FinermanWorks

Demonstrating his concern for victims of Hurricane Gustav, President Bush announced guest memberships at Texas country clubs for anyone whose golf course has been flooded.

Arriving in Louisiana with 500 “John McCain for President” umbrellas, the Arizona Senator and his running mate Sarah “Rambelle” Palin expressed their conservative compassion for the victims. Ms. Palin demonstrated 30 different ways the umbrellas can be used to kill. Governor Bobby Jindal is expected to live. Ms. Palin almost apologized for the mistake, saying that the Indian-American “shouldn’t look that way, all terroristy.” Senator McCain did apologize, wishing Jindal “a full recovery or a better reincarnation.”

While McCain compared the plight of the hurricane victims to being in a North Vietnamese prison, Palin offered swimming lessons. “Every real American should be able to swim through ice floes while clutching a 50 caliber machine gun in your teeth.” Governor Rambelle also noted that the worst hurricanes always have “foreign names like Gustav and Katrina. And why don’t they ever strike those liberal places like New York or Beverly Hills?”

Rambelle may have included an ethic reference to her description of liberal places, but campaign spokesmen now insist that she said “jejune” or “Juneau”.

Responding to criticism that his running mate was a survivalist psychopath, Senator McCain said “Those are exactly the qualities America may need. You don’t really think that I can fix these Bush disasters: the economy, the wars, the climate–it is going to be chaos and barbarism. Anyone see “Mad Max” or “Waterworld”? I don’t expect to survive it; so the next President has to be a savage. Arnold Swarzenegger was just acting, but Sarah is the real thing. She will save the non-edible members of mankind. So what if she thinks that Christ’s first name is Thor?”

Hurricane Gustav’s Silver Lining

The Republicans were looking for a way to avoid having Commandude Bush at their convention. No one actually threatened him. Sarah Palin’s offer to kill and skin Barney actually was her idea of a gift. But there were subtle efforts to discourage his presence. They never made clear whether the convention would be in St. Paul or Sao Paolo; and by a slight misunderstanding, the convention schedule sent to the White House was based on the Julian Calendar.

With the threat of Hurricane Gustav, however, the Republican Convention will understand if the President now is too busy to attend. And, if the Hurricane had not been so convenient, the Republican National Committee would have wanted the President to remain in Washington to monitor reports of a Persian Army massing to attack Greece.

The Second Syllable of Addiction

Joseph Biden was speaking, but the news scrolling on the bottom of the television screen had the real story. David Duchovy is going into rehab to be treated for sex addiction! This news item was so important that CNN spelled every word correctly. (A few days earlier, the CNN scroll reported that Chris Katten “seperated” from his wife.)

I have to wonder what is a sex addiction? I recently saw Mrs. Duchovy (alias Tea Leoni) in a film, and she did not seem the worse for his addiction. She wasn’t bow-legged. So what is Duchovy doing? Does he take public transportation just to bump into people? Is he auditioning for concerts with his baton? Is he looking for nude photos of his wife on the internet?

Having seen Duchovy’s attempts at acting, I am surprised that he is capable of any animation.