Posts Tagged ‘Papal election’

Live and Livid From Rome

Posted in General on March 11th, 2013 by Eugene Finerman – 1 Comment

“Hello and welcome to our coverage of the 111th Papal Election.  I’m Bob Costas, along with Matt Lauer.”

“Bob, did you know that the Romans spelled 111 as CXI?”

“No, I didn’t and neither did the Romans.”

“Now this election is called a conclave because the Cardinals are meeting indoors.  So if they were meeting outdoors, it would be a convlex.”

“Thank you, Matt, for that expression of faith.  You believe everything the interns tell you.”

“The potential Popes will be judged on beauty, poise and talent.  Did you know that Pope Benedict XVI won because of his Marlene Dietrich imitation?

“Why does your staff hate you so much?  I doubt that you are intentionally cruel.  Maybe they are just underpaid Ivy Leaguers who resent a man of your unique intelligence making millions.”

“Thank you, Bob.  Now, the contest will be held in the Sistine Chapel which was named…”

“Let me guess, Matt! Was it a nun named Sister Tina?”

“Of course, a Catholic would know that.  Well, I sort of had a Catholic education, too.”

“Yes, one or two of your wives were…”

“And in grade school I had Catholic friends, at least when I gave them my lunch money.”

“Let’s talk about the Papal election.  If the cardinals’ choice reflected the demographics of the Church, the next Pope would be a Brazilian woman.  Of course, that won’t happen.  What we would call Gerrymandering was originally Hieronymandering.” So the college of Cardinals is a  disproportionate  bloc of Italian curmudgeons.  Imagine a room full of Antonin Scalias.  Fortunately, they can’t abide each other;  so they need to agree on the least repellent candidate.

Cardinals are not allowed to filibuster, so they are less medieval than the U.S. Senate.  There is also a time constraint; if no candidate is elected by the third day, the cardinals start getting smaller meals.  By the ninth day, they are looking for communion crumbs.  By the time the stomach growls are doing Gregorian chants, someone will get elected.”

“I knew that.”

No, you didn’t, Matt.  Our coverage continues with Savannah Guthrie skinny-dipping in baptismal fonts.”