FinermanWorks

First, let me wish myself a Happy New Year. (You, too–when applicable.) In the Jewish chronology, this new year is 5769. Of course, that’s just the retail value. Between us, at most it should be 3495.

So, looking back at the last year, what were the high points of being Jewish? Of course, we are all thrilled that Amy Winehouse is still alive. It also is flattering to think that Lindsey Lohan is dating a Jewish girl and might consider converting. (That should more than compensate for losing Gustav Mahler to Catholicism.)

And you cannot describe our pride in knowing that Joseph Lieberman is John McCain’s Rabbi Richelieu. We should also proclaim the tutorial brillance of William Kristol if Sarah Palin now knows the names of three European capital cities.

We also take vicarious pride in Nicolas Sarkosy. The President of France may only be one quarter Jewish but he is 100 percent pushy. You would not want to be in front of him at the lox platter. I could imagine him starring in the French production of “Curb Your Enthusiasm.”

This year’s Nobel Prizes were a bit unnerving, however. Gentiles won in all the real categories–even medicine. Fortunately, we always have economics as a consolation prize. And the winners–and our saviors–were Leon Hurwicz, Eric Maskin and Roger Myerson.

However, the Smartest Jew of the Year has to be actress Rachel Weisz. She took one look at the script of “The Mummy, part III” and decided to let someone else have the role. (Poor Maria Bello)

So, it is another year for Western Civilization’s Longest Running Road Show. Still under original management!

THE NEW CHICAGO TRIBULATION

It is now is official: I would be ashamed to seen in public with the Chicago Tribune. In its policy of cutting corners, the Tribune has debuted a new format. Imagine if the National Enquirer were combined with My Weekly Reader. Well, it is now available at Chicago newstands.

The NEW Tribune has big pictures with little stories. So a picture is not only worth a thousand words, it is also much cheaper. Even the truncated stories are in a more elementary prose. What a compliment to my reading comprehension and attention span.

The old Tribune was a repellent reactionary but–like Henry James–it was properly dressed and grammatical. This new Tribune has lost none of its bias but it now is a garish lout. There is a difference between being cheap and sleazy. As a further affront to my intelligence, the Tribune is bellowing how fashionable and up-to-date this format is. Really….imbecile chic. The Tribune’s new format has all the charm and style of truckstop gonorrhrea.

HIGH (VERY HIGH) SCHOOL MUSICAL

Speaking of venereal diseases, the drama class of a local high school will be performing “Rent.” Yes, the pampered teenagers of Highland Park, Illinois will be portraying a multi-libidinal assortment of AIDs-afflicted drug addicts living in slums. I don’t think that the production is supposed to be a parody–although in this version I expect Mimi and Musetta to be discussing whether “Crate & Barrel” or “Williams-Sonoma” makes the better heroin cooker.

Now, I don’t consider myself a prude. I have been known to use gonorrhea as a punchline. BUT is “Rent” a suitable choice for a high school play? I certainly don’t think that the high school repertoire should be limited to “Our Town“. Believe me, I have endured the opposite extreme. At my Chicago high school, the faculty advisor of the National Honor Society presented us with a choice of two topics for our induction: a tribute to either Walt Disney or Bob Hope. (So a musical tribute to venereal disease and drugs would have been out of the question.)

However, I think that other musicals might be more suitable for sophisticated teenagers and their naive parents. With Cole Porter, you have wonderful music, dazzling wit and–if the teenagers demand prurience–barely disguised alcoholism and homosexuality. The high school production can even augment Rodgers and Hammerstein with a little post-modern perspective: insinuate Captain von Trapp is molesting his children.

But “Rent” is just too sordid; however, I could offer this compromise. This would be the same basic story except the setting is now 1840s Paris, the derelicts are now artists, and we change AIDs to the far more appealing tuberculosis. I could even recommend a musical score to go with it.

American Greetings 2Q profit falls 73 pct on costs
Associated Press

Sep 26th, 2008 | PORTLAND, Ore. — American Greetings Corp. said Friday that second-quarter profit dropped 73 percent on lower margins and higher costs as the greeting card company invested in products to drive sales growth.

Profit dropped to $2.3 million, or 5 cents per share, in the three months ended Aug. 29 from $8.4 million, or 15 cents per share, a year ago. Sales rose 2.2 percent to $385.8 million from $377.5 million a year earlier.

The company’s best-selling cards may have been harbingers of the current economic situation.

The most popular Mother’s Day cards said, “Thanks for nothing” and “Why Did You Even Bother?”

Popular birthday cards expressed such sentiments “If you received this card, at least you still have an address” and “Can you pay me back for this card and the stamp?” The best-selling sympathy card read, “I wish it had been me.”

In response to the economic downturn, American Greetings is introducing a new line that should prove popular: a combination Christmas card and resumé.

