New and Improved Statistics
Using a new method to number military casualties, the White House has announced that no American soldiers have been killed in Iraq. While handing out “Yea Surge” T-shirts, Assistant Press Secretary Deigna Pariah explained the actuarial enhancement.
“We will only count the soldiers killed by scimitars. You find those curly swords only in the Middle East. However, bullets and bombs are everywhere. How do we really know that our soldiers wouldn’t have been shot or blown up in Kansas or Greenland even if they had never gone to Iraq! So only scimitars count and, so far, they haven’t hurt a single soldier.”
This new accounting was approved by the Supreme Court in a 5 to 4 decision.