FinermanWorks

Dear Karl,

I have repeatedly begged them, but the Iraqis won’t delay the execution until the next State of the Union speech. We will just have to catch Osama bin Laden if we want similar theatrics.

But here is some good news! The Iraqis will let us have Saddam’s body. I just need to talk to the Disney folks about animatronics for the corpse.� That would be so much better than just taxidermy. It can be programmed to dance, say funny things or admit to any crimes we want. Now just imagine the Saddamatron in the Oval Office! The President will have hours of fun with it, making his Saddam talk and move.� I’d feel sorry for the batteries on the remote control.

And who wouldn’t want to be photographed with the Saddamatron. Think of what we could charge. That would probably pay for the Iraq War, if we didn’t need the money for the defense lawyers: damn Democratic Congress.

I think that there is one problem, however. Italy might want the body. It is a question of vendetta–and the Bush family can certainly appreciate a grudge.

Here’s what happened. In 260 the Roman Emperor Valerian evidently was looking for weapons of mass destruction in Persia. Boy did he and his army find them! At least, the Emperor survived but as a prisoner. The Persian Shah used Valerian as a footstool. Since it was not a pampered captivity, Valerian soon died and then began his second career. He was stuffed and mounted as a public trophy.

So the Italians do have a claim on Saddam. Maybe we can let them have the body after the President leaves office. Unless he wants the Saddamatron in the Presidential Library. In that case, maybe we can offer the Italians the Lincolnmatron. Put a toga on him and he could pass for Marcus Aurelius.

Yours,

Eugene

I’d wish you a Happy 2007 but I’d be at least four years too late!

According to the most charitable calculation, next year will be A.D. 2011. The mistake dates back to the early sixth century. Until then, even the Church was using the pagan calendar. That chronology was based on the legendary founding of Rome; as a cross-reference, it also cited the reign of the prevailing tyrant. For example, if you check the Vatican archives, the notarized date for the Nicene Creed would read “in the 1,078th year of Rome and in the 19th year of Constantine.” Western Civilization obviously needed a shorter and less pagan date.

In the 1278th year of Rome (alias A.D. 525), the church finally converted its calendar. The new chronology, based upon the birth of Jesus, was calculated by a mathematical monk named Dionysius Exiguus. Dionysius is not the most trustworthy name for a mathematician or a monk. In fairness, however, the poor guy was doing division with Roman numerals. It is amazing that his chronology was wrong by only four years. The Church apparently caught the error, because Dionysius was not made a saint. Yet, it never corrected that mistake. The Church seems to be quite ecumenical about arithmetic.

Ironically, the Reformation never brought up the mistake, either. You would have thought that Martin Luther would have rubbed it in. The boisterous German described one Pope as a syphilitic dung beetle, so he hardly would be shy about an accounting discrepancy. Yet, on this subject, Luther was discreet. Jean Calvin and John Knox were also surprisingly silent. You would expect them to wish you a Dour but mathematically precise New Year.

So, apparently all of Christendom is going along on the cover-up. Then so will I. (I don’t want to incite another 1900 years of persecution.) 2007 it is–and have a Happy One.

Eugene

What Christmas gift can you give the man who has everything–or at least control of France, Germany and Italy? That was the challenge confronting Pope Leo III. You just couldn’t give Charlemagne a Christmas card. It would only remind the Warlord that he was illiterate. Charlemagne was a widower, so there was no point in offering him a gift card for an annulment. Then Leo thought of the perfect gift for his Frankish friend. True, Leo had to steal it; but a Pope can always absolve himself.

So, on Christmas Day in 800, the Pope proclaimed Charlemagne as the Holy Roman Emperor. Unfortunately, Charlemagne was not pleased with his fancy new title. Western Europe’s King was not ostentatious, and he certainly was uncomfortable with a “hot” crown. The real owner–in Constantinople–would certainly object.

The Pope–looking perfectly innocent, which should be a prerequisite for the job– had a perfect rationale for his crowning presumption. He had only made Charlemagne an Emperor; the reigning sovereign in Constantinople was named Irene. The Empress Irene was a widow, which she probably arranged; so there was no Byzantine male to contest the role of Emperor. (Irene had a son, but she had him ousted, blinded and killed; to her credit, she never harmed her grandchildren–who happened to be girls–and one would become Empress.)

