FinermanWorks

I was not named for St. Eugene but December 30th is his feast day. Here is what the Catholic Encyclopedia had to say about him.

St. Eugene
Feastday: December 30
unknown

Bishop of Milan, Italy, not documented at this time.

Well, that is edifying….Of course, I am relieved to know that he was not one of those medieval maniacs: “Converted Southern France by depopulating it.”

However, I do enjoy reading about the creative martyrdoms the exasperated Romans inflicted on those annoying saints. “Within three minutes of meeting Eugenius, Marcus Aurelius lost his temper and ordered that the complete works of Aristophanes be tattooed on the bishop’s tongue.”

Unfortunately, this Eugenius seems to be the patron saint of anonymity. Perhaps I can ghostwrite his hagiography, but Milan is not exactly an interesting place. If you had to have appendicitis in Italy, I really would recommend Milan; in Rome or Florence the doctors would take a three hour lunch in the middle of your surgery. (In Naples, the doctors would ship you to Rome or Florence…by bus.) Otherwise, Milan is just Zurich with pasta.

So, what could St. Eugenius have done there….

And, lo with one liter of gelato he did cure the models of Versace of anorexia.

On this day in 1170, initial reports indicated that Thomas Becket had been murdered in Canterbury Cathedral by four Norman barons acting on the orders of King Henry II. Henry refused to comment, pending the investigation which would begin as soon as a panel of six literates could be found in 12th century England. The panel, chaired by Eleanor of Aquitaine, ruled that Becket’s death was an accident.

Becket apparently had been shaving himself with four swords when his hand must have slipped…repeatedly.

On “Larry King Live” last night a panel of experts tried to explain to Larry the difference between Pakistani, Indians, Native Americans and Armenians. By the end of the hour, it was established that Mike Conners is actually Armenian and that it would be unhealthy for Esther Williams to go swimming in the Ganges.

And while journalists speculated that Benazir Bhutto was pregnant with Kevin Federline’s child, the presidential candidates offered their insights on the death of the Pakistani leader and the ensuing political crisis.

Rudy Guiliani: If I had been President, she’d still be alive.

Barak Obama: Whenever I feel afraid, I hold my head erect and whistle a happy tune. Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.

Fred Thompson: This is a British problem. It’s their empire. I’m sure Errol Flynn can handle it.

Hillary Clinton: Fox News taught me how to duck.

Willard Romney: I remember my father marching with Gandhi. And I have photos to prove it this time. What do mean that’s Lord Mountbatten?

John Edwards: I am more concerned about that poor, underpaid carpenter who made her coffin. The neglected undertaker’s assistant who is sweeping out the funeral home. I want to be their President, too.

Mike Huckabee: Who was she?

NBC extended the life of Benazir Bhutto by one hour this morning. While the other channels were reporting the Pakistani leader’s assassination, the Today Show did not want to disrupt its holiday theme. ABC’s Good Morning America could delay an interview with a veterinarian and his pet pug to report on Bhutto’s murder and its calamitous implications. BUT NBC’s audience saw Ann Curry’s interview with an “inspirational” basketball coach, followed by her visit with a chef and then a profound discussion with Willard Scott about “being home for the holidays.”

Really, the Today Show could have shown a little journalistic responsibility, and tried integrating the news into the show. For instance, Willard Scott could have announced, “And guess who now won’t be 100 years young!” Perhaps Ann Curry could have asked the guest chef, “Do you know any Moslem funeral dishes?”

Finally, at 9 a.m. Central Time, NBC decided that Benazir Bhutto’s current health was worth mentioning. Her death was one of three reported stories, the other two being a tiger attack in San Francisco and “a miracle rescue” of an 12 year-old American girl in Panama.

NBC should change its logo from a peacock to a dodo.

On this day in 1776, George Washington proved himself to be an immoral secular humanist by ruining a British Christmas party. While the Hessian garrison in Trenton, New Jersey was celebrating the birth of Jesus by compressing the 12 days of Christmas into one hangover, the irreverent Continental army crossed the Delaware River and attacked. We all know the painting of that Freemason Washington standing in a boat as his men rowed to battle. Of course, truly devout Americans would have walked upon the water.

Yes, the Americans won that day, but the Continental Congress should have disavowed such godless cheating. Why wasn’t George Washington court-martialed for his impiety? In fact, as an apology to Jesus, we should have called the Revolution off.

VIRGIN BIRTH: FLUKE OR NEW TREND

Is the Halo Worth the Stretch Marks?

NAZARETH—What’s a girl to do? You want to settle down and have a family. But all the really “hunk” lawyers, Pharisees and commodity traders are in Jerusalem, and you’re stuck in Nazareth. Do you have to settle for some kindly but dull Joe?

