FinermanWorks

As the chief of the neighborhood, it was Massasoit’s responsibility to get rid of the Europeans. They could not be ignored. The Hurons to the North had tried coexisting with their intruders, those who seem to call themselves the “Mondieux”. Now the poor Hurons were being enslaved to strange rituals, serving red wine with muskrat but white wine with pelican.

If these Europeans were so meticulous about food, Massasoit would use their obsessive quirks against them. He would convince these aliens that the local food was disgusting, so they might as well leave. He plotted the most inedible menu and then brought over the abominations as gifts.

The main course was what the tribe called mutant chicken. None of the locals would eat anything that ugly. For a side dish, there were bog berries. Those tongue-shriveling fruits were said to be healthy, but most people preferred scurvy. The most laughable squash and roots were passed off as delicacies rather than weeds. Finally, and most cruel of all, the Europeans were served maize. That alone should have sent them fleeing home for dental floss.

But to Massasoit’s amazement, these Europeans were impervious to this awful parody of a meal. He had failed to realize that these were different Europeans. Yes, the Mondieux would have been horrified; but these aliens were called English, and they had no tastebuds or teeth.

They were here to stay.

“I think that it is essential to instill in America’s children the principles and practices of capitalism,” Newt Gingrich exclaimed as he was being led away in handcuffs for stealing cookies from Girl Scouts.  His latest legal problems have somewhat eroded his lead as the Republican frontrunner.  He is now fourth behind Eczema and Mitt Romney.  The new frontrunner is the late Natalie Wood.

Conservatives have rallied behind her, asserting that she exemplifies their bare bones approach to government.  In response to concerns about Ms. Wood’s health, her supporters note that she is as articulate as Herman Cain, and certainly more animate than Mr. Romney.  Ms. Wood’s performance in “West Side Story’ has raised the question that she was an illegal alien.  However, Anne Coulter could reassure her audience that “Puerto Ricans are legal.  We own them.  Besides, that Maria character was not really Hispanic, just some gay Jews’ idea of one.”

Marnie Nixon is available to dub Ms. Wood’s inaugural address.

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic events of this week.

November 20:  The Moderate Bunch  http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/11/20/the-moderate-bunch/

November 21:  Babysitting with Bismarck  http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2008/11/21/why-otto-von-bismarck-is-not-confused-with-dr-spock-2/

November 22:  The Patron Saint of Music  http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/11/21/misery-chord-2/

November 23:  If You Missed the Obituary  http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/11/23/on-this-day-in-1503-2/

November 24:  The Origin of Darwin http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/11/24/infamy-or-obscurity-2/

November 25:  So, I owe you one…

November 26:  Make that two.

November 17, 1869:  the Suez Canal is open for business.

Several years ago, I wrote an article on the construction of the Suez Canal.  In my research I read the New York Times’ coverage of the politics and theatrics that were inevitable in the engineering feat.  Even more amazing than building a hundred mile long canal through the desert is the fact that the prose style of the Times has not changed in 150 years.  The Times was unbelievably pompous back then, too.

In his account of the Canal’s opening in 1869, the reporter found the gala celebration to be a wonderful excuse to talk about himself.  (Ironically, the reporter’s name is not identified, surprising discretion for a monumental megalomaniac.)  Apparently neither the canal’s builder Ferdinand de Lesseps nor the Viceroy of Egypt had a greater challenge or higher calling than to entertain the New York Times.  I am sorry to say that the Canal got a poor review, however.  The reporter had unsatisfactory seating in the parade of boats floating down the canal; the receptions were too crowded (the Empress of France and the Austrian Emperor were served food before the Times); the fireworks were too loud and garish.    If only Peter Sellars or at least Julie Taymor had been allowed to build the Suez Canal!