In proclaiming Charlemagne to be Emperor, the Pope was not criticizing Irene. On the contrary, the Church liked her. When Irene overthrew her son and seized the throne, Pope Leo had congratulated her. That unfortunate young Emperor, like his conveniently dead father, had been proponents of Iconoclasm, a dogma condemned by the Roman branch of Christendom. Irene, however, agreed with the Roman reverence for art; she certainly preferred icons to her family.

Of course, with her aesthetic refinement, Irene would not have appreciated sharing the most prestigious title in Christendom with an illiterate warlord. The Byzantines refused to recognize Charlemagne’s title. Frankly (sorry about that), neither did Charlemagne. To legitimize his Imperial rank–and make an honest man of himself, Charlemagne offered to marry Irene.
The Empress was not flattered or tempted: she declined the proposal.

Given Irene’s family history, Charlemagne probably was lucky. At least, he lived another 14 years. His Empire did not last much longer than he did: squabbling grandsons whose ambitions surpassed their competence shredded it into warring states. For another three centuries however, Byzantium would remain the greatest power (and only civilized one) in Christendom.

Its only rival was, ironically, the Roman Church. When Pope Leo III assumed the right to appoint and crown an Emperor, he had also given the Church the perfect Christmas gift: authority over the temporal world.

None of your gifts will be that good, but try to enjoy the holidays anyway.

I will be having a traditional Christmas. No, I won’t be hanging from Mel Gibson’s tree but I will be watching Turner Classic Movies.

Among my favorite movies of the season is “King of Kings”. It is quite a spectacle, opening with a grandiloquent narration by Orson Welles –”And lo, the Romans descending like a plague of locust…” setting the scene of a brutalized, oppressed people in need of a liberating Messiah.

But then we get to see the Messiah. It’s Jeffrey Hunter: “Whoa, Dude! Let’s go surfing on the Sea of Galilee!” I was a little disappointed that the rest of cast was inconsistent with “Beach Blanket Bible“. Imagine Troy Donahue as John the Baptist, Annette as Mary Magdalene and James Darren as “Moon Doggie” Pilate. Buddy Hackett and Keenan Wynn could have been the High Priests.

“And with two hamburgers and one cheese pizza He was able to feed 5,000.”

Aside from the ludicrous casting of Jeffrey Hunter as Jesus, “King of Kings” also had Robert Ryan as John the Baptist. Mr. Ryan actually was a fine actor but he specialized in playing soft-spoken psychopaths. I was rather anxious that his John the Baptist would try drowning his converts.

Now before I am denounced for persecuting Jeffrey Hunter, I will concede that Jesus is a hard role to cast. Jesus is usually played by aesthetic-looking souls: H.B. Warner, Max von Sydow (yumping yimminy) and Robert Powell. However, they don’t exactly seem sturdy enough to be carpenters; perhaps that is why Jesus sought a less physical second career.

Jeffrey Hunter was not really a bad actor; it is just that “All-American boys” were rather rare in first century Judea. You might know that Hunter was the original Captain Kirk in “StarTrek” and starred in the pilot. However, some scheduling problems required him to abandon the role which then was given to William Shatner.

Ironically, Mr. Shatner would have made a more plausible Jesus–at least in filling the role of a stocky Semite. However, it might have been difficult to find 12 Apostles who could stand Shatner.

It must be Christmas. I am seeing Chia commercials. The new product line include Chia for pets. I am a little disappointed that the manufacturers have not come out with the
Chia Nativity Scene:

Just add water and in four days you’ll see beards on the Magi, Joseph and the baby Jesus. (You know about Semites and body hair!)

What, no holiday cards from any of you! When I was a bachelor–and couldn’t incriminate anyone else with my subversive taste–I used to design my holiday cards.

For instance, I came up with a tabloid called “The Nativity Enquirer.” The lead story was “Virgin Sues God in Palimony Case.”

“BUSH:  U.S. NEEDS TO INCREASE ARMY SIZE”

“WASHINGTON - President Bush says the U.S. needs to increase the size of Army and Marines, and says strategy and tactics in Iraq will change to meet the situation on the ground.”

Taller soldiers and marines might either impress or intimidate the Iraqis into behaving themselves. Halliburton has just received the contract to supply growth hormones to our troops.

Our enlisted men will also receive “male enhancement” drugs. This will be part of a new enlistment drive to recruit gay officers. As Mary Cheney had tried to tell her father, Alexander the Great won in Iraq.