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Once Congressional leaders agreed on the $700 billion Wall Street welfare program, Senator John McCain descended from the ceiling to take credit–and applause–for everyone else’s work.

“Yes, my friends, my selfless example of putting patriotism over politics has been the inspiration for you all. I can’t stress enough how selfless I have been, suspending my campaign because my country needed my economic leadership. I understand the meaning of $ 700 billion; that is like marrying Cindy 3500 times. But I would make that sacrifice for America.”

When asked the specific details of his economic leadership, the Senator reached for his index cards and replied, “Regardless of what Senator Obama believes, I support the decimal system. I would never shortchange the American people by making the dollar worth three quarters. That one quarter might not mean much to my opponent but it does to millions of American children–children that Senator Obama would have aborted. And just for their quarters.”

Senator Obama denied any intentions to kill millions of children for their allowances, although he could offer no disproof of it. However, he did use a dictionary to demonstrate that a three-quarter dollar would be illogical. He was subsequently denounced for elitist arrogance in having a dictionary and flaunting his mastery of fractions.

Transcript of Genseric’s testimony to the Roman Senate

Senators of Rome. There is no point in telling you that your glorious city has been sacked. Being King of the Vandals, I can speak with an objective perspective: Rome has nothing left to steal. But this is not the time to look for culprits. We must look to the future and restore a Rome that once again is worth looting.

So I am asking you for at least 700 billion denarii to rebuild and revitalize Rome. Believe me, I know exactly what the Vandals have done. Because this is an emergency, I will require your complete cooperation. No questions, no supervision, no appeals to the Pope. In fact, I will require his powers as well.

Some of you–on the left side of the Curia–might question a Vandal’s reliability. And that is exactly the type of question that can be divisive and unproductive. So, as I said, no questions. Some of you might think that the Vandals could lend Rome the money. Well, yes, we have had a good year–that is just a coincidence–but the upkeep of a barbarian horde can be expensive. And unless we sack Constantinople, next year’s profits will definitely be down. So, despite our sentimental attachment to this city, we Vandals will not be investing in Rome. No, you Romans have to make the effort and scrounge up your last denarii.

I just am here to spend it for you.

“Don’t think of it as extortion,” said Secretary of the Treasury Paulson of his “don’t ask, just pay” demand for $700 billion dollars to bail out Wall Street’s current embarrassment. “You are investing in a ransom.”

Congressional Democrats objected to Paulson’s insistence on dictatorial authority in carrying out the financial rescue. Republicans countered that their plan already was a generous compromise: “We are not going to blame the Jews.” However, with the Democrats’ insistence on relief for homeowners, the Bush administration responded with a new economic plan: the Secure Employment and Resettlement Foundation.

Under the SERF system, anyone who lost a home would be welcome to stay on the private estates of designated participants. In return for this free housing, the guests would be obliged to express their thanks with a little work: cleaning pools or moats, yard work, windows, crops. In certain locations, the SERF assignments would include building walls along the Mexican and Canadian borders.

Guests can be reassured: SERF housing and employment would be in perpetuity. The system includes a food plan–and it is a dietitian’s dream: all the advantages of root vegetables and none of the risks of meat. As for healthcare, life expectancy would not be an issue.

When asked if the SERF system would pay its workers the minimum wage, the White House replied, “You don’t need to pay your guests.” The editorial page of the Wall Street Journal praised the plan, noting that it had been used in a previous Dark Ages “And look how well things turned out.”

With the Tribune Cubs’ triumph in their regional division, Chicago is indulging in delusions of adequacy. Will this be the Cubs’ year to win the World Series? It has only been a century. At least, there are people who remember the team’s last pennant. It was in 1945–when the Cubs were playing against Italian prisoners-of-war.

Yes, the Cubs were competing against teams that were playing bocce. But at least the Italians were the most compatible for baseball. The Germans made miserable players; it is hard to run to base when goosestepping. Worse, in their interpretation of the rules, they were allowed to kill men left on base. (It turned out that Nietzsche had never written anything about baseball.)

The Japanese prisoners proved just as inappropriate. If the game was scheduled at 1 p.m., the Japanese would start at noon; they called it Surprise Baseball. Yet, while the Japanese had a remarkable advantage in the first inning, their games rarely lasted past the fourth. They had the habit of killing themselves if they struck out. It must be mentioned that that the Japanese fielders were very good at camouflage. One of their players remained undiscovered in the Wrigley outfield until 1987.

In any case, today’s Chicago Cubs are ready to play–preferably against the same players of 1945.

In case you are interested and have the money, Meryl Streep and Al Pacino are available for the remake of “Ma and Pa Kettle Go To Town.” You can’t quite envision any demand for that? Apparently, you were not at the studio meeting that made the brilliant decision to remake “The Women.”

