I had to answer this ad….
McOpCo…Weeks of grueling boot camp taught me to survive up to four hours on just the 3500 calories in a Big Mac. Also now can slit a throat with a French fry. Have earned my Grease Beret.
First assignment: parachuted into Tehran and served McRibs for lunch during Ramadan. Turned out to be practice run. Ayatollahs are major stockholders in McD; they love any food that kills Americans.
Real assignment: assassinate Burger King. Asked whether to fake murder-suicide with Wendy’s. Underage girl angle for headlines and grand jury. Unnecessary according to Legal. Citizens United case says corporations are people and so have fourth amendment rights. Just claim free market self-defense.
Shoot him point blank? Lacks artistry….
Plan: Burger King appearing in “The Borgias”. Good product placement and typical of Showtime’s historical standards. Burger King playing third or fourth husband of Lucretia. Must kill him before she does.
Method: Detonate Sistine Chapel by substituting nitroglycerin for turpentine. Impale Burger King with Michelangelo’s paintbrushes.
Abort operation. Burger King out of ”The Borgias”, now in spinoff playing Elector of Saxony in series about zany, sexually frustrated German theology professor. “95 These and Those” starring Jon Lovitz. Assassination now Pro Bono work.
Plan 2: Burger King shooting new ads.
Method: Disguise five rabid pit bulls as pugs and be mistaken for arts director.
Result: Pseudo Pugs have happy meal.
Next assignment for McOpCo: Incite gang war between Taco Bell and Pizza Hut. Almost too easy.