While I am on hold, waiting for a Comcast service representative to get on line, I have time to translate “War and Peace” into Romulan.  (I think that the Romulans would prefer Napoleon to win.)  I am trying to ignore Comcast’s Muzak selection–a continuous accordion rendition of “Rhinestone Cowboy”–but admiring the corporation’s subtle way of encouraging me to hang up.  It is more tasteful and effective than waterboarding.  In the meantime, let’s scan the headlines.

Sandra Bullock and Jesse James: Officially Divorced

Sandra Bullock may be a bad sport.  I have had illicit sexual affairs with every Neo-Nazi stripper I know, and my wife doesn’t mind at all.

Supreme Court extends gun rights to states, cities

It is only a matter of time before someone pulls a gun on “Jeopardy.”  In hindsight, I wish that I could have threatened Alex and demand that the daily double be in the British Monarchs category instead of “Roller Derby Champions.”  At the time, such conduct might have seemed psychopathic.  Now, thanks to the Supreme Court’s standard 5 to 4, I simply would be exercising my patriotic rights.

Kagan vows to be unbiased, deferential to Congress

Today Elena Kagan was denounced for her vocabulary.  After saying “deferential” in front of Senator Jeff Sessions, the Supreme Court nominee was attacked for “flaunting her fancy elitistic liberal big words”.  An apologetic Kagan assured the Senator that she only meant to say she’d be “real polite to the Congress.”  The Senator then condemned the nominee for saying ‘assure.’

Senator Tom Coburn was more concerned about Ms. Kagan’s promises to be unbiased.  “What do you people have against biases?  Real Americans don’t have to worry about them.”

Senator Lindsey Graham only asked her if she would like to see a movie.  “It would be good for both of our reputations.”

p.s.  Was my musical parody that bad? I thought it would be on YouTube by now.   http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2010/06/17/elana-kagans-hearing-mtv-version/

p.p.s.  And let’s not forget the historic significance of this day:  http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/06/28/on-this-day-in-1914-great-moments-in-public-relations/

For a beautiful, brilliant, fascinating woman, Eleanor of Aquitaine is surprisingly obscure.  Oh, historians certainly know her but Hollywood–the real arbiter of popular knowledge–has long overlooked her.  You’d think that Reese Witherspoon and Sandra Bullock would be demanding tailored-scripts to play her.  But, however long overdue, I think that Eleanor has become fashionable.  She appears–as one of the few intelligent adults–in the latest version of “Robin Hood”.  To be honest, there is no need for her in the story; the 437 previous versions of ”Robin Hood” have done without her.  But the scriptwriter and director–bless them– realize that the dazzling Queen Mother was just too wonderful to leave out of the film.

For the benefit of any Hollywood producers here, let me offer this brief introduction to Eleanor.  Just her lifespan was remarkable by medieval standards:  1122-1204.  She started life as merely a duchess rather than a queen. But Aquitaine was not your standard Middle Age muck, where four huts constituted a city.  The  fertile land of Southwestern France and its proximity to Moorish Spain made the duchy the most prosperous and cultured realm in western Europe.  Eleanor was its sovereign and what a dowry that made!

At the age of 15 she was married to Louis VII of France.  He was a nice young man, dull and pious, who was infatuated with her beauty and dutifully tried to ignore her intelligence.  But Eleanor could never be ignored.  If he was going on a Crusade, she was coming along, too.  Why should she be stuck in Paris?  Constantinople and Antioch would be more her style.  He might like praying in Jerusalem, but she could appreciate the art and the history. So, off to the Crusades they went.  It was her Grande Tour and his military disaster.  Louis was never a competent soldier, but he thought that Eleanor had jinxed him.  The rumors about her and various men (her uncle, the Byzantine Emperor, Saladin. etc) must have been somewhat distracting.  Upon returning to France, Louis asked the Pope for an annulment of the marriage on the grounds of consanguinity.  Louis and Eleanor were third cousins, but he apparently had just learned that after 15 years of marriage.  The King was a gentleman not to give the real reasons; and he was disappointed that Eleanor wasn’t grateful enough to let him have the Aquitaine.  No, he got to keep the two daughters and she got to keep the duchy.