I also found the Times’ report of the debate in Parliament after Disraeli’s brilliant if probably illegal coup in acquiring the ownership of the Suez Canal in 1875.  The Viceroy of Egypt had gone bankrupt and, beset by creditors, he offered his share of the Canal for a relatively paltrey 4 million British pounds.  We can speculate why Disraeli had such a gift for buying wholesale,  but he certainly appreciated a bargain and seized the opportunity.  There was a rival offer from a French business consortium, but  Disraeli was prepared to outbid it.  However, the French offered ready money while Disraeli was handicapped by British banking hours.  The Bank of England was closed for the weekend.

But Disraeli was on excellent terms with the Rothschild family.   (Do I need to explain why?)  He went that evening to the home of his friend Lionel Rothschild and asked for the money.  The banker was finishing his dinner, enjoying a dessert of muscatel grapes.  He asked Disraeli what would be the collateral for the loan.  Disraeli replied, “the British government.”  Rothschild answered, “You shall have the money in the morning.”  In fact, the Rothschild loan was on better terms than the Bank of England could have offered.  The Rothschilds offered immediate money, the same rate of interest and–at no extra cost–assumed complete responsiblity for the transfer of the funds from London to the Viceroy himself.

So Britain acquired control of the Suez Canal, and Parliament learned about it in the newspapers.  (Disraeli did have the tact to tell Queen Victoria.)  Of course, Parliament would discuss the matter after the fact, but what could it do or say?  Cancel such a brilliant feat?  Yes, it could complain about the questionable legality of the purchase; but even the opposition  had to concede that the situation did not permit time for a debate.   Nonetheless, the Liberal leader William Gladstone felt obliged to raise one issue–how was the Viceroy of Egypt going to spend that money!

Gladstone expressed his fears that the money would be used to finance Egypt’s invasion of Ethopia.  Apparently Gladstone had just seen a production of  “Aida” and confused the opera’s plot with Egypt’s foreign policy.  Egypt had indeed attempted to conquer Sudan–and was losing.  The Egyptian losses were one of the chief reasons that the Viceroy was bankrupt.  Given the fact that the Viceroy already was losing one war, he was unlikely to start another.  However, this hypothetical situation was the chief complaint that Gladstone raised against acquiring the Suez Canal.

Finding the Times  coverage of this debate, I anticipated reading a dazzling rhetorical duel between the two great rivals of British politics.  Disraeli is still renowned for his wit, and I imagined him devastating the self-righteous, humorless Gladstone.  Yet, the Times story did not quote Disraeli at all.  He must have said something; he was never known for modesty or reticence.  But here he was at his political heights, and the Times did not bother noting what he had to say.  Only Gladstone’s pontifications were printed.  Imagine a movie review of “Duck Soup” but only Margaret Dumont is mentioned.

If the Times preferred Gladstone to Disraeli, the newspaper had a liberal bias even then.

p.s.  If you would like to read the article (and how can you resist), click on this link and go to page 26.  http://www.dixonvalve.com/fgal/publications/BOSS_fallwinter09_10_DIXBOS.pdf

Our local Veterans Day commemoration was to conclude with the audience singing “America the Beautiful”.  The lyrics–for all four verses–were distributed among us.  Of course, we knew the first verse by heart and our singing was loud, clear and enthusiastic, an affirmation of our patriotism and superior dentistry.

Then we began the second verse, which for most of us was an introduction.

O beautiful for pilgrim feet

Whose stern impassioned stress

You could hear in the audience’s tone and subsiding volume a sense of bewilderment.  Stern, impassioned feet?  Our singing now reflected a certain caution, as if dreading further dismay.

A thoroughfare for freedom beat

Across the wilderness.

America!  America!

Nothing really weird or incomprendible in that.  The audience felt reassured, and the singing resumed some gusto.

God mend thine ev’ry flaw

Confirm thy soul in self-control,

Thy liberty in law.

Anyone who was still singing had a question in his voice.  Self-control?  That is often a punchline alluding to a certain adolescent expression of wishful thinking that might cause carpal tunnel syndrome if not blindness.  The definition of self-control is not completely irrelevant to Veterans Day.  To maintain some purity among the enlisted men, the army and navy were said to add saltpeter to the rations.  However effective that ingredient was for the libido, it certainly suppressed our urge to sing.  There was no effort to lead us into the third verse, and amid the smirks and “huhs” the ceremony awkwardly ended.

