Cracking the Code in ‘Heeere’s Johnny!’

New York Times

First, forgive my absence.  I hope you didn’t imagine that I was preoccupied as Mitt Romney’s speechwriter.  “Golly, I love you Hispanics.  You know, I have a Velazquez in my favorite bathroom.”  No, any of my retching was done with a good conscience and miserable lungs.  For the last week, coughing was my primary form of expression.  Since my ailment was a virus, the doctor told me that I might as well go to a Christian Science reading room.  Just wait it out–and expectorate some more customers for him.

I finally am now feeling better, which is more than Charles IV of France would have said on this day in 1328…

His death was the end of the Capetian dynasty and the likely start of a Dan Brown novel.  (The family was said to be cursed by the Grandmaster of the Templars–while he was being burned alive; the man was entitled to be vindictive.)  Charles was the last of three brothers, whose reigns were a total of 13 years.  Between the three–Louis X, Philip V and the aforementioned Charles–they had been married six times.  Yet, they left no living sons.  There were five healthy daughters but they didn’t count–at least in the royal succession.  That was the result of a law in 1316 and a scandal two years earlier.

At the time, Louis had yet to become the Tenth; but he was already known as ”The Quarrelsome.”  His wife Margaret obviously was unhappy but not exactly resigned.  There was a good looking Norman lord at court, and a convenient rendez-vous at the Tour de Nesle.  The Paris palais may have been discreet but Margaret wasn’t.  She told her sister-in-law Blanche, the bored wife of Charles, about the therapeutic locale and also recommended a Norman boy toy.  It is possible that the third sister-in-law Jeanne knew about the activities.  If so, she shared the dirty joke without becoming one.  Since I am telling you (and I am not a Norman stud), the secret evidently got.  The informant was Isabelle, the sister of the cuckolded brothers.  She was married to the King of England, but she was the lesser queen of the two.  Now, if she had to endure a maritial travesty, she was not going to let her sisters-in-law enjoy themselves.  Isabelle informed her father, King Philip IV, of the scandal.

The two Norman lovers were arrested, tortured into confessions and then publicly vivisected.  Margaret, Blanche and Jeanne were all accused of adultery; but since adultery requires at least two people, Jeanne had to be acquitted.  Margaret and Blanche did not have that defense.  They were condemned to life in convents.  The scandal as well as 14th century medicine probably hastened the death of King Philip.  Louis the Quarrelsome became king and he was impatient for an annulment.  By a remarkable coincidence, Margaret died the next year.  Louis was probably more surprised when he died in 1316.  The diagnosis was the 27 year-old caught pleurisy playing tennis, although some sources think that Duchess Jeanne had served wine after the game.  But Jeanne was not Queen yet.  Louis’ new wife and newer widow was pregnant, and she did give birth to a son.  The infant king lived for only five days.  Some sources think that Duchess Jeanne handled the christening robes.

But Jeanne’s husband was still not the certain successor.  Louis ostensibly and his first wife definitely had a daughter.  The four-year had a better claim to the throne–if she was the daughter of Louis.  Her mother was guilty of adultery in 1314, but there was no evidence of any indiscretion two prior to that.  Since the child was inconveniently legitimate, the only way to disinherit her was to change the law.  Although it was the 14th century, the aspiring Philip V decided that fifth century German law was the correct arbiter of royal succession.  And according to that law, the royal succession was limited to men and only through male descent.  So the princess could grow up and have sons (she did), but they still would be ineligible for the French throne.

Philip was now the rightful king, but with appropriate irony he and Jeanne had only daughters.  So his successor was brother Charles.  He understandably had his first marriage annulled, then married two more times and had a daughter to survive him.  The throne passed his first cousin, the direct and purely testosterone-linked grandson of Philip III.  But there was still one male descendant of Philip IV, albeit through a daughter.  Edward III of England was the son of Isabelle, the termagent who tattled on her sisters-in-law, and he claimed the throne of France.  He and his descendants would spend the next hundred years in a brutal form of probate.

The French crown never bothered to change its convoluted succession.  Daughters and nieces were disqualified, as were their sons.  In 1589, when Henry III died without an heir, his cousin Henry de Bourbon rightfully claimed the throne because of his uninterrupted male descent from Louis IX, who died in 1270.  But after all that effort to disinherit the daughter of Louis X…Henry IV was also directly descended from her.

Romney campaign touts his tax return transparency

AP

Romney released two large sets of documents Tuesday on his campaign website.
The 2010 federal return shows that he paid about $3 million on nearly $22
million in income. The 2011 return indicates he will pay $3.2 million on nearly
$21 million income. Much of Romney’s earnings came from investments made by his
blind trust and associated with his long career as a private equity manager.