Within two months she had a second husband: the exciting–and 11 years younger–Henry of Anjou, the heir to the English throne.  There was no docile acquiescence or complacent indifference in this marriage.  The passion produced eight children and civil war.  It was X-rated for both sex and violence.  Eleanor’s ideal of maternal duty was to encourage her sons to overthrow their father.  For the last 16 years of their marriage, Henry II only felt safe when she was imprisoned.  Even then, when his favorite mistress suddenly died the king had his suspicions as to the real cause of death.  However, Henry and Eleanor never tried poisoning each other.  In a love-hate relationship, that would have been against the rules.  So, when Henry died in 1189 it really was of natural causes.

Her favorite son Richard now was King, although not much of one.  He pawned much of the realm to finance a Crusade, leaving his mother as one of his regents for England and Normandy.  Ignoring his preferences, she arranged Richard’s marriage to the Spanish princess, Berengaria of Navarre.  We are still waiting for the marriage to be consummated.  While Eleanor was trying to  perpetuate Richard’s line, her other scion John was busy plotting.  Richard had not named his gnomish, maladroit baby brother as co-regent, choosing instead a reputable bishop.  John somehow knew all the disreputable bishops and organized them into a jury to condemn and oust the regent.  The disgraced bishop fled England and John was available to take his place as regent.

Of course, Eleanor didn’t approve but she wasn’t prepared to fight a civil war with her son.  She kept busy trying to circumvent John’s plots against Richard, raising the ransom when the king was held hostage in Austria and, upon Richard’s return, protecting the incompetent usurper from his enraged brother.  When Richard died in 1199, Eleanor’s support assured John of the royal succession.  She couldn’t have had any delusions as to his ability but he was the oldest male Plantagenet available.  At least while she lived, she orchestrated political alliances to keep France at bay and England with allies.  Ironically, her dull, plodding first husband had produced in a subsequent marriage the type of son Eleanor should have had: an energetic and brilliant statesman.  Without his mother, John was no match for Philippe Auguste.  There is a reason why Normandy, Tours, Gascony and Aquitaine are called France rather than East England.  Eleanor might have averted it, but it she would have had to live another 800 years to ensure it.

Now, is that a life worthy of Hollywood?  “The Lion in Winter” did Eleanor some justice but that was just one chapter in a fascinating story.

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic significance of this day, paleface:  http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/06/25/he-only-cheated-on-indian-treaties-not-with-argentine-hussies/

Monaco’s Prince Albert to marry Charlene Wittstock

By  AP
(The 52 year-old prince is the one on the left.)

PARIS — Prince Albert of Monaco is engaged to marry Charlene Wittstock, a former Olympic swimmer for South Africa, a union that will give this wealthy Mediterranean principality its first crown princess since American Grace Kelly died in 1982.

4th century icons of Peter and Paul found in Rome

By AP

ROME — The earliest known icons of the Apostles Peter and Paul have been discovered in a catacomb under an eight-story modern office building in a working-class neighborhood of Rome, Vatican officials said Tuesday.

The images, which date from the second half of the 4th century, were discovered on the ceiling of a tomb that also includes the earliest known images of the apostles John and Andrew. They were uncovered using a new laser technique that allowed restorers to burn off centuries of thick white calcium carbonate deposits without damaging the dark colors of the original paintings underneath.

What do you have in your basement?  I have a rowing machine, half of a Lionel train set,  not to mention the water heater and furnace.  Compare that to your average Italian basement. 

“Over there, next to the sump pump, is the sarcophagus of the Emperor Alexander Severus.  I did call the Department of Antiquity asking if they’d like the tomb.  They said, ‘He was a nice young man; so not particularly interesting.’  If I had the tomb of his cousin Elagabalus–that would be different.  This basement would get immediate landmark status as a 3rd century transvestite nightclub.  But nice, normal Alexander Severus–well, there’s a back log of emperors.  So, we are stuck with it, but it actually is useful.  All that marble keeps food cold for months.”

p.s.  And let’s not forget the historic significance of this day:  http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/06/22/serfs-up-2/

BP CEO at yacht race during spill

The oil giant’s head takes a break from disaster to enjoy a British yachting contest

By Associated Press

BP chief executive Tony Hayward, often criticized for being tone-deaf to U.S. concerns about the worst oil spill in American history, took time off Saturday to attend a glitzy yacht race off England’s Isle of Wight.

