returning from the Munich Conference and its betrayal of Czechoslavakia, Neville Chamberlain proclaimed “Peace in our times!” He failed to mentioned that the times would last a year. Now, with the German invasion of Poland, he was forced to announce the British government’s response. Here is the first draft of his speech:

“Germany has failed to respond with an explanation of its actions in Poland. So it is my sad duty to announce that we are now at war with Wurtemberg. If Germany fails to respond within another three months, we may declare war on Baden. Within one year, we could be at war with the entire South of Germany. Yes, the full weight of the British Empire on Bavaria; and we may not stop there. So if Herr Hitler wishes to avoid such unpleasantness, he should send me just a brief note of explanation. I’ll even pay the postage.”

The members of his cabinet recommended something a little sterner, although Lord Halifax preferred a declaration of war against France and Poland.

Nostradamus Finerman

Yesterday’s satire is today’s news. A few days ago, I portrayed Sarah Palin as a survivalist loonie. Well, she was obliging enough to prove me right. Beginning in the 1990s, she has been associated with the Alaska Independence Party, a political party advocating Alaska’s secession from the United States.

Joe Vogler, the founder of AIP, regarded the American government as a communist conspiracy. In 1991 he said, “The fires of hell are frozen glaciers compared to my hatred for the American government…and I won’t be buried under their damn flag.” By comparison, Rev. Wright’s fulminations were a Hallmark Card.

There is some question whether or not Sarah Palin belonged to the AIP during the Nineties. The party secretary said she was; Palin denies it. (I am sure that any incriminating paperwork will somehow disappear.) There is no question that her husband was a registered member of AIP from 1995 to 2002; it is on his voters’ registration–and that paperwork wasn’t lost quickly enough. Nor is there any question that Mrs. Palin attended AIP conventions in 1994 and 2000; in 2008, as governor, she addressed the convention.

Right now, the McCain campaign is denying that Mrs. Palin belonged to a secessionist group–and she had no idea that her husband espoused treason. And if it turns out that she had a faulty memory, I can imagine the next excuse. “It was the Nineties and she was just trying to escape the clutches of Bill Clinton.”

The Republican “Dream Ticket” of Maverick and Annie Oakley ended today when Alaska Governor Sarah Palin resigned. Palin had not realized that she might be expected to move to Washington D.C. “I don’t trust them cities with all their communist contraptions” explained the governor who had ordered the removal of stoplights and sewers from Juneau.

Palin even expressed her personal dislike of the White House. “It is not the kind of place where I can just open a window and shoot something.”

She also was offended that the Republican platform would not incorporate her Anti-Abortion policy into the party philosophy. “Unwanted children are an excellent source of meat” she insisted, offering the reporters a collection of her favorite survivalist recipes.

With Palin’s resignation and the need for another token woman on the Republican ticket, Mitt Romney has offered to change his sex.