The Lesser of Two Medievals
Posted in General on September 9th, 2011 by Eugene Finerman – 6 CommentsAs the Republican presidential race narrows down to Jethro Bodine and Eddie Haskell, voters are eager to learn each candidate’s plan for improving the economy. Gov. Bodine speaks proudly of his record in Texas: “We execute the unemployed. So either you get a job or you provide the public some free entertainment.” The governor also presented his plan for economic expansion: it turned out a history of the War of 1812, with the chapters on invading Canada underlined. When asked for an explanation, Bodine retorted “I don’t care what a bunch of geographers say. I don’t believe in Canada, and I don’t see why we don’t take all that empty land.”
After consulting a focus group, former Governor Haskell defended the existence of Canada. He spoke glowingly of maple syrup, which reminds many people of Haskell’s personality. He then expounded on his own economic record: the creation of 15,000 jobs at Haskell Metalworks, Waste Disposal, Pharmaceuticals and Catering. When asked why it was headquartered in Shanghai, Haskell blamed the American economy.
“If only we got back to our founding principles, and my economic plan will do that. I call it the Secure Employment and Resettlement Foundation. Under the SERF system, anyone who needs a job or a home would be welcome to stay on the private estates of designated participants. In return for this hospitality, the guests would be obliged to express their thanks with a little work: cleaning pools or moats, yard work, windows, crops. In certain locations, the SERF assignments would include building walls along the Mexican border.
“Guests can be reassured: SERF housing and employment would be in perpetuity. The system includes a food plan–and it is a dietitian’s dream: all the advantages of root vegetables and none of the risks of meat. As for healthcare, life expectancy would not be an issue.”
Asked if the SERF system would pay its workers the minimum wage, Haskell replied, “You don’t need to pay your guests.” The editorial page of the Wall Street Journal praised the plan, noting that it had been used in a previous Dark Ages “And look how well things turned out.”