Spokeswoman Sheila Williams said Hayward took a break from overseeing BP efforts to stem the undersea gusher in Gulf of Mexico to watch his boat “Bob” participate in the J.P. Morgan Asset Management Round the Island Race.

The one-day yacht race is one of the world’s largest, attracting hundreds of boats and thousands of sailors.

In a statement, BP described Hayward’s day off as “a rare moment of private time” and said that “no matter where he is, he is always in touch with what is happening within BP” and can direct recovery operations if required.

The corporate spokesman continued, “None of the yachts hit an oil rig here.  Why doesn’t the media report that?”  When the media were so rude as to note that are no oil rigs near the Isle of Wight, the spokesman said “That only proves BP and Mr. Haywood’s dedicated, caring commitment to the environment.  And no whales or walruses were hurt either.  Yes, Mrs. Hayward did accidently drop her pug Wrinkletto from the yacht, but Wrinky was rescued and is fine.  Of course, you media should blame yourself; all that stress made Mrs. Hayward and Wrinky nervous.

“Why can’t the media cover the positive aspects of this story.  Isn’t ‘Bob’ a friendly, folksy name for a yacht?    It just shows you the kind of person Mr. Haywood really is.  His polo ponies are named Fred and Ethel.”

p.s.  Happy Summer Solstice: http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/06/21/the-ptomaine-entree-2/

Leonardo DiCaprio has been recruited by Clint Eastwood to play former head of the FBI J. Edgar Hoover.

Of course, I would have cast Linda Hunt to play J. Edgar Hoover.  She would be the right height…among other things.  Nonetheless, I believe that Eastwood will do an intelligent and insightful film, which is more than J. Edgar deserves.

Imagine what other directors would do…

Ridley Scott’s “Hoover” begins at the battle of the Argonne, where young Lieutenant Hoover (played by Russell Crowe) defeats the German army and personally arrests the Kaiser.  Pursuing justice becomes the sole purpose of his life, suppressing any other interests.  (Ahem.  Ridley does show that Hoover has an autographed picture of Lawrence of Arabia.)  Hoover will subsequently defeat the 50,000 members of the Capone/Dillinger gang in a shootout at Wrigley Field.  Then, in Korea, he vanquishes the Red Chinese army and its leader Ethel Rosenberg.

 Ron Howard’s “Hoover’ introduces us to third-grade patrol boy (Tom Hanks) who sees how the inherent depravity of jay-walking leads to a life of crime and treason.  In Howard’s interpretation, J. Edgar’s only ambiguity is that he sometimes confuses himself with Herbert Hoover.

 Judd Apatow’s “Hoover” has Jonah Hill realizing that the only way he can get a date is by arresting the woman.  Costarring Katherine Heigl as Bonnie Parker, Scarlet Johansson as Ma Barker and Drew Barrymore as Eva Braun.

Pedro Almodovar’s ”Hoover” has Javier Bardem with a crush on Franklin Roosevelt (played by Antonio Banderas).  He hopes to break up the President’s marriage by framing Eleanor (Penelope Cruz) as a Communist bootlegger.

You know, I would be willing to see any of these films–except Ron Howard’s.

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic significance of this day:  http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/06/18/waterloo-or-lieu-2/

Senator Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III (really):  Miss Kagan, we in Alabama believe in the Christian institution of marriage, and I understand you New York people have something similar.  But you’re not married.  Now I’m not gonna ask if you’re some sort of pervert but I think that the other Justices of the Supreme Court oughta know if they’re safe sharing a bench with you.

Elena Kagan:  I appreciate your interest in my sex life.  I wish I had some interest in it, too.  Let me explain why I’m not married….

Where have all the Goodmans gone,

At least the wed-able

willing Jewish paragon

who’s not too Oedipal?