Not according to Miriam. She believes that virgin birth is an appealing alternative to the singles scene. “This way you’ll really know if you met Mr. Right,” insisted Miriam.

Of course, not everyone likes the immaculate concept. “It’s not that easy, even if you are,” disputed Miriam’s own sister Marla. “You still have to be cute. God won’t want a dog in a manger.”

HEARD IN THE FORUM
New Management, New Image for LORD & Co.

How to Teach an Old Dogma New Tricks

JERUSALEM—In a land this poor, it is not surprising that the Jews could not afford more than one God. Nor could the choosing people offer their deity the customary “perks” of divinity. Their generic God has to be invisible: it saves a fortune in marble. The Almighty can also forget about hosting theater, orgies and gladiator games. Here Heaven has a low overhead.

The question is can this religion be marketed? Gaius Phelonius of the Janus Theology Fund sees the potential. “Paganism is a headache. You have to sacrifice to all these Gods. You forget one, and you end up in a Greek tragedy. Now, if you had one all-purpose God, and a very cost-conscious one at that, think of what you’ll save in this world and the next.

“Monotheism can sell. Our focus groups show a decline in brand loyalty. People don’t see a real difference between Ceres and Isis. This is the biggest market erosion since the collapse of the Mother Earth cult. The public is ready for a change, and they are going to love this product. Think of it: a God with morals. A deity you can trust with your daughter.”

Phelonius did concede that monotheism had certain image problems. “All right, in terms of charisma, He’s no Apollo. That can be overcome. He’ll seem more likable if He has a wife and Son. The real challenge is to make Him less ethnic. Right now, he’s a little too East Coast. His idiosyncrasies about pork and foreskins won’t sell in Ephesus or Corinth. But it’s only a question of packaging.”

December XXV, Annum I

U.F.O. SIGHTED OVER BETHLEHEM

Emperor Stresses Need for Star Wars Program

Three Eastern Bloc Scientists Arrested

ROME—While school children were being instructed in the use of catacombs as fallout shelters, the panicked Senate investigated reports of a technological breakthrough in Parthian air power. The sightings of U.F.O.s over Judea prompted the Emperor Gustus to call for the development of bigger catapults.

At a mosaics opportunity for his head start program for gladiator schools, the Emperor responded to the reporters’ questions by blaming the previous administration of Marc Antony. “It was wasting money on aqueducts and roads when we should have been working on the Satyr catheter.” A palace spokesman later insisted that the Emperor said “Saturn catapult.”

The spokesman refused to confirm reports of the detention of three Parthian magi. Reliable sources on the Senate Intelligence Committee indicated that the three were terrorists posing as a scientific mission.

There remains some doubt as to whether the Parthians actually have achieved air superiority. According to some shepherds in fields as they lay, the aircraft resembled a new star and a host of angels. That bucolic perspective was dismissed by defense analyst Pyrrhus Victorius. “Very few of those shepherds studied aerodynamics at Alexandria or Athens.”

For those of you who care: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Yes, I do observe Christmas–if only as a safety precaution. Look, the Cossacks want to celebrate with us…or on us.

Some of you may be curious as to why my ancestors turned down Christianity when it was an IPO. To be honest, it was a question of marketing. We really didn’t need a “new and improved monotheism” when we still were under the original warranty. Furthermore, Jesus was not really addressing our major problem. It was charming that He could cure lepers but what was He doing about the Romans? The Judeans wanted an exterminator, not a carpenter.

Finally and unforgivably, there was that problem with catering. What is the point of fish and loaves without cream cheese? If you going to perform a miracle, do it right!

Nonetheless, Merry Christmas.

Eugene

BOSTON - Mitt Romney, who earlier this year had to backpedal on his hunting exploits, is explaining himself again after claiming he witnessed his father in civil rights marches he could not have seen.

“It’s a figure of speech,” Romney said Thursday after media inquiries into the Republican presidential contender’s statement

Plowrut, Iowa: Speaking before the local VFW, Willard Romney recalled seeing the Japanese surrender to his father. “In fact, the Emperor personally offered me his throne, but Dad felt that I should finish college first.”

Witchburn, New Hampshire: Addressing a junior high school history class, Willard Romney proudly remembered seeing his father build the Erie Canal. “Dad was tireless despite having a hand cramp from writing the Declaration of Independence.”

Pleasant Haven, Massachusetts: Telling everyone on the nursing home staff, Willard Romney bragged how his father wrote the Magna Carta. “And it was my idea to add ‘Under God’ to each paragraph.”