Your RDA of Irony

An Immodest Proposal

Finally, someone appreciates me.  I just received this email.

Hello,

My name is Violet Smith, I represent adult dating sites.  We took a look at your site (http://finermanworks.com/) recently, and we are interested in a link exchange.

Our offer is actually quite interesting, a 3 way link as opposed to a reciprocal link. You link to http://www.hornymatches.ws and we link to you on SexDate*****.com  We offer the best type of link exchange. Also,SexDate****.com  has a very nice directory that we have been building so you are sure to find a category there for your site. If not, please just make your suggestion to us.

Here is our link info:

Hornymatches [hyperlink]

Have a great week and I hope that we can do business with you in the very near future.

Regards.
Violet Smith

Of course, many of you have suspected that FinermanWorks really was a porn site.  Yes, I am a front for historic pornography.  Consider the portraits of  Byzantine empresses.  Under all those mosaics, they are naked!  True, it is a bit of an effort to pick away the right tiles to get to the good stuff. 

But if you order “Hot Babes of the Comnenian Dynasty” (in peel-off mosaics or peek-a-boo icons) , as a special gift, I’ll send you a collection of centerfolds from the Book of Kells.    See St. Brigid the way that you always wanted to!  (All right, those Irish monks couldn’t draw well but it is the closest we’ll ever get to Maureen O’Hara having nude scenes in “Miracle on 34th Street”.)

And if you happen to be that way, your panderer-in-chief can offer pictures of gay Japanese samurai from the 16th century.  Two of the leading warlords weren’t interested in warladies.  Really.  To Uesugi Kenshin and Oda Nobunaga, shogun was as much a proposition as a title.  

Remember, it is always an orgy at FinermanWorks.

  1. M Cullen says:

    Oh you dirty, dirty boy! LOL.

    • Hal Gordon says:

      Hilarious! Reminded me of Anthony Burgess’ reply to a a lady reviewer who panned the first volume of his autobiography as a “self-indulgent ragbag:”

      “There is never any self-indulgence in writing, unless it be a pornograph for personal use. Writing remains hard work.”

  2. Michele says:

    Eugene, this could be perfectly innocent — perhaps a lot of hornydate’s clientele are interested in the sexual histories of potential dates. Then again, hornydate. Hmmm. Probably not.

    Anyway, I’m jealous. You get offers for link-porn, while I get link-spam from companies that sell printing ink. I look forward to frequent references to the sexual habits of dead people in the future.

    – Michele

    • Leah says:

      Your browser knows where you’ve been. You’ve been visiting toner sites. Eugene, on the other hand….

      Since my website is recorded on FinermanWorks and thus linked, I gather I’ll be getting spam sometime soon from Byzantine Babes and Hellenic Hotties.

  3. How fabulous for you! A three-way link? Better check your inputs and make sure you have enough plugs.

    Unfortunately, my fan mail is much less glamorous, as confirmed by this depressingly representative example I received this morning:

    —–Original Message—–
    From: Mr David Peter
    To: .
    Sent: Wed, Apr 21, 2010 1:56 am
    Subject: Dear Friend,