But now I was confronted with this onanistic interpretation of American history.  Was our Western expansion merely therapy for teenagers?  Grab Mexican and Indian land instead of yourself!  Furthermore, I now considered the name of the song’s lyricist:  Katherine Lee Bates.  Was she confronting her own shameful suspicions that she was related to the very Master Bates who inspired wrist yoga?

Perhaps I should add saltpeter to my diet.

Let’s not forget the historic significance of this week.

November 13:  If you hate Ikea  http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/11/13/the-unready-2/

November 16:  A Lawyer’s Special  http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/11/16/monday-medieval-medley/

November 18:  When in Rome (allegedly)  http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/11/18/corporate-christi-2/

November 19:  Mediacracy http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/11/20/mediacracy/

Then

Mississippi Votes on Life at Conception Ballot Initiative

Hoping to demonstrate his conservative principles, Gov. Mitt Romney stated his belief that life begins at ovulation.  His rival–in his mind, anyway–Senator Rick Santorum took a slightly stronger position:  every woman who isn’t pregnant is a murderess.  Once he was told the meaning of ovulation, Gov. Rick Perry demanded the abolition of the FDA.  Upon a second explanation of ovulation, Gov. Perry giggled.  Herman Cain introduced his 9-9 plan–mandating each American’s production of nine children in nine years to surpass China’s population.  Michelle Bachmann denounced the Federal Reserve’s management of sperm banks.   Newt Gingrich declared that unfertilized ova were the leading cause of salmonella.  Ron Paul pretended his microphone wasn’t working.

But now

Mississippi Defeats Life at Conception Ballot Initiative

Mitt Romney announced that he had always been a supporter of Proception.  Rick Perry dismissed conception as a theory, noting that he never personally had one.  Herman Cain was personally offended by the obvious liberal bias of Merriam-Webster in placing menstruate so close to minstrel.  Michelle Bachmann said her husband could cure homophones.  Newt Gingrich noted that Fallopian is a foreign word, “the kind they use in socialist Europe.”  Rick Santorum would limit citizenship to infants produced by the missionary position; he was a little vague how that could be proved.  Ron Paul remembered when libertarians were considered lunatics.

Petrograd–November 7, 1917

Aleksandr Kerensky was setting up the chess board when Lenin came into the room. “Lenny, do want the black or white pieces?”

“It doesn’t matter, Al. We’re all pawns, anyway. I suppose you know the Bolsheviks are going to storm the Winter Palace and seize control of Russia.”

“I’ve seen the ads in the newspaper.”

“These theatrics aren’t my idea. John Reed’s the media consultant. He says I can’t get absolute power without absolute publicity. If the French went around singing ‘La Marseillaise,’ we couldn’t disappoint the reporters by not having a song of our own.
“Mind you, not just any revolutionary ditty would do. Reed had to test-market them all. Imagine five hundred peasants and workers being herded into an auditorium to determine whether they prefer ‘The Internationale’, ‘I Got Plenty of Nuttin’,’ or ‘Anything Goes’!
“And we couldn’t let the French get away with a media coup like storming the Bastille. So Reed has chartered a battleship to sail into downtown Petrograd and fire at the Winter Palace. Then ten thousand Bolshevik extras, waving red banners and praising dialectical materialism, will seize the place. Afterward, there’ll be the usual buffet supper and open bar for the press.”

“Sounds exciting, Lenny.”

“Reed’s not satisfied. He says the Bolsheviks lack charisma. I’ve had several memos about getting a toupee. And now Reed’s decided we won’t use real Communists to storm the Winter Palace. It seems that they just don’t convey the innocence and waiflike charm that Reed wants in a proletarian. We’re auditioning actors, instead. Could you have your friend Stanislavsky send over some of his students to topple the government?”