You have seen the original–or at least 15 minutes of it. Made in 1939, it is one of those cute if quaint movies you stumble upon at Turner Classic Movies. You enjoy the arch but clever dialogue from the all-female cast–Rosalind Russell, Joan Crawford, Paulette Goddard, Joan Fontaine–although you can’t quite recognize the star. (Her name was Norma Shearer.) You might wonder if any one of them is still alive: Joan Fontaine thanks you for your concern. And someday you intend to see the entire film…if only you can remember to tape it.

But this was the movie that Hollywood just had to remake. Updated to reflect our less constrained and more cosmopolitan society–venereal but with ethnic diversity–the film stars Meg Ryan (and her collagen), Annette Bening, Debra Messing, Jada Pinkett Smith and Eva Mendes. As for the results–both critical and box office–you can sense the disaster from the desperate tone of the advertising “blurbs” for the film.

“Punctual“–The New York Times

“Mommy Looks Pretty“–Eva Beatty

“If Eva Mendes Doesn’t Have a Green Card, She Certainly Deserves One“–The National Review

“Norma Shearer is Great“–Larry King

First, today is the second anniverary of this website. So far, I have yet to make a noticeable inroad on the New Yorker’s circulation. Maybe next year. I owe many my thanks for their encouragement and comments. And the rest of you at least should wish me a happy anniversary.

And now for today’s lesson in linguistics and hypocrisy.

After an edifying summer working as an intern at my wife’s place of employment, the college student refrained from killing anyone. On the contrary, he actually wrote thank-you notes and my wife received one. (His script was legible, his writing grammatical, and his prose articulate–it is hard to believe that he was born within the last 30 years.) If you were not amazed by his anachronistic literacy and courtesy, you had to be impressed by his stationery–embossed with the name and logo of his college: Stanford.

The logo included the school motto: “Die Luft der Freiheit Weht.” I knew that Stanford was conservative but this was intimidating. Being a prurient intellectual, I had to learn what that Teutonism meant. The translation is “the wind of freedom blows.” Since it is German, it could be an expletive.

My next question was “Who first said it?” The answer is Ulrich von Hutter–a 16th century poet who now is so obscure that he really was a $2000 question on Jeopardy. Hutter’s quote was a reference to the Reformation. Ironically, Hutter said it in Latin: “videtis illam spirare libertais aurum.” The Latin was good enough for Hutter–and everyone else for 350 years, but then a Stanford president translated it into his linguistic specialty–German–and made it the school motto.

In 1891, German seemed a respectable if unorthodox choice for a school motto. However time-honored, Latin was effete and archaic; German was the language of modern science and philosophy. On the other hand, Caligula did not sink the Lusitania. Yes, Julius Caesar had invaded Belgium and France, but he did not violate any treaties in doing so. So in 1917, Stanford claimed that it did not have an official school motto; that German garble was just a 26-year-long misimpression.

(Actually, I am surprised that Stanford did not simply claim that “Die Luft der…” is not German but Northern Swiss.)

In 1923, Stanford resumed using that misimpression as its school motto. Of course, 18 years later the school again had to explain its motto. This time it did not deny some acquaintance with the phrase. Yes, it was German–but it was good German. Ulrich von Hutter had never been a Nazi; that certainly was an advantage of dying in 1523. (And he died of syphilis–which is quite a democratic disease.) So anyone who criticized Stanford’s school motto was siding with the Germans!

Yes, you can see why Stanford is the Republican think tank.

If you are not familiar with LinkedIn, well neither am I. I know that it is some sort of “network” that is supposed to promote me in all my glory to a world eager to employ me. Presumably the ensuing riches will surpass whatever LinkedIn would charge me. Several people have asked me to join their circus of connections and I am usually too polite to refuse.

Today, however, is an exception. Through the LinkedIn standard form, a woman asked me to join her connections. But I feel somewhat reluctant because I hate her. She used to send me Anti-Semitic letters and literature. No, I did not meet her at a Nuremberg rally. She is a fan of Jeopardy, if not Jews. You have to marvel at my luck with psychotic groupies. Clint Eastwood gets Jessica Walters, Michael Douglas gets Glenn Close…but I get Mel Gibson in drag.

She denounced Jews for thinking “they’re special” and “better than anyone else” , and she saw no reason for our continued existence. However, at least she did not blame me for killing Jesus. As far as she was concerned, he was just another loudmouth Jew who got what he deserved.

Now, for your RDA of Irony: she is a Jew. But she apparently thought I should either agree with her self-loathing or absolve her of it. While I am not a qualified psychiatrist, I would have recommended a tallith for a straitjacket. After a few attempts at civil discourse, I told her that she had every right to be self-loathing but not to blame the Jews for it. Did she take the hint? No, I evidently was too Talmudically subtle.

And she still thinks that I would want to be one of her connections.