    Dear Friend,

    With due respect to your person and much sincerity of purpose I make this contact with you as I believe that you can be of great assistance to me. my name is Mr. DAVID PETER, from Ouagadougou Republic of BURKINA FASO, West Africa. Presently i work in the Bank as telex manager. I have been searching for your contact since you left our country some years ago .I do not know whether this is your correct email address or not because I only used your name initials to search for your contact in the internet .In case you are not the person I am supposed to contact , please see this as a confidential message and do not reveal it to another person but if you are not the intended receiver, do let me know whether you can be of assistance regarding my proposal below because it is top secret.
    I am about to retire from active Bank service to start a new life but I am sceptical to reveal this particular secret to a stranger . You must assure me that everything will be handled confidentially because we are not going to suffer again in life.
    It has been 10 years now that most of the greedy African Politicians used our bank to Launder money overseas through the help of their Political advisers. Most of the funds which they transferred out of the shores of Africa was gold and oil money that was supposed to have been used to develop the continent. Their Political advisers always inflated the amounts before transfer to foreign accounts so I also used the opportunity to divert part of the funds hence I am aware that there is no official trace of how much was transferred as all the accounts used for such transfers were being closed after transfer.
    I acted as the Bank Officer to most of the politicians and when I discovered that they were using me to succeed in their greedy act, I also cleaned some of their banking records from the Bank files and no one cared to ask me because the money was too much for them to control. They laundered over ($5b) Five Billion Dollars during the process .As I am sending this message to you, I was able to divert more than One Hundred and Fifty Million Dollars ($150m) to an escrow account belonging to no one in the bank. The bank is anxious now to know who is the beneficiary to the funds because they have made a lot of profits with the funds.
    It is more than Eight years now and most of the politicians are no longer using our bank to transfer funds overseas. The $150 Million Dollars has been lying waste but I don’t want to retire from the bank without transferring the funds to a foreign account to enable me share the proceeds with the receiver. The money will be shared 60% for me and 40% for you .
    There is no one coming to ask you about the funds because I secured everything.I only want you to assist me by providing a bank account where the funds can be transferred. You are not to face any difficulties or legal implications as I am going to handle the transfer personally. If you are capable of receiving the funds, do let me know immediately to enable me give you a detailed information on what to do.
    For me, I have not stolen the money from anyone because the other people that took the whole money did not face any problems. This is my chance also to grab my own but you must keep the details of the funds secret to avoid leakages as no one in the bank knows about the funds.
    Please supply me the following:
    Your current contact address and Telephone Numbers.
    I shall intimate you on what to do when I get your confirmation and acceptance. If you are capable of being my trusted associate, do declare your consent to me.
    Waiting for your urgent response.

    Yours Faithfully,
    Mr PETER .

    My response:

    Dear Peter

    I am scheduled to undergo a total bilateral encephalectomy tomorrow morning as the rooster crows. You can rest assured that I will not be sharing this information with anyone — not even my rooster, who, like yourself, is a most trusted friend.

    Yours very truly,
    Ricardo di Carciofi-Marinati
    PS The rooster’s name is Bill.

  4. Rich says:

    Everything from hornymatches to skimming from skimmings. Ain’t the web wonderful

  5. Michael says:

    Oda Nobunaga replies:

    Sensei Finerman has written that I wasn’t interested in the ladies. Maa nante koto nanda! Unlike Eusugi Kenshin, who never married, I married to Kicho, generally known as Nohime (Princess of Mino). Sensei Finerman will no doubt reply that many nobles have married for reasons of state without any actual interest in the contrary sex. However, I also had twenty children with my favorite concubines, Kitsuno and Sakashi. This would seem to indicate a degree of enthusiam, if not ai (love), then, at least, nikuyoku (lust). It is true that one of my sandal-bearers, Mori Ranmaru, became famous for his devotion to me, and even killed himself after my assassination. However, it is also true that my enemies (my greatness is measured by their numbers) would seize on any aspect of my life to exaggerate it to villify me and for reasons of strategy I did nothing to disuade them. In my early years they portrayed me as a half-crazy buffoon, but it was useful for me to be thought a fool (in Shakespearean manner) when surrounded by more powerful enemies until I had consolidated power. Much later it was alleged I communicated with demons, but that didn’t bother me either if it scared my enemies as I battled to become the most powerful man in Japan. However, I never accepted the proffered title of Shogun. It was my ally, Ieyasu Tokugawa, who later founded the new Shogunate.

    • Eugene Finerman says:

      Insensei Yujin replies:

      Oda Nobunaga actually communicated with Jesuits, but they are frequently confused with demons. In the Kurosawa film “Kagemusha”, Oda even seems a bit of a cross-dresser; his wardrobe is half Japanese and half European. When we first see him, the warlord is wearing both a kimono and velvet breeches. It makes a very strange first impression–and the subsequent impressions are no different.

      As for Mori Ranmaru, he may have started with sandals but he certainly worked his way up. In “Kagemusha”, the relationship was quite obvious. Had I been a Jesuit or–more likely–the imperial jester, I might have referred to the couple as Harry and Cary.

  6. Peg Pruitt says:

    Eugene,

    This is one of the best ever – both your original post and the responses.

    For Mr. Peter, who wishes to avoid leakages, I would suggest Depends.

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