From a reading of the finally released documents, Romney seems heavily invested in Wite-Out.  According to his 2010 taxes, Romney’s $21 million income was derived from his newspaper route, getting the deposits on soda bottles and the Viking gold found in his backyard.   His 2011 taxes report the same.

His rival Newt Gingrich accused Romney of being an accessory to “Viking secular-humanist crimes” and demanded that the gold be returned to the looted Irish monasteries.  Immediately amending the tax forms and press releases, the Romney campaign then insisted the regularly found treasure was Carthaginian gold and ”we refuse to return it to suspected Arab terrorists.”

Mr. Gingrich’s 2010 income was $3 million, one seventh of Romney’s total.  Gingrich explained, “My chief income is the immense satisfaction of inspiring anyone who knows me.  So what if Mitt made $21 million?  I would have won twice that much on Jeopardy, but they won’t let me on the show because the liberal media doesn’t want the public to appreciate my brilliance.”

If you sensed a cosmic disturbance and had nightmares of Adam Sandler and Joan Rivers in “Brigadoon”, let me explain the cause.  Last night, in a gesture of ecumenicalism and anthropological curiosity, my synagogue had a “pulpit exchange” with a Presbyterian church.  We welcomed our guests with tartan yarmulkes.  Their minister’s sermon spoke of the common bond between Scots and Jews, specifically comparing Robert Burns and George Burns.  (They were born the same year; it says so in Wikipedia.)  I will add that the Mourners’ Kaddish did sound better with bagpipes.  We should consider using them instead of shofars.

After the service, my temple hosted a reception catering to our guests’ classic cuisine:  oatmeal and Scotch.  You know, the oatmeal does taste better with the Scotch.  After my fourth bowl, I performed a one-man reenactment of the battle of Culloden.  Of course, the historical accuracy was impeccable, but I may have overstepped propriety by using the Torah as a claymore sword.  In fairness, however, we are a Reform congregation and this was the most use of the Torah since October.

This Sunday, our rabbi will speak at their church and no doubt compare the patterns on their kilts and our sports jackets.

Wikipedia protests US antipiracy proposals

AP

NEW YORK — January 18 is a date that will live in ignorance, as Wikipedia started a 24-hour blackout of its English-language articles, joining other sites in protesting pending U.S. legislation aimed at shutting down sites that share pirated movies and other content.

In desperation, American students will be forced to open textbooks.  Over the next 24 hours, our nation’s healthcare system will collapse as hospital emergency rooms will be confronted with millions of cases of papercuts and hernias.

To alleviate this crisis, I am offering to substitute for Wikipedia and provide our students with the same calibre of scholarship.

For example, Cannes is the capital of Kansas which actually is the abbreviation for Kazakhstan, which was named for the famous Cossack Stanley.

Abraham Lincoln gave the Gettysburg Address as the opening act for a Rolling Stones concert.  Incidentally, it was at this concert that Queen Victoria met her future husband Charles Dickens.

Each of our months was named for one of the twelve children of Julia and Gregory Calendar, who owned a stationery store in ancient Greece.  They introduced the yearly chronology to supplement their income after the drop in business for commemorative wedding coffee mugs for Oedipus and Jocasta.

The director’s cut of “The Lord of the Rings:  the Return of the King” lasts 47 hours; the DVD includes all the menus of the cast’s lunches–forty-seven recipes for mutton.  (Wait, that is actually true!)

p.s.  Let’s not forget the patron saint of Wikipedia:  http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/04/05/the-patron-saint-of-wikipedia/

Did anyone miss me?  If you are feeling neglected, blame Tsar Nicholas II, the Mikado Meiji and the editor who wanted me to write about the Russo-Japanese War.  But even that war had its share of irony, and I would never begrudge you the gossip….

If the Russo-Japanese War had merely been a popularity contest, Japan still would have won.  The newspapers of Britain and America depicted the conflict in terms of David and Goliath.  It was earnest, energetic Japan against big, brutal Russia, and the stereotypes were actually correct.  So what if the Japanese had started the war–or that the fight was over the possession of a prostrate Korea?  If we had to pick a favorite vulture, it was definitely Japan.  (Of course, no one asked the Koreans.)