“Sure. It’ll be a nice change of pace from Chekhov.”

“Now, Al, you mustn’t tell your guards a little secret. They probably wouldn’t fire on a bunch of actors, and we need the casualties for the dramatic effect.”

“I don’t have any guards.”

“There’s no one to defend democracy in Russia?”

“Oh, maybe at a cocktail party, but you know how Russian liberals are. All they can do is write novels. Their idea of defense against a Bolshevik onslaught would be to make a sarcastic remark in French.”

“Al, I’m sending over a couple of regiments of Red Guards to portray your troops. Unfortunately, for our media purposes, they can’t be photogenic.”

“Doesn’t matter to me. All I want out of this revolution is sympathy and a job at an American university. You can do me a favor, though.”

“A letter of recommendation?”

“That’d be nice, too, but I really want to know why I failed. For centuries Russia’s been oppressed. First the Mongols, and then the Czars. Finally, the democrats gained power, established civil liberty, and after six months, we’re being overthrown by popular demand.”

“Al, civil liberty means nothing to Russia. What is freedom of the press to a nation of illiterates? What is freedom of speech to people who won’t open their mouths for fear of frostbite? Russians want only one thing from their government, but it is essential to them. It’s their very reason for living. The Mongols gave it to them, the Czars gave it to them, we’ll give it to them, but democracy never could.”

“What is it?”

“An excuse to drink.”

Herman Cain Attacked 47 People With a Chainsaw

Responding to charges that he was a serial killer, the Herman Cain explained that the chainsaw was made in China.  “This is the inferior type of product made there.  I was just trying to slice pepperoni for pizza, but that foreign chainsaw kept malfunctioning.”

This admission contradicted his previous statement questioning the word ‘serial.’  “Flash Gordon was a serial; every Saturday matinee, Flash would fight against the socialist liberalism of the Emperor Ming.  If that made Flash a killer, it was standing up for what is right about America. Now, my only serial is singing in the church choir every Sunday.   Do you have something against God?”

But with the evidence that Godfather’s Pizza had settled 47 law suits, candidate Cain explained his memory lapse.  “I thought that you were referring to the survivors of the malfunctioning Chinese chainsaw accidents.” Obviously those 12 people were not killed–despite their clumsiness.  Now why would they put both legs in front of a chainsaw?  You’d think that they did it deliberately to sue a God-fearing, hard-working, self-made businessman.  This country needs tort reform.”

On the news that Herman Cain was a serial killer, polls indicated a surge in his popularity among Republican voters.  Explaining Cain’s 62% approval rating, Republican high priestess Ann Coulter said, “He at least knows what to do to the unemployed.”

It has since been reported that Willard Mitt Romney was shopping for a chainsaw, but he couldn’t find anyone to wait on him.

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic significance of this week

November 7:  Doctor Zhivago Gets a Plot–http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/11/07/fool-russians-where-engels-feared-to-tread/

November 10:  Southern Hospitality–http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/11/10/abu-ghraib-is-arabic-for-andersonville/

November 11:  Veterans Day at the Movies http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2008/11/11/veterans-day-at-the-movies/

Greek Government Threatens Financial Default; European Economy Could Collapse

Willard Romney…the War Years

1966: Headquarters, Temple Square, Classified Location

“Lieutenant Commander Romney reporting for duty.”  But, in some ways, he was still in Viet Nam.  Yes, he had converted President Diem.  Pity he had to kill him first.  But there was still more to do.  Ho Chi Minh also smoked; that had to be stopped.  And Romney knew how to win the war.  Outsource the fighting to China.  You could buy 20 Chinese infantry for the price of one American.  And think of the savings in medical care for the wounded by adopting acupuncture.  Then sell the used needles to sweatshops.  Actually, his ideas were too good for the U.S. government; he was going to save them for his MBA project at Harvard.

