Improving Barack’s Image
Within the next week or two, Faux News will broadcast a story suggesting that Senator Obama has raised money for his campaign by robbing liquor stores. A video recording will show a suspect who vaguely resembles the Democrat. As Brit Hume will conclude, “If it is not Barack Obama, it most certainly is a relative and political contributor.”
In the meantime, Senator Obama finds himself facing these three accusations.
First, he is a Muslim and we now have the photo to prove it. By now, you likely have that photo of the Senator dressed in a Somali costume when visiting that country. The garb allegedly reveals his true theological loyalties. In fact, I think that it makes him look like Butterfly McQueen. (Clarence Thomas will be so jealous.) That should lull the Right Wing’s fears of Black Men; although he would be even more acceptable if he dressed like Hattie McDaniel.
And, to allay those rumors of him being Muslim, he should start wearing a three-foot crucifix.
Second, he has proved himself unpatriotic by not singing with the national anthem. Of course, no one can sing our national anthem. The Chord Strangled Banner is a voice-straining series of contortions. We really should have an anthem within the human vocal range. After the last seven years, I’d recommend “Anything Goes.” However, if we demand that Obama attempt all forty-eight octaves of the song, he may have to undergo a surgical procedure that was a prerequisite for the Byzantine civil service. The Presidency may be worth the pain of sounding like Chris Matthews.
Third, Obama is unpatriotic because he does not wear an American flag on his lapel. At the risk of needing bigger lapels, Mr. Obama should wear the flags of all fifty states, the decals of major league baseball teams, and the Pillsbury Bake-Off’s winning recipe for apple pie. He should also have a tattoo of Mount Rushmore, with Ronald Reagan’s head included. Of course, all this paraphernalia could lead to a hernia and may be unnecessary. One single image can fully express the Conservative’s loyalty to this country. So Barak Obama should wear on his lapel the Confederate flag.
[…] Second, he has proved himself unpatriotic by not singing with the national anthem. Of course, no one can sing our national anthem. The Chord Strangled Banner is a voice-straining series of contortions. We really should have an anthem within the human vocal range. After the last seven years, I’d recommend “Anything Goes.†However, if we demand that Obama attempt all forty-eight octaves of the song, he may have to undergo a surgical procedure that was a prerequisite for the Byzantine civil service. The Presidency may be worth the pain of sounding like Chris Matthews. MORE […]