Where’s that Mr. Rightstein who J-Date said I’d find?

Am I asking for so much–a CPA Einstein

(chorus)

I need a Hebrew.

I’m holding out for a Hebrew for the sake of the tribe.

He’ll be bright and adept

and can read right to left.

Why can’t Superman be circumcized?

I need a Hebrew.

I’m holding out for a Hebrew, Talmudic and wise,

with Kosher gametes

and’s in Dun & Bradstreet.

I’m so ripe for that stereotype.

Somewhere there’s a Semite

who suppose to marry me.

But my demographic plight,

he wants a thin, blonde valkyrie!

I’ve twice her body mass and three times her I.Q.

I’d let him have his mannequin but first please wed the Jew!

(chorus)

I need a Hebrew.

I’m holding out for a Hebrew for the sake of the tribe.

He’ll be bright and adept

and can read right to left.

Why can’t Superman be circumcized?

I need a Hebrew.

I’m holding out for a Hebrew, Talmudic and wise,

with Kosher gametes

and’s in Dun & Bradstreet.

I’m so ripe for that stereotype.

My ticking clock says we should rush to wedlock

while my estrogen’s still in stock.

Don’t stop here after 4000 years.

Persevere.

The bad dates and the slurs I’ve endured.

No, I’m not the L word.

My libido’s not skewed.

There’s a He in Hebrew.

(chorus)

(With apologies to Bonnie Tyler, but since the song was written by James Steinman of New York–he’d understand.  And would it have killed him to ask Elena Kagan out.)

Apparently the identify of BP is almost as murky as the waters of Gulf of Mexico.  For some inexplicable reason, reporters have referred to the gushing oil philanthropist as British Petroleum.  However, that is not merely wrong but slanderous.  As company spokesman Sir Reginald “Binky” Dabwattle insisted, “This is bloody well not a British company.  None of our products were used in the Hundred Years War–except for basting Joan of Arc.  We gladly would have sold axle grease to both sides at Waterloo, but that wog Bonaparte never asked.  Really, BP does not mean British.  It stands for something completely different, and a focus group is working on that right now.” 

Bulgarian Petroleum would be a possibility.  The Balkan country might be grateful for any attention.

Or the company could dispense with the initials and choose a name with a more illustrious, noble image.  How about Philip Morris?  No one is using it now.

And let’s not forget the historic significance of this day: http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/06/15/king-johns-involuntary-gift-to-us-2/

Of course, you have long wondered which wine to serve with French fries.  Through the vagaries of social obligation (my wife made me), we found ourselves at a restaurant where the menu recommends the suitable vintage for each and every offering.  If you want the Russet frites–alias fries- you should savor them with a sparkling wine.  That will be $8 for the fries and $9 for the glass of wine. 

Let’s continue our oenophiliac’s guide to bankruptcy.  What wine would you serve with a beet salad?  (Please ignore the fact that beet salad is only slightly more appealing than waterboarding.)  Beets are red, so you would probably order a wine of the same color.  Well, to plagiarize Alex Trebek, “I’m sorry.”  The correct answer is a Gewurztraminer, which does sound like a death camp but actually is another sparkling wine.  And yes, the glass of wine does cost more than the salad.

Time for entrees.  What goes with ricotta gnocchi?  Something Italian?  “I’m sorry.”  You should have served a viognier, even if you have never heard of it.  Naturally, I wouldn’t know what to serve with pork; I suppose a crucifix and a beer.  However, the restaurant assures me that Mel Gibson would expect a syrah.

And don’t forget the dessert wines.  For bread pudding you want the muscat, and the creme brulee requires a semillon.  God may forgive you for ordering wrong, but the sommelier never will.  (He may be entitled to strangle you with his chain–and, yes, there will be a corkage fee for that.)  Mind you, there is one advantage to being condemned as a social outcast.  If you are drinking yourself into oblivion, any wine is correct.

p.s.  Let’s not forget the historic significance of this day: http://finermanworks.com/your_rda_of_irony/2009/06/12/incompetent-bureaucrats-and-overachieving-fleas-2/