But the sound of General Bishop Elder Young disrupted young Romney’s anticipation of his Presidential inauguration.  “Romney, we are sending you to France.  Open your secret dossier.  This time, we want you to convert Jean Paul Sartre.  Preferably alive.  Once Sartre is a Mormon, we will seem so cool.  Everyone will want to join us.  There won’t be any Episcopalians or Hare Krishnas left. 

We also want you to marry Brigitte Bardot, Jeanne Moreau, Simone Signoret, and Catherine Deneuve.  It doesn’t matter in what order.  You may have a problem with Signoret; she won’t think that she’s a Gentile.  It seems her folks were using the term long before we started.  Extreme conversion may be necessary; then marry her.

“There’s a boat waiting for you in Normandy.  You’ll sail down the Seine to Paris.  You will also be escorting the Osmond family.  Our agent in the cellar of the Paris Opera House will teach them how to sing.”

The details of the voyage remain a mystery, but historians can discern hints as to Romney’s odyssey.  That year, all along the Seine there was an apparent epidemic of narcolepsy.  And why did Maxim’s de Paris suddenly list lime jello as an entree?  But we do know from the secret diaries of Simone de Beauvoir of the meeting between Sartre and Romney.  Posing as the fashion editor of the Deseret News, Romney had gained entry into the Sartre apartment.  The salon had an unique ambience; you couldn’t tell if the cigarette smog covered up the smell of the 47 cats, or if it was the other way around.

Romney:  Golly, it is nifty neat being here.

Sartre:  Are you being here?

Romney:  Yes, it is nifty neat being here.  But Heaven is even better.

Sartre:  I believe in nothing.  So I probably should worship you.

Romney:  Gee, I am flattered.  But I think that you are confusing my personality with my theology.  There is so much I have to tell you about my religion, and I will as soon as you convert.

Sartre:  No, I want to believe in the non-entity, the perfect vacuum, you! And only you.

Romney:  Okey-dokey.  I’m gonna put you down as my personal convert, and I’ll spare you the reading material.

Sartre:  Okey-dokey, mon sacre rien.

But Romney never had a chance to publicize his coup.  As he was leaving the apartment, French agents arrested him for his marriages to Edith Piaf and Jeanne d’Arc.  It seems that the French do have some hygiene standards where necrophilia is concerned.  Romney only avoided the guillotine by his promise of silence.  He still doesn’t dare talk about l’affaire Sartre; otherwise, we would know the real reason why France left NATO.

October 24, 1648:  The Treaty of Westphalia

If you haven’t already sent a sympathy card to the Hapsburgs, at least offer to buy them lunch.

As you know (but I will belabor), the Treaty of Westphalia ended The Thirty Years War. The War basically was a simple, religious affair: Catholics slaughtered Protestants and Protestants returned the favor. Both sides proved very enthusiastic. Armies were paid by what they could pillage–and it is always easier to rob the dead. Central Europe was reduced to a charnel house. At least one third of the population was killed.

It looked like the Catholics–led by the Hapsburgs–were ahead on points–when France intervened. Cardinal Richelieu did not want to see a triumphant Austria unifying the German states. The brilliant statesman may have had premonitions of 1870, 1914 and 1940. Relegating his religious preferences behind his national interests, Richelieu brought France to the Protestant side, and that led the war to a stalemate.

The Hapsburgs finally realized that there were too many Protestants to kill and who certainly were not cooperating in the effort. So, Catholics and Protestants agreed to stop slaughtering each other. England did not sign the treaty, however, so Catholics were still fair game in Scotland and Ireland.

And Holland was finally granted independence from Spain. Of course, the Dutch hadn’t bothered to wait and had been governing their country for more forty years. It just took that long for Spain to notice the obvious.

The Protestants of Germany were saved. Austria was frustrated and spent. And now the greatest power on continental Europe was France. Richelieu did not live to see his triumph, succumbing to natural causes in 1643.  There has yet to be a proposal to grant him sainthood.

Learning of Richelieu’s death Pope Urban VII concluded, “If there is a God, he will pay dearly for his conduct.  If there is no God, then he was truly an admirable man.”