Inherit the Windbag
“OPRAH OPENS SCHOOL IN SOUTH AFRICA”
Following the precepts of its founder, patroness and deity, the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy offers a curriculum based on Oprah’s adaptation of the Socratic method. The instructor-known as the Oprahator– presents profound and probing questions, and then hugs the students–breaking their ribs. Preoccupied with their pain and trying to breathe, the students can’t get a word in edgewise.
The curriculum of West Point now includes a course on Oprah’s tactics, despite their obvious violation of the Geneva Convention. Of special interest to military historians was Oprah’s conquest in France. (Even the Germans are envious.) As you recall, the manager of Hermes refused to let Oprah in after the store had closed. Oprah then announced her intention to destroy France.
France immediately capitulated. Le President Chirac grovelled, “Heroic resistance to a demanding barbarian is completely out of French character. We will gladly change Hermes’ store hours to collaborate with Ms. Winfrey. We did the same for Hermann Goering, who by the way wore the same dress size as Oprah.”
In related atonement, the French government offered to move the Eiffel Tower to suit Oprah’s feng shui. France then gave Oprah carte blanche. Complying with her demand Napoleon’s Tomb was opened, so that she could give a little fellow a hug. Oprah, however, was disappointed with the accommodations of Notre Dame. The baptism font was too small for a bath and Oprah did not like the scent of the candles.
Hoping to make amends, the Catholic Church arranged to have Jesus as a guest on Oprah’s show….
Oprah: We have so much in common.
Jesus: Yes….
Oprah: I just love your Beatitudes. Let’s hear them.
Jesus: Blessed are the meek….
Oprah: Thank you. I bless you, too. Have you ever tried bathing with scented candles?
Jesus: No. The candles would keep slipping into the Jordan River.
Oprah: I understand you had issues with your father. We’ve all been there. If you feel like crying, I’ll hug you.
Jesus: Well….
Oprah: How many people heard your Sermon on the Mount?
Jesus: 300?
Oprah: Honey, I’ve got that twice that many TV stations. Did you like me better in “The Color Purple” or “Beloved”?