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What the Hell, I’ll write you a free speech. (Don’t tell Karen; she’d want me to charge you. The woman insists on a middle-class standard of living. You’d think my good looks, wit and obvious sensuality would suffice.) But chivalry takes precedence over money; I have to protect you from any writer that says high-tone.
Here is the speech–with your choice of options.
First, let me thank (name the clergy). Your invocation was (your choice): poignantly poignant/almost plausible/surprising considering the sordid rumors about you.
Now, I don’t know most of you, but it doesn’t matter: I am not paying for this (your choice): celebration of love and hope/bourgeois self-parody/confirmation of the bride’s pregnancy. What does matter is that I know my son and I am sure that you can sense (your choice) my unspeakable pride/my moderate interest/my complete bewilderment with his heterosexual taste.
Let me just assure our newlyweds that before you is (your choice) everything promised in a Hallmark commercial/the ever-growing appreciation of separate bathrooms/the probability that your second marriages won’t be any better.
Thank you/God help you/Waiter, another scotch.
Thank you for bringing belly laugh humor into my day!
Rich and MVC,
I am never at a loss for “inspiration”, but today I had the extra energy from leftover Halloween candy.
Just imagine what Coleridge could have written after six Snickers bars.
Eugene
It make me weep of joy to know such sentimentals is on-line. Thank to those who make outsourcing possible on the international.
Eugene —
Congratulations. This is probably the funniest piece of gender satire since Westbrook Pegler wrote a bogus Eleanor Roosevelt column about a home for unwed fathers.
Cheers,
Hal
Hal,
Although I certainly prefer Eleanor to Westbrook, do you have a copy of that column?
Eugene
This is priceless, but I cannot help feeling sorry for the groom’s father who has but one shoulder. Do you suppose he tips over a lot?
Peg,
That one-shouldered father might have pulled strings-or at least bell ropes–to have the wedding at Notre Dame Cathedral.
I wonder who these “speechwriters” are? My guess is that they are 14 year-olds in Mumbai, who are already writing annual reports for Fortune 100 corporations. But is their English really so dreadful or are they sulking about losing the Sepoy Rebellion.
Eugene