Romney Wins Illinois Primary
Coasting to victory on the slogan “Nauseating but Sane”, Willard “Mitt” Romney expressed his appreciation of Illinois’ culture. “There’s the freedom, and pioneer courage, and the American spirit in a deep dish pizza.” His campaign then paid everyone in the audience one hundred dollars to pretend that they hadn’t heard that. The gesture was praised by Fox News as Romney’s plan to revive the economy.
The rising price of gasoline was an issue during the primary. (In a completely unrelated story, Koch Industries is donating another $500 million dollars to the G.O.P. this year.) Romney, Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich each offered his idea of an energy policy. Romney’s plan reflected his own entrepreneurial achievements. “Each day, I personally ooze four barrels of oil. Even if I use half of that on my hair, that still leaves two barrels for America. I urge my fellow citizens to follow my example and start oozing our way to energy independence.”
Santorum’s proposal reflected his traditional values. “We should burn heretics. Use them instead of street lamps and headlights. And they are biodegradable.”
Gingrich’s plan was as expansive and visionary as the man himself. “We have all these alien technologies in Area 51. Whatever engines the Romulans are using in their warships, we should adapt to our spacecraft and cars. If lithium is supposed to work on me, why not in our impulse hyperdrives and fusion ion thrusters? What we don’t have yet, we can get by waterboarding the Ferengi.”
It was rumored that Governor Romney had a rational response to the Santorum and Gingrich plans, but his campaign suppressed it for fear of offending the Conservative base.