The war began in February, 1904 with Japan’s surprise attack on the Russian naval base at Port Arthur.  (Yes, the Japanese thought that the tactic would work a second time,  too.)  The Russians may have been surprised, but no one else was. In the preceding two months, American reporters were sent to Japan to cover the impending war.  Apparently, no one in Russia read the Hearst newspapers, but when William Randolph demanded a war, the Mikado wouldn’t have dared refuse.  However, the influx of American reporters caused a problem for the Japanese.  A free press, even an ostensibly pro-Japanese one,  could report casualties and setbacks.  So the Japanese attempted to confine the American journalists to hotel bars and press releases.  (That tactic has also been repeated.)  A few reporters managed to evade their handlers and get to the front.  Of course, the Japanese army was unhappy with the uncontrolled press.  No doubt a few officers were prepared to arrange accidents–but really–many American journalists would have had fatal shaving accidents with samurai swords?  The Japanese thought of a more adroit way to suppress the coverage.  Cameras would be arrested for criminal activity.  Reporters could write unfettered reports, but there would be no photographs for evidence—other than what the Japanese approved.

Russia’s humiliating defeat could be attributed to the imbecilic Tsar, his incompetent generals or his hapless admirals.  But the Russia’s official scapegoat was the Jews.  This seems surprising since very few of those generals and admirals were Jewish.  However, it could have been an honest mistake.  Mikado does sound vaguely Hebrew, one could easily confuse Rashomon with Rosh ha Shonah, and weren’t the Japanese always talking about their Sam and Murray Code?

Episcopalians have new US home in Catholic church

AP

Pope Benedict XVI named a married former Episcopal bishop Sunday to head the
first U.S. organizational structure for disaffected Anglicans and Episcopalians
who want to join the Roman Catholic Church.

The Pope has offered the following concessions to the Episcopalians.

1.  In depictions of the Last Supper, the table will have place cards.

2.  Edith Wharton is an acceptable substitute for the Virgin.  So is Henry James.

3.  In deference to Episcopalians’ politics, the Beatitudes may begin “I suppose”.

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic significance of this day:  http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/01/02/granadir/

I’d wish you a Happy 2012 but I’d be at least four years too late!

According to the most charitable calculation, next year will be A.D. 2016. The mistake dates back to the early sixth century. Until then, even the Church was using the pagan calendar. That chronology was based on the legendary founding of Rome; as a cross-reference, it also cited the reign of the prevailing tyrant. For example, if you check the Vatican archives, the notarized date for the Nicene Creed would read “in the 1,078th year of Rome and in the 19th year of Constantine.” Western Civilization obviously needed a shorter and less pagan date.

In the 1278th year of Rome (alias A.D. 525), the church finally converted its calendar. The new chronology, based upon the birth of Jesus, was calculated by a mathematical monk named Dionysius Exiguus. Dionysius is not the most trustworthy name for a mathematician or a monk. In fairness, however, the poor guy was doing subtraction with Roman numerals. It is amazing that his chronology was wrong by only four years. The Church apparently caught the error, because Dionysius was not made a saint. Yet, it never corrected that mistake. The Church seems to be quite ecumenical about arithmetic.

Ironically, the Reformation never brought up the mistake, either. You would have thought that Martin Luther would have rubbed it in. The boisterous German described one Pope as a syphilitic dung beetle, so he hardly would be shy about an accounting discrepancy. Yet, on this subject, Luther was discreet. Jean Calvin and John Knox were also surprisingly silent. You would expect them to wish you a Dour but mathematically precise New Year.

So, apparently all of Christendom is going along on the cover-up. Then so will I. (I don’t want to incite another 1900 years of persecution.) 2012 it is–and have a Happy One.

1st US museum dedicated to Greek culture opens: 

Mel Gibson Loses $425 Million After Divorce Is Finalized

eonline
Sat Dec 24
EST

Mel Gibson ‘s ex-wife Robyn is getting for Christmas half of his net worth of $850 million. That’s the estimated take in a divorce settlement finalized today.

He and his wife of 28 years (and seven children) had no prenuptial agreement.

Robyn filed for divorced in April 2009 citing irreconcilable differences.  Gibson split with Robyn after announcing he was having a baby with Oksana Grigorieva.

Robyn Gibson’s attorney is Laura Wasser.

But how should Robyn Gibson spend that money?  She might want to endow the Laura Wasser School of Talmudic Law at Brandeis, although Laura Wasser can now afford to do that, too.

And just imagine how many trees Mrs. Gibson can plant in Israel? The foliage could be the designated the Meshugge Schmuck National Forest.

At least we know what she will be giving out for Christmas this year:  Tiffany Mezuzahs for everyone!  Every Nativity Scene should have one.