New Airport Security Measures
For flights lasting longer than two hours passengers will be subjected to a drug-induced coma. (In deference to their religious principles, Christian Scientists will be knocked unconscious.) Upon arrival at their destination, the comatose passengers will be placed on the baggage carillon until they are ready to reclaim themselves.
For flights lasting less than two hours, why don’t you just take the damn Greyhound.
Luggage will no longer be permitted on flights. If you need anything, you probably can buy it wherever you arrive. Of course, you will have to get rid of it before your return flight; but the TSA was thinking of opening pawnshops at airports.
Truth in Advertising
The following story is 99 percent true. Only the names have been changed to protect the guilty (an investment firm) as well as one litigation-fearing writer (alias me).
The litigation-fearing writer caved in.